Monday, June 27, 2011

27 June 2011

The photo is the one of the very first photos we have of Lily... from when she looked almost like a tadpole! Hahaha was cute even then! 

Today kind of feels like a real mess. Nothing really happened today... I am just mentally exhausted I think... most the day I was fine but there were a few times that I just wanted to break down in tears... nothing would even need to have happened, I just wanted to cry... I guess it was just one of those days... it isn't like I was upset about anything, I wasn't upset over Lily, I wasn't thinking about losing her or anything that would explain it, was just emotional. The grief counselor we spoke to talked about the amount of things you can cope with used to be like this much <---------------------> but now is only this much <-----> and it doesn't have to seem related or even relevant, it is just how it is at the moment. And I guess there is a new "limit", at least for now, and I am still learning it. But tomorrow is another day... and I am sure it will be a better one... after some sleep and rest. Early to bed maybe.

As a side note, above, instead of writing "thinking about losing her" I almost wrote "thinking about everything I lost" but I can't think of it like that, I DON'T think of it like that, because while I lost a lot when I lost Lily, I really gained much, MUCH more when I had her! It totally overpowers anything I lost!

Ok so a blah day, but one positive of the day was...
~*~ Coming home to a house that was reasonably clean after my darling hubby worked on it ~*~

And I am thankful for...
~*~ My mother in law and sister in law - thanks for looking after the kids while Luke was out and I had a staff meeting! You're awesome! ~*~


Saturday, June 25, 2011

25 June 2011

Today was crazy! Good crazy, just busy. Had Jungle Rumble on today... a free kids event we put on at church that runs 10-2. It went really well, just very tired now!

On another note... a lot of things changed when we had Lily, and most of it was good, but there are some things that changed or happened that wasn't/isn't so good, but they seem to me, completely unrelated! Such as the anxiety and panic attacks I experienced... thankfully I haven't had any of that for awhile now but today i realised something else that has changed that I hope changes back... I don't really know how to explain it properly but it is like very little seems important any more... or maybe I just don't have the same motivation I used to have... I'm not sure...

There are still things that are extremely important to me... yeah I think it is better explained as a lack of motivation for things... I used to love being involved in lots of things and loved being part of the organising things... but now, it is almost like I couldn't care less... I don't think it is as bad or as serious as it might sound... I am just struggling to be excited,or even keen to be involved in the things I was involved in... maybe it is just because I am out of habit, I haven't been involved in the kids programme at church all year (other than events like this). Maybe once I actually get back into it and am fully involved again I might feel differently... I hope it changes, because I know I enjoy being involved in things...

Don't get me wrong, it is not like I am unhappy, or that I sit at home all lonely or sulking at all... it just takes more work to be involved, like forcing myself to instead of jumping at the chance... one thing that hasn't changed is my love and passion for kids and wanting to work with them in many different contexts and ways and helping out where ever I can when I can... and also my desire to help people in any way I can. It is a strange feeling to know that you can be changed in ways you don't think about... but to me, I figure if I can recognise it, I can do something about it... I can work on getting involved even if I am not naturally motivated to do so...

Anyway, today I am thankful for...
~*~ Wonderfully behaved children! F and J were fantastically behaved today and even helped during the 2 hour cleanup! I am thankful for that! ~*~

and the positive of the day...
~*~ A fantastic Jungle Rumble, what an amazing team to be a part of! ~*~


Friday, June 24, 2011

24 June 2011

Well I survived my first week back at work... and better than survived, I enjoyed it, I like being back, it is kind of like coming home. Yeah it has been hard at times, but it has also been really good. 

I have been asked whether it is now hard to work with kids like I do after loosing Lily, and so far (though it is only week one) I have actually found it easier than I thought it would be! Who knows why. But I think seeing the kids and babies has helped... I really don't know how to explain it at all... maybe it is because it gives me the opportunity to hold a child/baby, or be with a child/baby like I wish I was at this time with Lily... not that the other children are there filling her shoes, or that it is any thing like having my own child to hold, but it has helped I think. 

