Tuesday, May 31, 2011

31 May 2011

Wow so the month of may is over in little more than an hour... it is crazy how fast this year is gone!

Today there was some progress with the kiddies we have staying... still no plan for the poor things but I have been allocated some money to get them some clothes... 2 weeks later! It is sad when you have to push and fight with the people who are MEANT to be the ones fighting on these kids behalf... I understand they have a tough job, and heavy workloads... but you have to make an effort to let the kids know that you haven't just dumped them and forgotten about them! Would you believe I have been given no paper work for these kids... No ages, birthdates or any other details... which was a major problem for the first few days until I got hold of the social worker the next Tuesday (they came the previous Thursday) in relation to medication... and cyfs told us the kids were 6 and 9... well according to them they are 7 and 9... not a major problem of course, but you would think they would try to get their details right! 

But anyway, yay for small things! Will be good to get these kids some clothes! Even if it will only be a few things... 

I am thankful for...
~*~ my amazing hubby! ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ Making pizzas for dinner with the kids... their idea... they decided what to put on then we went to the supermarket and they got all the stuff and then we used the self serve area to purchase the items... lots of learning but even more fun! ~*~


Monday, May 30, 2011

30 May 2011

Please ignore the date on the photo, someones camera was obviously 2 days out! Lily was born on the 17th March!

Today I think I realised how everyone around us has moved on... as you would expect... its just something I am finding hard when I am struggling to move forward myself... and I'm not struggling because I can't move forward... I am struggling because I can... if that makes sense to you then yay you! Every now and again the realisation of everything I lost hits again and I wonder how I can be moving on, how I can be getting on with life and forget about my daughter... its not that I have forgotten HER but my every thought is no longer about her... Yeah I still think of her... but do I think of her enough? What if I think of her less and less and then she is forgotten? 

I don't think people have forgotten Lily, or forgotten about us.. but as everyone moves on, and as we keep moving through life people forget that the pain is still there? Maybe? Or maybe it just seems like it? Or maybe I am just having an emotional night... I mean my pain and my grief isn't so obvious anymore, it isn't as dominant as it was... but it is still there! And we still need that amazing support we were given at the beginning... and I know the support is still there, I do still feel it... I don't really know how to word what I am trying to say... 

Today we FINALLY went to see a grief counsellor (ignore it if that is spelt wrong!)... it was good to talk about Lily again, to be able to tell the stories we have of her... everyone else has heard the stories over and over again, and as I have said before they don't change, they are the only stories we will ever have of Lily so we can't keep telling them, people don't want to hear them again... they already listened once! So when you find someone who doesn't know and wants to hear, or is being paid to listen... we jump at the chance I guess... 

Then this afternoon I went to visit my aunty and new baby cousin, Ellyce (think I spelt it right...)... what a gorgeous wee thing (the baby, not my aunty, though she is gorgeous too...)... but it was hard, holding her and realising how long it has been since I held Lily in my arms, brought back again that ache... it brought up a lot of emotions really, but I think I was able to mostly keep them hidden and instead just focus on meeting this beautiful new bubba.

So yes, that was my emotional day... but I am ok don't get me wrong, I am still happy, I am still smiling, just a tad more sadness then what has become the norm...

Thinking tomorrow I might go into work for a visit... I go back in 3 weeks so should make the effort or it will be a huge shock! I am looking forward to going back, have had enough of sitting at home, I am not the sort of person who was created to sit alone for extended periods of time doing very little! So it is time to go back to doing something I love while I again wait to be back on leave, this time with a bubba at home all going well! (No I am not announcing that I am pregnant! Hahaha that is just the plan for the next time!)

Anyway, today I am thankful for...
~*~ Heidi finding and bringing over some more things to entertain these kiddies! The poor things have very limited things to play with here! ~*~

And the positive thing of the day...
~*~ Being able to tell our stories of Lily again... even if the person was being paid to listen... ~*~


Sunday, May 29, 2011

29 May 2011

I married an amazing man, I have loved seeing him with the kids we have in our care over the last week or so! He has such an amazing, natural way with the kids and they just respond to him so well! Today I even got to sleep in (till 8am) because he got up to them early and kept them quiet!

Normally as foster parents we only take preschoolers so these kids (7 and 9) are a completely new experience for us! Lol. But it seems that we can do it, hahaha I know that might sound strange, but its very different when you raise them from little, but to be given kids this age and have to take over their care for an unknown amount of time... and an age you are not used to? It's a challenge, well for me anyway... but it has been great to learn that we can do it... sure we are still learning and every day there is something new to learn, but it is an interesting journey and it has been fun... We want to give these kids everything we can while they are with us... give them our best... will it make any difference for the kids long term? Maybe, maybe not... but we can't give them anything but our best, it's not who we are... these kids deserve the best, all kids do so of course we would do what we could to give them that... I am not talking materially... but time, effort, love, care all those gooey words... 

