Monday, May 2, 2011

2 May 2011

Today is my baby sisters 11th birthday! The photo is of her and me when she was 4 (and me 19)... hard to believe she is now 11!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL!

Today has been a pretty good day... relaxed and without pressure. Met with our fantastic midwife for I guess the official last time... that's sad :( She's fantastic! It was great to talk to her today about lots of things like what the hospital had to say (seems they don't expect future pregnancies would be much more at risk or having complications like Lily's again than any one else pregnancy... which is good to hear) and we also got to talk about future stuff, and a bunch of other stuff too :) Was reassuring and inspiring so thank you :)

There is still this mix of dread and longing hanging around... dread about turning a year older without my daughter, and a longing to have her here with me to celebrate my birthday. But I know I will get through tomorrow like I do every other day. Celebrate when I want to celebrate but allow myself to feel. Trying to push my feelings aside, or telling myself they are dumb and to ignore them doesn't seem to do positive things for me. What I am learning is to feel what I feel, accept what ever feelings come, but try not to dwell on them... it's ok to feel sad, and even anxious it seems, but to let the emotion rule is what isn't ok, that is when it gets damaging... does that make sense?

But I will get through, I will turn a year older (like I have a choice!) and remember I have a beautiful little girl who is celebrating my birthday in heaven. I'll remember the time I did have with her and cherish those memories.

So today I am thankful for...
~*~ Track pants... they are the only thing I have that seem to fit at the moment! ~*~

And the positive thing from the day...
~*~ The visit from the midwife... :) ~*~

Sarah. :)