Saturday, July 30, 2011

My locket

When Lily was born some wonderful friends bought me a lovely and thoughtful gift... a heart shaped locket with "Lily 17.03.11" engraved on the back. I was quite surprised by the gift! I don't know when they thought of it, but they got it, had it engraved and were giving it to me the next day... I know it doesn't take long to engrave, but to have been so on to it! They even had to travel down from Auckland... Jen and Nico, you guys are amazing... thank you so much for the locket, I am not sure I ever thanked you properly! I have worn it every day since... even though I hadn't put any photos in it... but today, I finally put some photos in it! It's not the easiest thing to put photos in! You have to get them printed at the right size, cut them out in the right shape and get it in right... but today I did it all! :D And I am so happy with it! I LOVE it even more! Thought I would share it with you :D They are not the best photos... possibly due to the lighting... or just my bad photography! hahaha anyway, you get the idea, and I LOVE it so much! :D Again, thanks Jen and Nico!

Anyway, 2 posts in one day! Hahaha that should satisfy you Kim! :D


30 July 2011

The picture on the left is of Lily with her aunty Madz... my beautiful baby sister holding my beautiful baby... makes me realise my baby sister isn't a baby herself anymore!

So I was told it was about time I did another blog post... so here it is...

Things are going well for us. Work is good, very tiring but then what's new? Wasn't feeling flash yesterday (Friday) so had a day off and seem to be alright today. One of the joys of working with kids is picking up a lot of bugs!

We have continued to look at a headstone for Lily, well more still thinking about it, haven't been to any of the places that make them to get advice or ideas or anything... But the only day off Luke and I have together is a Sunday, and they aren't open on a Sunday, so makes it a bit difficult! 
Still have no idea what words to put on it that will express everything we want to say! I don't wan tit to say something sad, I don't want it to be about what we lost, but more about what we gained... what Lily was to us, rather than just our baby that we lost.

And I realised the other day, how weird it was to say that I lost Lily... I know what it is meant to mean, but I said it the other day and then thought, no, I didn't loose her... I have always known where she is! No she is not here with me, but that doesn't mean I lost her! I know it is just what you say, but why lost? I didn't loose her in the supermarket, or at the park, or something like that, I have always known where she is...
I'm not in denial, I do know that Lily died and is now gone from earth, it is just a strange feeling to say "I lost her"... maybe people would rather I said "I lost my baby" rather than, "My baby died.

We still have the kids with us. Still no plan for them, we got the care plans for them the other day (finally, you are meant to get them when the kids first come!) and it was full of incorrect info! They can't even get the birthdates and schools right! If they can't get the small things right it makes me worry for the rest of it!

On Wednesday we have a meeting at the hospital in regards to a letter of complaint we put in... don't really know what to expect there but I guess the chance to get our concerns across in hopes that some of the things that happened with us won't happen for another person in the same or similar position! It has nothing to do with Lily's outcome, it is more the experiences we had during the whole time we were there. I am going to have to re read the letter we sent to remind myself of the concerns... they are not something we have focused on!

My hair is still falling out... but I am not bald yet... thankfully! Tho some days it feels like I can't be far off it! 

Anyway, thats about all I have to say about that! :D


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

20 July 2011 - just cos

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you

Sunday, July 17, 2011

17 July 2011 - 4 months

Would you believe it is 4 months since I held my live baby in my arms? Yeah, 4 months... that seems like a crazy long time to have passed for something that still feels like only yesterday... but then again, it seems like such a short time ago for something that feels like it happened so long ago... crazy how it works!

That may sound more depressing than it is meant to... but be assured, life is good, things are going well, we are doing well, its just hard to believe it has been 4 months already, and yet only 4 months... does that make sense?