There have only been a handful of times this week that I have wanted to run but instead just stepped back or closed my eyes and taken a deep breath or two. But I got through the week and I got through ok... I haven't run screaming, I haven't tried to hide away and I haven't given up... I am able to go back each day without worry and still looking forward to each day and the fun I will have in a job I love.

Tonight I got to hold a gorgeous baby girl and it was the hardest time I have had holding a baby since having Lily... I don't know why, I have held her before, and I have held a few babies since Lily (its amazing how babies seem to come in groups!) but this time was harder for some reason... who knows why. Its not that I looked at her and thought of Lily, it's not that I broke down or lost the plot or anything like that... I just held her and had to hold back the tears but I can't explain why because I don't know the reason. I enjoyed holding her, there was just a sadness, but it wasn't a sadness that came from deep thought or even any thoughts... it just was. But you know what? It's moments like those that my heart still swells and reminds me how much I love the little girl I lost... that it can still hurt, that she is still there in my every step, my every moment, without me having to actually, consciously think about her... It isn't that I have forgotten her! Or that I don't think about it, or that I don't think I loved her... because I could never begin to describe the love I have for her, even though I have lost her (well not really lost, I know where she is)... but the moments that it hurts without thoughts, or even just when my heart tugs a bit, I realise how deep she is embedded in who I am and my daily life. So while moments are hard, they are ok... it is ok to feel how I feel, it is ok to still hurt a bit... but each time it hurts, I am pretty good at being able to turn it round and remember why it hurts... it hurts because I lost someone who I love very much, and that was my daughter... and that thought is happier... I had a baby, I had a daughter, I still have a daughter... she doesn't stop being mine just because she isn't here... so those sad thoughts lead to happy thoughts, and happy memories... holding another baby can remind me of holding Lily, and the fact that I will never hold her again, but it also reminds me that I got to hold her, I got to hold my perfect angel in my arms for her whole life and tell her I love her... not everyone who looses a baby gets that opportunity... I did. I got to have her kick my insides all around and play music on my ribs! I only got to hold her in my arms for a very short time, but I got to carry her in my womb for 36ish weeks... and I will now carry her in my heart and in my thoughts for the rest of my life.

I am lucky, I am blessed, I am loved and I love.

Positive of the day...
~*~ Holding that baby girl and the feelings that came with it and realising how Lily has become a part of my every minute whether I am aware of it or not ~*~

I am thankful for...
~*~ The chance to carry my girl for 36 ish weeks and then to hold her in my arms ~*~


Thursday, June 23, 2011

23 June 2011

Sheesh this year is going fast!

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ Having some amazing people in my life. There are so many different characters that colour my life and some people I really admire for different reasons. I would like to say "you know who you are" but you may not realise I am talking about you... ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ Getting up ~*~


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

22 June 2011

The positive of today...
~*~ Working with someone I haven't worked with for a year... I missed working with you Kim and it was great working with you again today!!! ~*~

I am thankful for...
~*~ My warm house! Really appreciating it now that I am spending most of my day outside in the cold!!! ~*~


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

21 June 2011

Another day of work.. this one was a little more trying... there was one point that I just had to bail on what I was doing... It was mat time and it was a little chaotic and I kind of feel like I buckled under the pressure... I wasn't taking mat time, just supporting... but I had this sudden feeling of "I can't do this" and I knew I had to get out... I am very thankful that I was able to just swap with another teacher without problems.

A few other low points at work today and came home tired again!!! But I am glad and thankful that I have a job I love enough that even after a bad day I look forward to going back tomorrow... 

