Friday, May 6, 2011

6 May 2011

A good day today, had a coffee date this morning and then went to visit work... so nothing highly exciting, but mood and emotion wise the morning was good. The only problem kind of came this evening when this kind of guilt set in... it's not that I want to always be sad, but there is this kind of guilt that has come with getting on with life... it's not like I have forgotten Lily, not at all! But getting on with every day things and going for stretches of time without even thinking about her... that brings this guilt... thankfully it is an emotion I can understand, I know what causes it, I know why it's there if that makes sense, but unfortunately it isn't one I can control... I can't reason with it... it is just there. And I guess it probably will be for awhile... how do you move on with life without your baby? And when/if you do... how could you do that?

I know Lily will be with us throughout our lives, she will never be gone... but instead of carrying her in my arms, I can only carry her in my heart and my mind... and some times at the moment, it's not enough. That's the truth, I love the time we had with Lily, and I wouldn't change it or give it up if I had to do it over, she was worth every second we had her, even when we knew we weren't going to have her for long... she was worth it... but sometimes, those 8 months are not enough, not when you consider the time we lost out on... getting to know her as a toddler, a child, a pre-teen, a teenager, and an adult... we got to know her as she was, and it was priceless, but we miss out on getting to know her at any other stage! We never get another chance to do anything with Lily... we can't get another set of footprints, or hand prints... no more photos... what we have, is all we will ever have of our daughter... is it enough? Most the time I can appreciate and be thankful for what we have, but sometimes I look at it and think... that's all we have... there will never be any more... that's it.

On a much more exciting note, I get to take my Mum for High Tea tomorrow to celebrate mothers day for them... I am so extremely lucky to have such amazing mums in my life! I am even lucky enough to have 4 of them!!! They have all been an incredible support for us and I don't know where I would be now without them. I get to take mum for High Tea because I entered a competition for the best mum, and my mum is not only an incredible mum, but an amazing woman and I love that I can celebrate that tomorrow :)

So today I am thankful for...
~*~ The physical mementos we do have of Lily, the hand/foot prints and moulds, and most of all the photos! Some people don't even get that! We only did because of some pretty amazing people who I can never thank enough! ~*~

And my positive...
~*~ Being able to walk into work today without even an hint of anxiety! ~*~