Tonight I have been trying to seriously think about what we are going to do for her headstone... we buried her somewhere that we could put a headstone because that is what we want to do, but never knew how hard it would be to create one... how do you find the perfect tribute, the perfect words that will forever be there as a memory of your baby? What words do you use? No words would ever be enough to describe her, and the love and joy she brought to us... no words could ever do her justice... so what words do you settle for?

Monday, July 11, 2011

11 July 2011

I have discovered there are a lot of things they don't tell you about being pregnant, birth and even afterwards... such as when your waters break they will keep leaking! But I have now discovered another one that I at least hope is only to do with the pregnancy...

My hair is falling out... at a mentally crazy rate! At least it seems that way! I swear half my hair falls out every morning! Lol ok not quite, but it feels like it and it scared me a bit, and even more so the other night when I looked in the mirror and to me my hair is visibly thinner especially in patches (no more tying my hair up!) so had a little freak out... enough to convince me to go to the doctor (and that must be pretty bad!) ... but before seriously going through with the doctor threat I decided to consult Dr Google... and it seems it is normal to loose hair after having a baby, even months after... I am hoping that the amount I am loosing is normal too! 

Alright, so that has been my eventful few days... hair loss... was really starting to freak out quietly (yip I do some things quietly!)... 

Now my head hurts so I am going to bed finally! Was meant to be an early night but it is now 10.30... ops... 

Sarah :)

Friday, July 8, 2011

8 July 2011

Photo 1 - Birthday cake for Miss F who turned 10 on Wednesday... 

Photo 2 - The cover of Lily's book

Yesterday (Thursday) we were given an incredible gift, it is a photo book of our beautiful Lily... I have added a photo of the cover, I couldn't decide on a favourite page to take a photo of because they are all just so awesome... so all you get for now is the cover! Such an incredible gift! When I first looked at it I will admit there were tears, but the book is so visibly filled with love its just... lovely? such an understatement, but its wonderful! I have already looked at it so many times it should be all worn out! hahaha but every time I look at it there is something different that I smile about...

So I have been back at work for 3 weeks now and it is like I was never away... :) However, I am extremely tired when I get home now!

The kids are doing well... still no progress in their case which sucks for them! But they still doing good with us. They are booked in to a holiday program for the holidays which is good... we had Miss F's birthday on Wednesday... she chose what we had for dinner (cocktail sausages, sausage rolls, cake (banana and chocolate chip, made by Heidi and decorated by Miss F), chicken chips and dip and pizza... and we are taking them bowling on Sunday... we tried to make it as special as we could for her.

So in summary... we got an amazing gift and Miss F is now 10. Life is goooooooooood. :D

Sarah. :)

Sunday, July 3, 2011

3 July 2011

Today I got cuddles from 2 gorgeous little bubbas! The first one cried every time I held her! Hahaha thanks Ellyce! However, baby number 2 restored my faith in babies! Hahaha had some lovely snuggles from a gorgeous little Lachy (thanks Renee and Glen!). Baby snuggles are just amazing and fun (as long as they not crying and their nappies are clean!), I love them!

Anyway, today has been quite a 'thoughtful' day... full of lots of thoughts about things... not bad stuff, well most of it isn't bad stuff, just thoughts and things.

We went shopping today for Miss F's birthday presents as she turns 10 on Wednesday... what on earth do you buy a 10 year old you hardly know? Think we have done ok... but anyway, while we were out shopping we had to stop by a couple of baby departments for a gift (not for Miss F!!)and while wording this might be hard and it might sound strange, I was able to look at things and think of another baby... not like someone else's baby (they're great too of course), but our own baby, our next one, whenever a next one comes... and it also made me begin to think about a next one... as in what will it be? What will it look like, what will the pregnancy be like... all those things that I wondered before I got pregnant with Lily, and while I was pregnant of course... it was nice though to be able to look at things again and almost be kind of excited about buying them again... and while it sucks that it won't be for Lily... we will have another baby one day and that is just as exciting as it was when we were trying for Lily, and when we were pregnant with Lily, and while we had Lily... it doesn't ever mean that we replace Lily, just like a 2nd child is never a replacement of the first! Another baby will be a different baby, a different child with a different personality... get what I mean? I look forward to that, it is the excitement that I think should be felt (or more!) around every pregnancy, every baby... doesn't mean there is never fear or apprehension and all those things, but they should still be exciting...