So I m thankful for...
~*~ A day with lovely weather! ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ The conversations I got to have with some of the children! I love talking to them and watching them think through things, building their own working theories of the world... conversations with 2.5 year olds are fun and insightful! ~*~

Alright, off to bed now... it gets earlier and earlier! Lol
Sarah. :)

Monday, June 20, 2011

20 May 2011 - First day back at work

So today was my first day back at work... and it went alright... tiring! But then always expected that! It was good to be back, I am glad I have a job I love and miss when I am away! It was strange to be back, and it was noisy... well compared to sitting at home alone almost anything is noisy! There were a couple of times in the day that I found I just plastered a smile on my face to get through, or laugh unnecessarily. But make it through I did and tomorrow is another day :)

Coming home was harder! But that was just because I was tired by then I think and to come home and things had been done differently to how I had been doing them for the last 3 months and with the kids it was different to the routine I had with them for the past 4 weeks... but thats ok, I got over it and the evening was good. 

So now it is early to bed ready for tomorrow...

I am thankful for...
~*~ Ice cream! ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ Surviving my first day back at work! ~*~

Sarah. :)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

19 June 2011

It has been a long day! Church, hair cuts, doctors, grocery shopping and shoe shopping! It has been good, frustrating and productive... and that is it for the life of luxury (HAHA)... back to the life of work tomorrow... 

So for now it is time for bed...

Positive from today...
~*~ Getting the kids hair cut... made such a difference for J! ~*~

And I am thankful for...
~*~ The new pair of jeans I bought today... :D Ones that are pre pregnancy size and fit well :) Was looking for tops but instead ended up buying a pair of jeans! ~*~

Goodnight :)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

18 June 2011

Today I was having a... well I would like to say clean OUT but I don't think I got rid of anything... so really just a reorganisation... any way, came across these two photos of me when I was 1 day old that I don't remember seeing before... But I was surprised to look at them and see a similarity to Lily... maybe no one else can see it, but I saw it and I liked seeing that because I still look at the photos and see Luke.. obviously the fuzzy pictures on the left are me and the clearer ones on the right are my beautiful bub.

Today I suddenly realised how much I had wanted to do before going back to work that I haven't done... ops! So spent the day reorganising our outside room... again it was re organising rather than cleaning out :S The room is full of our 'stuff' that we can't seem to part with... there is a lot of stuff! Anyway, I reorganised some of it today so we can fit some more 'stuff' in there... hahaha Seems a little pointless but I am glad I did it! Means we can clear out some of the stuff from our room inside! Oh boy if we buy a new house without that space we are going to REALLY be in trouble!!!!!!!

Back to work on Monday... and thankfully I will be wearing pants! I haven't bought any clothes since having Lily and am currently wearing pants that are too big for me (preggy ones) usually, with 1 pair of jeans that were from early on in my pregnancy... so wasn't sure what I was going to wear to work, but I tried on my old work pants today, ones from before I was pregnant and some of them fit! So I will be wearing pants on Monday! I'm sure that pleases everyone!!! Hahaha

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ our outside rooms where we can store all our "stuff" ~*~

And the positive from today...
~*~ Finding photos of me that reminded me of Lily :) ~*~

Sarah :D

Friday, June 17, 2011

17 June 2011

Lily, I can't believe it has been 3 months since I held you in my arms for the first time and told you I loved you, oh how I love you! Even though you are gone from my arms, I still hold you tight in my heart and in my thoughts! You are still a constant joy and our memories of you continue to bring us increasing happiness. "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." 
Well today really marks the end of my maternity leave I guess... back to work on Monday... I am looking forward to going back and getting back into a job I love! 
And what a great way to spend my last day of leave than with one last long hot chocolate date with 2 wonderful ladies... and what a YUMMY hot chocolate it was too! Thanks Jayne and Vikki :D
As you can see by my posts this week I don't have much to blog about anymore, which must be a good sign in the sense that things have settled down and there is a lot less drama! But I will continue to post as our journey does continue :) and I still plan to post the positive and thankfulness things as it is still important to me to continue to remember that there is always positives in the day and that there is still much to be thankful for! And I don't want to forget it!
So I am thankful for...
~*~ a job I look forward to going back to! ~*~
And the positive of the day...
~*~ Has to be the yummy morning tea with great company! ~*~

Thursday, June 16, 2011

16 June 2011

The photos are of my latest knitting is not perfect at all but I am pretty happy with it! Its a tunic/dress thing, was meant to be long sleeved but since I did it in a little size I didn't want long sleeves so tried to do cap type sleeves on it instead... with my very first attempt at knitting a picture into my work... a pink butterfly... not even CLOSE to perfect but not bad for my first go I think!

