Thursday, March 31, 2011

31 March 2011

Another day of mixed emotions... I guess these are going to be common for awhile! But overall a positive day so not much to talk about! I was reading through some leaflets and books that I have been given to read recently, and there is some good stuff around that has made me realise that what I am feeling is 'normal' in a sense... and in a way, thats a comfort... if that makes any sense at all.

But I have also started to realise, that while people around us have shown amazing love and support, I understand that a lot of people don't know how to react or what to say... but I want people to know that thats ok! I don't expect any one to have a magic answer for all this... all I ask is that you don't avoid me! Make small talk... that is fine with me, I can do small talk most the time! Even ask questions if you want, I am happy to talk about Lily, in fact, I love to talk about her!... even if I get a bit teary, it's ok!... But please don't avoid me!

In one of the leaflet things we were given from SANDS had a thing called "After I've lost my baby... please..." here is what it says...

After I've lost my baby... please...

* DON'T ignore me because you are uncomfortable with the subject of death ... it makes me wonder if what happened to me means nothing to you

* DO hug me, and tell me that you care and that you are sorry this has happened.

* DO acknowledge my pain, even if you think I shouldn't be feeling it because I've lost 'only a baby'.

* DON'T expect me to be 'over this' in a month (or maybe even a year or two): Losing a baby is one of the most difficult of all life's experiences and the depth of my grief will shock even me as it returns in waves over and over again, long after everyone else has forgotten.

* If you haven't yet called, tell me you are sorry, that you just didn't know what to say, but DON'T say that you've been too busy! This has been an extremely large event in my life and it hurts to hear it has been so low on your priority list that you couldn't spare a five or ten minute phone call.

* If you invite me for lunch in the midst of my grief, DO expect me to talk about my loss. It is all I am thinking about anyway and I need to talk it out.

* Don't change the subject if I should start crying. Tears (and talking about it) are the healthiest way for me to release this intense emotion.

* Don't expect that because "she is with Jesus" that it is all that should matter (i.e. I should not be hurting). I do believe she is, and I am thankful for that, but my arms ache to hold her here and I miss her!

* DON'T say "better luck next time" or "you can have another one"... To me she was and is a very special, unique person and there is NO WAY she can ever be replaced! Besides, you don't know if there ever will be a next time - I don't either and that is a pain all it's own)

* DON'T forget to ask my husband how he is doing too! He also lost a daughter he was eagerly awaiting and if you ignore his hurt it says to him that his pain shouldn't exist and doesn't matter.

* If I snap at you for saying and of these things (or anything else), please DO forgive me and try to understand it came from intense pain! Your dog might bite you when you try to pick him up at the side of the road after he's been hit by a car - that wouldn't mean he hates you or is ungrateful, just that he's been hurt and your touch, well intentioned though it be, has added more pain.

* DO be available to me often if you can, and let me talk or cry without judging me. Saying "don't be angry" is like saying "don't be thirsty" - my feelings are part of a normal grief response and I will work through them quicker and easier if you aren't judgemental.

* Just love me and I will always remember you as a true friend!

Anyway, my positive thing from today...
~*~ Going in to work today... while in one sense it was rather hard... I really miss everyone there so it was good to see people again! ~*~

30 March 2011

Today has been a day of ups and downs...
I had a fantastic cafe date with 3 wonderful ladies, it was good to get out with people and you couldn't ask for better company :)
The afternoon was a little harder, to start it off I started to pack up the room we had set up for Lily... the clothes, the blankets, etc... Maybe theraputic eventually, but extremely hard and I didn't get very far today...

Then we recieved Lily's death certificate in the mail... we knew it was coming but I still found it hard to recieve... I didn't think I would ever see the words "death" and "deceased" so many times on one piece of paper!

And then there are all the fields that will never be filled in... like 'usual occupation', and 'age of each daughter/son', and then there are ones that are filled out but are not nice answers... "usual home address: Waikato public hospital" and "Relationship status at time of death: Never in a legal relationship"... what a way to remind you of a life time of things we will be missing out on with Lily... I had thought about the short term things that we will miss, first steps, first words, tantrums, challenges like moving from a cot to a bed... but was reminded today that there is just so much more! A life time full of experiences...

But though today had its hard times, I have 2 positives for the day...
1 ~*~ Although I may not be very good company, I very much enjoyed the company today! ~*~
2 ~*~ Although receiving her death certificate was hard, it means that Lily has a birth certificate coming! It means that she lived and that is recognised! (plus we ordered 2 copies of the birth certificate... we only have 1 copy of the death certificate... so the birth certificates cancels out the death certificate... right?)

29 March 2011

Well it has almost been 2 weeks since I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl... And while I knew it was going to be a hard journey, I am only just beginning to realise just how hard it really is!
I am extremely thankful for the love and support that I have been shown by family and friends, without this I don't know how I, how we, would have got this far, let alone get any further!

Sadly, I can say now that I know the physical pain of heartbreak... I never knew it was physical, but it really, really is! My heart broke when our Lily left us, it doesn't matter that we had had warning that she would most likely leave us after only a short time... my heart still broke and it hurts! One thing I have struggled with this last week or so is waiting for my body to recover from being pregnant and giving birth, while having no baby to show for it all and at the same time wanting to still be pregnant. We expected to still have at least 4 weeks with Lily, inside me yes, but still we would have her! We never expected her to arrive early... with my family history, we expected her to be late... and I would have carried her late without complaint if it meant she was still with us!

The last few days have been tough ones... there have been too many firsts without our baby... Its a hard realisation to keep coming to, doing things and she is no longer around. But after a week of bad days, today was a good day. Luke and I have decided to get us each a ring in memory of our lovely Lily... so we went shopping today, but just to look as neither of us were really sure what we were wanting... our only requirement is that they are able to be engraved! I expect they will jump out when we see them...

Someone suggested that I come up with a positive thing each day... so today's positive...

~*~ We went shopping without seeing anyone that doesn't know and would ask well intentioned questions that would make for an awkward situation. ~*~