Friday, April 22, 2011

22 April 2011 - Easter Friday

So... Easter... hows that working for ya?

Dear God, since Lily is spending Easter with you and because I can’t, will you please give her an EXTRA snuggle and kiss for me today and remind her that her mummy loves her and misses her!

For my family it is a time to get together really, and I have found it a little hard already not having Lily there to share it with us... I mean sure she would have been too young to be having Easter egg hunts or photos of her smothered in chocolate.. but it is just a reminder that we never will! Yes I agree, Easter isn't all about chocolate... but with kids holidays like Easter are just EXTRA exciting! And I was really looking forward to sharing that with my baby girl... and I can't, and I never will with Lily... People warned me that holidays would be hard, and that is proving true today. People also warned that about the 6 weekish mark was hard too... and I am finding that too... well its been 5 weeks.

I dont understand how I feel anymore. I could understand the sadness and the loss at the beginning, and I still understand those feelings now... I can understand the physical pain of my heart breaking, even though I wasn't expecting it to be such a physical pain... I can even understand being happy one minute and extremely sad the next... but I never expected it to effect EVERY aspect of my life... I never expected the anxiety, the panic, the fear, the uncertainty of every day things... I never expected to look at a group of children and just panic... I never expected to become anxious when I just thought about going back to work... These sorts of things seem completely irrelevant to what happened... why would a bunch of kids scare me now? Why do I suddenly not even know how to greet them, let alone what to do with them? Why do I get anxious just thinking of going to the supermarket? I don't know why... It can't be the thought of seeing people and talking to them, we have been so open that most people know the joy of Lily and the sadness that is our loss... and even if they don't, I am still ok to talk about it! But some days every thing seems to be such a mission... some days it is actually all about putting one foot in front of the other, both metaphorically and actually physically... but it can be such a battle... why?

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ My awesome family! I have a fantastic family... they are all just so crazy and fun to be around! ~*~

My positive thing of the day...
~*~ In 5 hours I managed to knit 2 very cute booties (the same as the little pink one in the photo I put up yesterday) for my aunty who is about to have a baby girl in the next 3-4 weeks... yes it took me 5 hours... but I am only a beginner and I don't think I did too badly! I was very happy with how they turned out... now if I was being paid even minimum wage... those booties are worth more than $60!!! Shesh maybe I should start selling them... anyone want $60 booties? hahaha ~*~

Happy Easter everyone... if you are traveling... please stay safe!

Sarah. :)