So this is it, my last couple of days before going back to work... I can't believe how quickly the time is gone! I am kind of excited but also kind of anxious about going back... not anxious like concerning anxious, just the normal anxious... kind of the feeling I get when I have to do tests or be assessed for something... but I think that is normal (for me at least) after being off work for 3 months! It makes it a bit easier to go back when I know that the people I work with are so amazing and an incredible support. Because if there is anything I have learned though this time (I have learned a lot more but hey...) it is that emotions are completely unpredictable and unexpected... so while I expect to be fine going back, I am still going to allow myself to feel what I feel... 

It is going to be weird not having all this spare time!

Ok so an update on these kiddies... we appear to have the stealing issue sorted, for now at least.... we have said that the kids can stay on until their case is sorted (8ish weeks) but that cyfs has to work out before and after school care for when I go back to work... they knew this a couple of weeks ago and yet tomorrow is Friday and they still haven't got it sorted... very frustrating! And even worse, the poor things still have no idea what is happening with their case and still expect to be going home soon.

Before they came to us, Miss F was seeing a psychiatrist each week and since she has been with us she hasn't been able to see them at all (thanks cyfs)... this could be why we were having the behaviours we were. It is also hard when she has asked me a few times when she gets to see her psychiatrist again... to me she is recognising that she needs to see them which is a good thing and should be recognised and supported, but I have been powerless to get this sorted for her, despite phone calls and emails regarding it... however I have finally heard that she has an appointment on Tuesday...

The positive of today...
~*~ Lunch and hot chocolate with Rach... but we forgot to have the goodies afterwards! Too busy talking!! Thanks Rach for the date ~*~

And I am thankful for...
~*~ The recognition of the time I would need off work after having a baby, still getting maternity leave payments even though I lost my baby has given me the opportunity to take the time off that I needed and return to work 'ready'. And not only has it helped in the sense of not having to go back before I was ready to work, but has allowed me time to grieve and become ok with me again at my pace and without pressure ~*~

Sarah. :D

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

15 June 2011

The positive thing from today...
~*~ Going to see my mum and having her show me how to knit pictures onto my knitting...  I attempted it tonight, am nearly finished so might show you tomorrow... its not perfect but I don't think it is bad for my first go! Just as well I have a clever mum! ~*~

And I am thankful for...
~*~ A final Red Cherry date with Michelle :) What am I going to do when I go back to work? AAAAAAHHHHHHH ~*~


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

14 June 2011

The photo on the left is what 1.24kg of Reese's Pieces looks like... :D YUM!

Todays revalation - I FEEL good... I actually feel good. Now when people say to me "You're looking good" I don't wonder how on earth someone could say that because inside I didn't feel good, inside I felt like total rubbish, but people were kind. But while I don't know what I look like to other people, I realised today that I feel good, mentally, emotionally, physically. And that is a nice feeling, a good feeling. Sure there are still moments that are rough, but that is life in general isn't it? There are always the "bad hair days" (both physically and emotionally) even when life is going smoothly. So yeah, I feel good. :)

On his blog Luke posted the following:
What if, two years ago, someone told us the following:
- It will take you a year to get pregnant
- Your first child will be a little girl
- Early on you will find out she has life threatening complications but there is some hope that the doctors can do something once she is born
- She will choose her own name, and show her personality in scans
- One week before she is born you will be told there is nothing they can do
- You will get less than 10 minutes with her before she will die in your arms
- You will help organise the funeral in less than one and a half days
- Two months later, you will be looking after a 7 year old and 9 year old that you have never met before.