My aunty had her baby today, haven't been to visit yet as it was a long day for them! But might go up tomorrow to see them... but from what I have heard they are all doing well... yay :)

Today I am thankful for
~*~ The safe arrival of probably my last cousin... can't wait to meet her ~*~

And the positive for the day...
~*~ Getting some bunks for the kids who are staying... they're possibly with us for 6-8 weeks so need to be on proper beds! One was just on a fold out bed so now they in real beds I feel much happier! (fingers crossed no one falls off the top bunk (there is a barrier...)...)~*~


Saturday, May 28, 2011

28 May 2011

Photo challenge... Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

Ok so today I have skipped a day, I missed day 6 because it was a picture of someone you would like to trade places with for a day and I couldn't think of anyone! So I moved on to this... my most treasured item... couldn't really think of anything other than this... my heart! For a few different reasons... I have always known how important your heart is to living, but I guess I had always taken it for granted, but after being told that Lily only had half a heart I became thankful for how easy it is to forget about mine and take it for granted that it will always work and never let me down. Making it a fairly treasured thing. But also because it is with my heart that I live I guess... not just physically, but the emotions and feelings... I try to live "from the heart" if you get what I mean... I love my life, my family, my friends with all my heart, and I try to do things whole heartedly... so I am putting it up as my most treasured item... my heart...

I have been totally shattered today! No such thing as sleep ins any more! The kids are up at 6 - 6.30 and are still learning the art of watching tv quietly in the morning... I'm sure it will catch on right? They had a visit with their family today so came back a little upset, understandably... so we finished the day by going to the park for a play and then watching a movie with pizza tonight... We are picking up some bunks tomorrow, will be good to have both the kids in proper beds as one of them is currently in just a fold out one... We got some more of their stuff today... they needed more clothes as they only came with a weekend worth of stuff really... The poor things still have no idea what is happening for them... they only know what their family has told them today really and I don't know how accurate it is... it is different to what cyfs has told me so I guess it could be an ongoing battle with the kids not really knowing for a long time what the plan is for their lives now!!! What a way to spend each day! All we can do is give them what we can while they are here... 

Anyway, its my bedtime so I am thankful for...
~*~ Having enough to eat... This weekend is the weekend of the famine and it helps me to remember how lucky I am... I have more than enough food to eat and I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from (apart from those days when I don't wanna cook...) ~*~

And the positive from today...
~*~ Getting some more of the kids clothes, while a lot of them are unsuitable (holes, don't fit etc) it will do until we can hopefully get them some more... coming in to this colder whether means they need to be in warmer clothes!!! ~*~


Friday, May 27, 2011

Because I forgot to mention it in my post...

I was meant to mention it in my post tonight but totally forgot... was too busy yabbering on about other stuff...

Because I know people have tried to post comments and have been unable too and not everyone is my friend on face book (you are welcome to add me if you wish :) The more the merrier... just look up Sarah Hollows... I think I am the only one... wow I am not... fancy that... try clicking *here* instead... maybe that will work...) but anyway, if you don't wanna be my friend on facebook and just want to send me a comment, my email is at the top of the page underneath "Sarah's journey"... but here it is again... 


I am putting it up because I love receiving comments and I have been hearing that people have been unable to leave comments and I don't wanna miss out! It is the love and support that we have been shown by people who are close to us, people who are not so close to use, and people we don't know at all that really helps... so COMMENT AWAY!! Lol.

Good night :)

27 May 2011

I was reading back over my blog today (well some of it... I do tend to go on a bit!!) And I was surprised at some of the incites I had that I had kind of forgotten... I actually had some wise moments, but they obviously didn't last when I can't even remember my own wisdom! Lol. One particular post that hit me again was the one where I said "wonder why I am not over it yet? Because I lost not only a baby, but a toddler, a preschooler, a young child, a pre teen, a teenager, a young adult, an adult... I didn't just lose my baby! We lost a whole life, a life time of joy, challenges, events, laughter... an entire life went with Lily when she went to heaven..." It might sound strange, but a couple of times I have wondered what I am really mourning... does that make sense? I mean I know I am mourning my daughter, and that she was something worth grieving if that makes sense, but there is a saying "you don't miss what you never had" and I wondered (in my down times) whether that applied here, or whether people thought it did and should I really be grieving like I am, well I think I should be, but I guess whether people look and think "get over it, you only lost a baby... how can you miss what you didn't have"... but reading those words again reminded me how much I really lost, and I think people do understand that, and if they don't, I think they start to realise it from reading these things... wow I can blabber on! That same post summed it up perfectly from a quote from something I read in a book...

How can people expect me to "get over" my baby's death, in a world where people want to clone their pets...

