Friday, May 27, 2011

27 May 2011

I was reading back over my blog today (well some of it... I do tend to go on a bit!!) And I was surprised at some of the incites I had that I had kind of forgotten... I actually had some wise moments, but they obviously didn't last when I can't even remember my own wisdom! Lol. One particular post that hit me again was the one where I said "wonder why I am not over it yet? Because I lost not only a baby, but a toddler, a preschooler, a young child, a pre teen, a teenager, a young adult, an adult... I didn't just lose my baby! We lost a whole life, a life time of joy, challenges, events, laughter... an entire life went with Lily when she went to heaven..." It might sound strange, but a couple of times I have wondered what I am really mourning... does that make sense? I mean I know I am mourning my daughter, and that she was something worth grieving if that makes sense, but there is a saying "you don't miss what you never had" and I wondered (in my down times) whether that applied here, or whether people thought it did and should I really be grieving like I am, well I think I should be, but I guess whether people look and think "get over it, you only lost a baby... how can you miss what you didn't have"... but reading those words again reminded me how much I really lost, and I think people do understand that, and if they don't, I think they start to realise it from reading these things... wow I can blabber on! That same post summed it up perfectly from a quote from something I read in a book...

How can people expect me to "get over" my baby's death, in a world where people want to clone their pets...

Reading back over some of my posts was hard in the sense that there was so much pain in some of them, but it made me realise how far I have come... not that the pain isn't there now... there is still pain, but there is much more joy and it doesn't take the same effort to feel the joy, it is a much bigger part of me than the grief and sadness now! There is still tears, there is still sadness... but not the same level, not overpowering, not all consuming! Instead the main emotion when I think of my baby girl or see photos is happiness, joy and LOVE... so, so much love!

Anyway... time to retire for the night... 
The positive for the day...
~*~ Kids going to sleep quickly!!! ~*~

And I am thankful for...
~*~ V... I really needed it today... I think it is only my 3rd since I had Lily so I am not doing too badly, but since I was ready to go back to bed at like 10 this morning, a V was needed and did the job! Had one just before picking the kids up so had sufficient energy for the afternoon/evening! :D ~*~

Hope you lovely people have a great weekend... I plan on it :D

Sarah.