Luke continues "There is no way I would have thought any person could survive it. Even thinking about it now, it still doesn't really make sense to me. It's just too much, but somehow we did make it through..." and while I was reading it I thought, that sounds like quite a rough few months to have... but even if I had been told that before any of it, I would have still done it. The 8 months she grew in me, the 10 minutes I held her before she passed, they are time I wouldn't give up even if I had had warning before any of it... 

We have been on a wild ride, one I hope no one ever has to go on, but we have come out of it with a beautiful gift! Lily really was a special gift for us. And personally I have also learnt many things along the way for example... people care, majority of people REALLY care, people want to help and given the opportunity, people want to be able to support you. I have learnt that some people have had to go through similar situations without the support we have been shown and I don't know how they did it. I learnt that some thing as simple as being honest and open helps others and has helped people heal some from similar situations in their past. 

I am not saying our journey is over... our journey is still only just beginning, it will never end... but the hardest parts are behind us, now our days are full of ups, we can look forward while confidently knowing that we carry our first born with us through our lives. She will never EVER be replaced, but we will (all going well) have other children. Our family will continue to grow, Lily will always be a part of it, we don't leave her behind, she comes forward with us!

So today I am also stealing my thankfulness for the day from Luke... I am thankful for... 
~*~ Strength I never knew I had ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ purchasing a 1.24kg bag of Reese's Pieces. YUM YUM YUM!!! ~*~


Monday, June 13, 2011

13 June 2011

It is hard to believe I have been off work for 13 weeks now...It has gone by extremely quickly! Got to make the most of my last week! :) Which also means CYFs only has 4 days to get themselves organised for before and after school care for the kids if they are to stay any longer with us...

We went to see the counselor again today... it was good to talk through things I guess but neither of us are really finding it necessary at the moment... I wished we had done it earlier, but I think we have come through alright by ourselves... We haven't made another booking with her but if we find we need to in the future we can... For me now, Lily is a happy memory, sure there are moments that I am sad, and there are times that are hard, after all I lost a very precious life, a whole life, when I lost my daughter. But when I think of her, the memories are happy. I am not in denial, I know it sucks, I know that there were some not nice times, but while I won't forget them, they are not what I think about when I think about Lily, instead I remember watching her in scans wiggling in every way possible to make it hard for the scan technician! I remember her choosing her name. I remember her responding to my touch, to my voice, to Luke's raspberries... I remember how much I LOVED carrying her and having her grow and move around inside me... Lily is a happy memory, it's about time too! Lol

I have decided we need a bigger house... one with at least 4 bedrooms... 4 bedrooms inside that is... in the same area we are in... so if anyone wants to give us one, let me know!!!! :D I am ready to sell this one and buy a new one... ok it doesn't have to be NEW... just needs to be bigger and have a dishwasher! Easy right? wrong, not a heap in our price range... not that I even know what our price range is... lol. We love having people in our home but it needs to be bigger!

Anyway, today was mine and Luke's last day off together without the kids for awhile... Next week I am back at work making my weekend Saturday/Sunday, and Luke's weekend Sunday/Monday... 

The positive of the day...
~*~ Heidi baby sitting so I could go to a staff meeting... man what a boring day! :D Thanks Heidi! ~*~

And I am thankful for......
~*~ Luke passing his kidney stone! No operation necessary! ~*~

Sarah. :)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

12 June 2011

It has been a great weekend :) Nothing really to post about so I will just do a positive from the day and what I am thankful for today.... Highly exciting! :P

I only have 1 more week off work before I go back... am going in tomorrow for a planning meeting so should be fun... at least I will have some clue of the planning and focus before I go back!

I am thankful for...
~*~ groceries - yum! ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ Baking chocolate muffins with the kids today :) ~*~

See, all HIGHLY exciting! :D


Saturday, June 11, 2011

11 June 2011

The photo is of Lily's grave site as of today... it looks a bit of a mess but its not really!! Lol It is a bit blown around today so the plant isn't looking its best... and the photo doesn't do it justice, it is bright and colourful and full of love!

