Saturday, April 30, 2011

30 April 2011

Today it hurts. Today I have struggled to hold back the tears. Today the physical pain of my heart breaking came back. It was like loosing Lily all over again. It really hurts.

The photo above is from the hospital and I don't know if you can see it, but there is a tear running down my cheek, the photo is from about 2 seconds after my heart broke that day... It was about 3 hours after she was born, I had held her and smiled and kissed her, I had talked to her and enjoyed her, but this was the moment my heart broke. And I have attached it to this post because it is how I feel right now.

Maybe if I explain what I have been doing today you will think it is understandable how I feel... I don't know... I just know that today I feel as sad and hurting as I did that first time my heart broke...

Today was the baby shower for my baby cousin who is due to arrive some time in the next month... and because I haven't finished what I was knitting for her, I spent some of the morning (while shopping with my baby sister (who is 11)) looking for a present for a little baby girl. Now don't get me wrong at all, I love my aunty to bits and am very, VERY happy for her, I guess the day just got on top of me. It's not as easy as I was hoping it would be, to have everyone else have babies around me now, even the people I love most...

Today I am not crying over the things I will never have with Lily, or the things I will miss (first steps, feeding etc), it is purely about just not having her at all, she is just not here where she should be.

Yeah, today it hurts!