Sunday, May 1, 2011

1 May 2011

Well today has been a day of ups and downs.

One of the ups, Luke took me to the circus for my birthday (which is on Tuesday), I love the circus (as long as their aren't animals) and we both enjoyed it... it's amazing what some people can do with their bodies! And kind of freaky!

The down part is as my birthday gets closer there is this pain that isn't going away. Usually I look forward to my birthday, I may not do big celebrations, but I look forward to it anyway... I don't mind getting older, but this year things are different... maybe it is to be expected? I don't really know, I just know that I am not sure if I really want a birthday this year... I never expected to be 26 and childless... yes Lily is my daughter, she just isn't here for me to raise, and I never imagined being 26 and not already be raising a child...

I know things don't always go to plan (obviously) but that doesn't change how it feels, being a mum is one thing I have always wanted... its what I want most and I was given it for such a short time... 8 months that I loved every minute of! 8 months where I did everything I could for my little girl. 8 months where I found a love I have never felt before, so strong and unconditional. 8 months where I got to know my daughter as she grew inside of me, and then 10 minutes as I held her in my arms and told her I loved her. 10 minutes where she was surrounded by so many people that loved her.

But now its gone, there is nothing I can do for my lovely Lily now, she is in the care of God and all I have are memories and photos. It was like being so close to something you were so wanting and just getting to touch it before it is whipped away... where does that leave me? It leaves me another year older but not complete, something is missing... I wish I had my baby girl here to celebrate my birthday with me...

I'm thankful for...
~*~ Amazing people like Kim... 2 days in a row you have helped me, first with your very funny story which made me laugh out loud, which was something I really needed, and then our conversation today allowed me to vent some of my feelings and it helped, so thank you Kim :) ~*~

My positive thing for today...
~*~ A surprise trip to the circus with my amazing hubby! ~*~

Sarah. :)