Today was a good day :) Managed to get some stuff done :) The kids were off visiting their family and Luke was at work... I went out to Lily's grave and took some tulips and another sort of flower out to put in the glass vase that isn't meant to be there... :P  It was good to go there, am glad the rain hadn't arrived yet!

Tonight Heidi and Raewyn (Lukes sister and mum) came round and looked after the kids while Luke and I went and had dinner and caught up with Renee and Glen and Pip and Phil and the very cute baby Lachlan... Was a good night! Would love to do it again soon! I got to have some lovely LOOOOONG cuddles with Lachlan... he smelt yummy! Lol. While sometimes it is hard to see babies and little kiddies, it is getting easier and I still enjoy them and they still make me very clucky! I just think that at the moment it is the NEXT round of babies that is harder as I have tried to explain in other posts... the ones I get to snuggle now are all from the same wave as Lily... its the next round that I miss out on, thats what I found hard... I failed when it was my go, so now its someone elses turn... but just as it got easier to be round babies, I imagine it will get easier to hear other people are pregnant now too... I hope so anyway...

So the positive of the day...
~*~ dinner and catch up with friends and cuddles with Lachlan :D~*~

And I am thankful for...
~*~ Inlaws who babysit! Thanks Raewyn and Heidi!! ~*~


Friday, June 10, 2011

10 June 2011

First up an explanation of the photo... I was watching Dancing on Ice (or something like that) and thought I could SOOO do that!!! ANd here is proof! Don't I look like a professional Ice Skater or something? AGREE WITH ME!!! hahaha The photo was taken in 2006 when Luke and I went up to Auckland to the Ice Skating rink... and we had it ALL to ourselves!! Was great fun, and even better when no one else is there to laugh at you when you fall over! Not that I fell over or anything!! (please excuse the exposed belly! This was when I was skinny and wasn't as conscious of it!)

Anyway... today has been good. Suck about the miserable weather! I have literally had a very lazy day. I wish I had had more energy or motivation! But I suppose with the weather we had, more energy wouldn't have been a lot of use! So yes, a day of knitting! 

I wanted to go out to Lily's grave but didn't because of the rain... didn't have a specific reason to go, just felt like I wanted to, like I tried to explain in an earlier post, I find that Lily's grave is a restful place and somewhere to relax believe it or not... Why did I seek a place to rest? No particular reason, just exhausted today... I will blame partly the time of month for me, it does make me more tired and emotional so that combined with rough sleeps the last few nights might explain the feeling. I'm not sad, I'm not down... It just is...

One thing I have struggled with this week as you have seen if you read my previous posts, is other people getting pregnant now, and I think I may have kind of figured out the feeling... now it may not be 'right' and it might not make any sense... but if I have learned one thing over the past few months it is that feelings are feelings, they cannot always be explained, or rationalised and you can't reason with them... they just are... and the feelings around others getting pregnant... it kind of feels like I have had my turn and I failed so now it is other peoples turns... I think that is why it is hard, and I think that is why it hurts more that someone just got pregnant now, then it does that people were pregnant before I had Lily, even though they have babies now, their turn was the same as mine, it is this next round of people getting pregnant that hurts more, because my turn has been and gone... that is the thought behind some of the feelings anyway... it doesn't have to make sense or be rational... that is how feelings are sometimes...

So I am back on the roster at work... that kind of makes it very official that I am going back, and makes it feel very close! I only have 1 more week in this life of extreme excitement... (its not very exciting at all!)... I am looking forward to going back, but a tiny bit anxious too... and I don't think that will go away until I am back... 

