Monday 4 April

Firstly anyone know any good cures for not sleeping and headaches? Am having trouble getting to sleep at night and then more trouble staying asleep! And then I have a constant headache that I can't shake, and gets quite bad... Yes I am sure I should go to the doctor... and if it keeps going then I will... but as I am sure this is all part of what I am going through at the moment and it will pass... but am willing to try any suggestions (ok will at least try some...).

Dear God, I wanted to hold my baby in my arms and tell her all about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold her close and tell her all about me?

We got Lily's birth certificate today which was actually very exciting... I love the recognition that she lived! And we got 2 copies... to cancel out the death certificate... because I am sure that is how it works!! :P However, I then became angry when I was looking at it, and next to her name they put "deceased"... Yes thank you... Like I NEEDED reminding... but come on... WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT ON SOMEONES BIRTH CERTIFICATE!! Let us rejoice in her birth without reminding us she isn't there anymore! Like getting a death certificate isn't reminder enough that she has left us!

One of the things I am beginning to miss, believe it or not, is actually the challenges we will never have with Lily... sure there is all the lovely things too like first step, first words etc and don't get me wrong, I will miss them too... but in the last couple of days I have seen all the other things we miss... no tantrums, no toilet training, no trying to get her to sleep in a "big girl bed", no terrible twos (which I think it actually a fantastic age!), no "why?" stage... lots of things that can be hard, frustrating, challenging... but all part of raising your child from a baby, to a child, to an adult...

But if it can't be us that raises Lily from a baby, if she can't be with us... there is no better place then Heaven, and no one better than God and angels to be caring for her! The other night when we were watching the fireworks at Balloons Over Waikato, my mum made the comment "imagine what this looks like from space" and I thought, imagine what they look like from heaven! Imagine what a perfect fireworks display would look like...

Anyway my positive for today...
~*~ Getting Lily's birth certificate... even if they are stupid enough to put "deceased" on it... it is still proof that my baby girl lived and was with us! Even if it was only for a short time! ~*~

Sarah. :)

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back...
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.