I was thinking today, there are so many children, babies that are unwanted... and that is, to me, an extremely sad thing! Every child should KNOW they are wanted and that they are loved! I am not saying every pregnancy needs to be planned, that's not what I mean, even an unplanned pregnancy, a "mistake" can be turned around into a baby that is wanted and loved! I have seen it, and I really admire these people! But you see kids that are put up with rather than enjoyed, and kids that aren't even put up with... :( A child/baby should NEVER have to experience that! NEVER. and it really makes me sad!! That was the only 'bad' thought from today... it is just extremely sad, as an understatement.

On another note, have you ever listened to the song Aint nothing gonna break my stride... or whatever it is called? It goes "Aint nothing gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no, I got to keep on moving"... I used to really like that song, and while I don't think it is a bad song or anything, I was listening to it today and I thought, it's not true... I have learned that there ARE things that "break your stride" and slow you down, but you know what? That's ok! You don't have to 'just keep moving', it is ok for things to affect you so much that you pause, that you slow down a bit... and you know what else, sometimes your stride does change, and that is ok too! Does that make sense? Well that is my take on that anyway... doesn't mean it is the same for everyone... but I think it is kind of unrealistic to expect that you can just go through life and nothing affects you enough to make you pause... 

Anyway, I am going to bed... it has been a good weekend! Roll on next weekend! Hahaha

I am thankful for...
~*~ Phil's birthday... so I didn't have to cook dinner! Thanks Pip! ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ Who could go past the baby snuggles... both the crying ones and the sleepy ones... ~*~

I am looking forward to a great week ahead! :D


Friday, July 1, 2011

1 July 2011

Oh my, July already! Half way through the year!

Ok so it has been a few days since I have posted... that is because life is pretty uneventful! Well that and I am just so tired I can't be bothered posting! But just as an update, things are going well. I am back into my work and am loving it! We still have the kids living with us, and not much has happened for them really... there was a family group conference this week but haven't heard whether anything was achieved in it... they have been with us for 6 weeks now... it is like they have been with us for a lot longer, but also only a short time!  They are great kids and we are loving having them.

This week has been a good week really. Monday (or Tuesday?) I was pretty tired and was a bit of a mess but the next day was another day and was much better, it was just one of those days... you have good days and bad days at the best of times! It only makes sense to continue to have them even in harder times! Today though was a little hard in a way that did relate to Lily... 2 things, 1 - one of the kids had a dummy that was the same as one we had purchased for Lily... I know that might sound strange, but I just saw it and thought of Lily, but not really in a sad way, just a "I got one of those for Lily and she never got to use it"... the other thing was some people were discussing their littlies sleep patterns and routines and I was just watching thinking, I wish I could contribute to that conversation... I wish I could talk about a night with Lily... it's not that I don't want people to talk about it around me, I normally don't mind at all, and normally I am interested in how nights have gone for people, so if that's you, don't stop talking to me about your own baby, I do still care about you and yours and I do still want to hear it... I think this week, just being more tired has made me a bit more sensitive... it is strange how some very random things won't effect you one day, but does another day...

Am looking forward to a weekend... tomorrow night we are going out for Luke's work I believe... bowling and dinner? Will be good to get out, even if it is with people I don't know well so makes for a very awkward Sarah! hahaha

Anyway, I am thankful for...
~*~ These kids we have with us... they are awesome kids who we love having! We have learned a lot from having them, and from them themselves. Will be strange when they are gone! ~*~

And the positive for the day...
~*~ Dinner :D Thanks Luke, it was yum! ~*~