I am thankful for...
~*~ The chocolate sundae Luke brought home when he finished work (9pm-ish)... a good way to end the day ~*~

The positive thing for the day...
~*~ It's Friday... that means tomorrow is Saturday and tomorrow night we have someone (either Luke's sister or his mum) coming to look after the kiddies while we go and catch up with some friends! Yay! ~*~

oh and I officially became a fully registered teacher today too... yay! what does that mean? Not a lot really... but it is done :)

Sarah. :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

9 June 2011

 A nice, uneventful day! Went out and spent most of it with my mum :) The first photo here is of my beautiful mum, and the second is of me with my Granny and my mum when we went to Thailand (Jan 2010). I love my mum, she is a truly amazing woman and I love spending time with her so it was a good day!

Still looking for advice on what to do with the stealing in our house... mum gave me some ideas to try but welcome any other suggestions too! :D

What I am thankful for today is a case of "too much info" but it is what it is! ~*~ I am thankful for... having my period again.. who would have thought I would be thankful for such a thing! But having my period back again regularly is kind of a great feeling in the sense that it means my body is getting back to normal, or is very close to being so! :) Tht makes me thankful! ~*~

And the positive thing of the day...
~*~ Spending time with my mummy :) ~*~

Uneventful post huh!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

8 June 2011

A great day today... Luke and I went to the movies to see "Water For Elephants"... was good to get out, jut the two of us :) 
Afterwards we got a bigger plant pot thing and took it out to Lily's grave... it is funny to think the plant we put out there began as a tiny plant in the small pot we originally put it in... then it took over the pot so now we put a bigger pot out there it can keep growing and we can keep sticking things in the pot too! :) I love that it is a bright and cheerful spot of remembrance for our little girl! 

I find it interesting that for me, out by Lily's grave has become almost a place of rest for me... I know it sounds strange, and honestly it was a strange thing for me to realise too... but when I am at my lowest, or have had a rough day, or even just an emotional one, the place I want to go is there out to Lily's grave... Not because my baby is out there... all there is there is her body, but it really is a place of rest for me... 

Anyway, we are having problems with one of the kiddies we have here (9) is still stealing from us... nothing major at all, but don't want it to escalate... have tried talking to her and confronted her today and told her it must stop now and she agreed, but not sure how long that will last... so if anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with it, please let me know!!!! We have tried a general "We know things are being taken, if they are returned and nothing else goes missing then we never speak of it again" and that seemed to work, everything was returned and it seemed to stop, for about 12 days... and like I said, today I confronted her one on one and told her it must stop, but need some suggestions for if it doesn't!!!!!!!!

Today I am thankful for
~*~ A date day with my hubby :) As much as we could fit in between the school runs! ~*~

And the positive thing for the day...
~*~ "upgrading" Lily's grave... its a great tribute to her and I love that it is bring and colourful! :) Representing the joy and happiness she brought to our lives! ~*~


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

7 June 2011

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"

I was reading with F tonight, she chose a book to read to me and it was the book "Love you forever". The quote above is from that book... I think I might have mentioned it in an earlier blog post, but it came up again today while F was reading and it was kind of peaceful, it is true to my situation... I'll love Lily forever, like her for always and as long as I am living, she will be my baby. I will always carry her with me. But then in a sense (only a very SMALL sense) the quote kind of made me sad because all I will ever know of Lily is her as a baby, I will never know her as a toddler, a child, a teenager, an adult... as long as I am living, my BABY she'll be.

Took the kiddies to the doctor today to get some inhalers for J and to get some real instructions on F's medicine, I have been told 3 different ways of how much/how often she is meant to take it! So yay for that! 