Reading back over some of my posts was hard in the sense that there was so much pain in some of them, but it made me realise how far I have come... not that the pain isn't there now... there is still pain, but there is much more joy and it doesn't take the same effort to feel the joy, it is a much bigger part of me than the grief and sadness now! There is still tears, there is still sadness... but not the same level, not overpowering, not all consuming! Instead the main emotion when I think of my baby girl or see photos is happiness, joy and LOVE... so, so much love!

Anyway... time to retire for the night... 
The positive for the day...
~*~ Kids going to sleep quickly!!! ~*~

And I am thankful for...
~*~ V... I really needed it today... I think it is only my 3rd since I had Lily so I am not doing too badly, but since I was ready to go back to bed at like 10 this morning, a V was needed and did the job! Had one just before picking the kids up so had sufficient energy for the afternoon/evening! :D ~*~

Hope you lovely people have a great weekend... I plan on it :D


Thursday, May 26, 2011

26 May 2011

Photo challenge Day 5 "A photo of your favourite memory"

That's easy, all we have of Lily now are our love and memories so I could choose any photo with her in it and call it a photo of my fave memory, but I chose this one particularly because holding my baby girl, skin to skin, for her whole life... while she gave us the gift of herself, before quietly slipping away... The hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and yet, my favourite memory all of the same few minutes!

Been missing my lovely Lily a lot today... Not in a sad, mourning sort of way, just a longing and an ache to see her again, to hold her again. Missing her as a person in a way rather than just my baby... does that make sense? I don't know, not even sure it makes sense to me! But over the last few months I have not only mourned my daughter as a person, but also my hopes and dreams for her life, and our life... the loss of all the things involved with being a mum at the moment when I should be, the loss of everything I miss out on, but today I miss her, whether she was mine or not, I miss her for her, not for who she was and is to me... wow not sure if that made any sense at all! Words just some times (often it seems) fail to be able to describe a feeling or a thought, even when you combine many, many words together they fall so short!

But like I said, not sad, just missing and longing... and yes that is sad, but I am not feeling sad...

Was a good day today though, went and had lunch with the always wonderful Kim, got cuddles with kiddies (not the ones living in my house) and then had a great evening watching "The Little Mermaid" with my husband and the kids... lots of laughs! hahaha

The positive thing from today...
~*~ Driving through an EXTREMELY deep "puddle"! Thank you rain! I love driving through puddles, this was more like a swimming pool and I wasn't sure I was going to make it through! Tried to go through it again when I had picked the kids up from school but it was gone by then, people must have fixed it! :( ~*~

And I am thankful for...
~*~ Kim :D wonderful and just so easy to hang out with! Will miss this when we are both back at work! (we can just sneak off for lunch dates right?) ~*~ 

Sarah. :) 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

25 May 2011

Photo challenge Day 04 - A picture of your night
This is what I got up to tonight! We made creations (hats, glasses, sword and shield) out of these cool foam twisty things that we got. Heaps of fun!
Unfortunately I can't show your their faces... hence the blur.

Today has been a great day! After taking the kids to school I was able to get out of the house and spend the morning with some lovely ladies and their littlies. 

After I got home we went op shopping for some toys and things to entertain these kiddies, we are not set up to entertain this age group so the poor things have been getting a bit bored! They seemed quite excited by the small stash we brought home today! Especially the marbles! Who knew marbles could be so thrilling!

I am loving getting to know these kids... to know what makes them laugh, what they like doing, what they like in general. They really are great kids!

All round, life is good now. But sometimes, the fact that things are good, is hard... There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my baby girl. But the fact that I can be happy sometimes feels bad. Thoughts of my baby girl cause me much more joy than it does pain now, but sometimes I feel guilty about not still feeling so terrible like I was, to not be grieving like I was... obviously it is a good thing and healing and all that, but the subconscious guilt sometimes pops up... I lost my daughter, why am I so happy with life? And don't get me wrong, I am, I am happy, I do consider myself blessed, and while it has been an extremely hard year, it has also be an incredible, amazing, joy filled year too and all for the same reasons! Does any of that make sense? ah well... makes some sense to me! 

Anyway, time for bed for me so today I am thankful for...
~*~ A fantastic morning with the lovely ladies! ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ Seeing the excitement on the kids faces when we showed them there was new things to play with.... especially when we gave them each their own container of marbles! ~*~

Sarah :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

24 May 2011

Photo challenge Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
- All time favourite = Friends 
- Current favourite = Greys Anatomy

I love the Friends program!  I can watch episodes over and over again and still laugh!

That done, today was a good day :) Both the kids were at school today which I think they both needed! We are getting better at the afternoon/evening routine! It's hard to go from the life we were living and how we were doing things, to instantly having a family that didn't get to slowly develop! And in an age group I have no idea about! Lol. But we managed to have them entertained after school, then showered, fed, playing quietly and then to bed on time! Woohoo! It is strange eating so early! Hahaha but we're getting there I think! 

Had contact with cyfs today... there is still no plan in place yet for these kids so they are still waiting for answers so still not sure how long we have them for... but they are great kids and we love having them. 

Did you know there are some schools that don't send homework home? CRAZY! Kinda wished I had gone to one like that! Lol

Got to talk about Lily today to someone who didn't know any of the details of her eventful birth and life... every time I tell the stories I laugh and remember how special she really was, and my heart aches again, but also refills the joy I felt since I found out I was pregnant with her! 

Life is good, sure it has its downs but it has so many more ups! Yes we lost our daughter, but we also got a daughter, we got to spend 8 months getting to know our daughter and we got to hold her and tell her we love her... that's a MASSIVE up! 

Looking forward to the next couple of days! Get to get out of the house and get one (or two...) hot chocolate/s!! :D And get grown ups for company! 

Anyway... I am thankful for...
~*~ The opportunity to talk about Lily heaps again... unfortunately my stories of my daughter don't change! And I don't get new ones... so its nice when I can tell them to someone who hasn't heard them as I am sure many of you are sick of hearing the same stories over and over! Lol... I don't know who knows what anymore! Lol ~*~

And the positive from today...
~*~ Hopefully sorting out a case of light fingers we discovered... not a major case, but something that needed to be sorted... and I think we may have done this with everyone's dignity intact! ~*~

Sarah. :D

Monday, May 23, 2011

23 May 2011

Today I was able to breathe again and there was almost a physical feeling of weight being lifted! I swear I could have run a marathon and won! I got my results from my blood tests and they were all clear! They had tested for an auto immune disease of some sort due to a test that was done when I was in having Lily being slightly abnormal... One of the tests was specifically for lupus which I had heard of but never about, but when I looked it up it just made me worry more! But now that the results came back good, the world is actually a brighter place! I haven't been depressed or anything, but it is amazing the affect it had on me that I hadn't realised! 
So maybe the doctor was a vampire and my blood wasn't really tested they just said I was and it came back normal?

Overall - I am feeling good! We still have some kids staying with us, they are both back at school tomorrow. Haven't been able to get hold of cyfs yet so the poor things are still clueless as to what is meant to be happening for them! Fingers crossed I can get some answers for them tomorrow!

We got a new sponsor child today! The one I have sponsored for 9 years has moved out of the project and so now we have a new one... A little girl called Deslinda... I love kids and love being able to do what I can to help them! Whether that is by providing a safe and loving home for the ones in our own country or sending money to ones overseas... It is hard being able to offer help to other children but not to have been able to help my own. Doesn't stop me doing what I can for who I can, just really wish I could have helped my own. :(

For all you mummies out there... this morning I came to really appreciate you! Lol... who knew how hard it was to get kids up and ready for school and then to school on time, pick them up again, get them showered, fed, entertained and into bed at a decent hour!! I guess it probably becomes habit... but today I came to really appreciate the work! lol!
Anyway, now I am ready to rest... not just sleep, but to lay my head down and rest. Really rest...

The positive of the day...
~*~ That's easy, being able to breathe again after getting good results from my blood tests! ~*~

And I am thankful for...
~*~ Hot chocolates.... I really need another one, it has been tooooo long! ~*~

Sarah. :)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

22 May 2011

Photo challenge day 2: A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
My mum!!! Pictured with Lily, her first grandbaby. She is a totally amazing woman who I look up to! A real inspiration and I am so extremely blessed to be able to call her mum!

Today was another tiring day! The kids that are here have had enough and just want to go home, and I hate not even being able to tell them when they will be able to do so! I have tried calling cyfs today but being a Sunday, had no luck :( Poor kids! I would just want to go home to! Even if the place I went to had an xbox! There is no substitute for home! Will be making sure there is contact with cyfs tomorrow! These kids need to know that there is a plan for them and they haven't been dumped somewhere and forgotten about until it is more convenient! That's not fair! They are only kids! Whether they can go home yet or not... they need to know there is a plan, that things are happening for them!

This afternoon Luke entertained them while I went for a walk... a nice long walk... it was good, and it is good to have more of my energy back! I did my 'normal' walk but still had energy so kept going, lots of uphill around this area! And I only stopped because my feet got sore... I still had more energy I could have used but my feet are important and I should look after them right? Otherwise they make me pay!

Anyway, also hoping to get my blood results back tomorrow... I am going to ring them... which is saying something because like I said the other day I HATE ringing people/places!!! Hope they ring me first! I can deal with that!

So today I am thankful for...
~*~ Being in a position where we are able to provide a safe, caring home for kids who need it even if they don't want to be here! ~*~

And the positive...
~*~ Still my new phone! Am having MUCH fun with it... also getting out and going for a walk! ~*~