So the positive of the day...
~*~ Yeah that would be finally finding out how to ACTUALLY give F her meds! ~*~

And I am thankful for...
~*~ A day off with my hubby with the kids at school :) ~*~

Sarah. :)

Monday, June 6, 2011

6 June 2011

Today I am hurting a bit... not a heap and it hasn't taken over my day, just a feeling that pops up occasionally. The hurt today is centered around not having a baby in general I think. While people around me have kids, or have just had babies, or are pregnant... I know this isn't REALLY the case, but it is what it feels like today... and while the pain isn't so much that I don't have Lily... it is in the sense of the whole experience with Lily has woken me up to the reality that getting or being pregnant doesn't always mean you get to take home a baby at the end of it! I always knew that that is sometimes the case, you hear many stories and you can read the facts, but until it happens to you... or maybe to someone really close to you, I don't think you really completely understand that... And then the fact that it took us a year just to get pregnant... just because you want a baby, a child, doesn't mean you get one... for some it is easy... but for some it is not, and I know there are cases much harder than ours, as far as we know we can still have another one! But all I can speak from is my own experience... We have waited what seems like a long time now to have a child of our own, we thought we had it, and we did, Lily is always going to be our daughter, but now we are back to waiting, this time for a child to raise. 

I am thankful today, for 
~*~ Loosing (according to my scales) 1.3kg in the last week! Yay! ~*~

And the positive thing 
~*~ A visit from a great friend... thanks Rach for the chat! ~*~


Sunday, June 5, 2011

5 June 2011

We had a very busy and productive day today! Spent the morning... yes the whole morning... shopping for the kids clothes... we got more than I thought we would get for the money were had been allocated! Yay! Then we went to a $2 type shop before going to the park to play frisbie and kick a ball around, to burn off the energy provided by the fizzy drink they had with lunch!

And that was all before 2! Lol

The kids appear to understand now that they may be with us for another 7-8 weeks. A sad realisation but better that they know and stop expecting to go home every couple of days!

My brainwave of teh day is random, it is about stretch marks... I got a heap of them while I was pregnant with Lily and since the end of my pregnancy I have really disliked them, maybe because there was no longer a reason for them... while I was pregnant they didn't bother me! They were there for a reason, but then suddenly they were still there and there was no longer a reason... so I didn't like them... some one said to me awhile ago to be proud of them, they are a mark of something amazing... but at the time that didn't work, I couldn't look at them like that... but tonight I suddenly could, they are not something I am ashamed of tonight, they are a mark of what my body carried, and while the marks themselves may not be something to be proud of, the reason for them, what my body carried, that is something to be proud of, if that makes sense? 

The thing I am thankful for today...
~*~ getting these kiddies some new clothes... even if it took like 2.5 hours! ~*~

And the positive thing for the day...
~*~ Having the time, fine weather and energy to play with the kids at the park :D ~*~


Saturday, June 4, 2011

4 May 2011

What a great day! :) Had a lovely visit this morning with yummy cake... and Caroline and Sasha were there too of course... Was great to catch up! Thanks for your visit and baking Caroline!! Then tonight we had the awesome Jen and Nico (pictured) over for dinner (Yeah, I cooked for 6 people! Go me!). So it has been a day filled with great company!

I only have 2 weeks of leave left before I go back to work... boy the time has gone fast!! A couple of people have asked how I am feeling about going back to work... but it is hard to explain! I am looking forward to going back and being around people, both young and old (Yes the old part is you Caroline! :P)... but sometimes I do feel a little bit anxious about it but I don't really know what about... I am not worried about dealing with the kiddies, I THINK I have got over my little freak out with kids. Maybe I am just a little anxious about how it will all go, and how I will cope... One thing I have learned through this journey is that my emotions and thoughts can really catch me by surprise, so I don't want to say that I will be fine... I think I will be ok, I can't see any reason not to be... Well any other reason than the fact that emotions are unpredictable! lol

Anyway, I am off to bed, it is only 9.30 but it feels like it is 11pm!!!!

Today I am thankful for
~*~ Jen and Nico! They were even brave enough to eat my cooking!! ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ The fantastic company throughout the day! Thanks Caroline, Sasha, Jen and Nico! I loved and appreciated your visits!! ~*~


Friday, June 3, 2011

I think being so tired makes me a bit more emotional... naturally I spose! Don't get me wrong, it has been a good day! It is just random things pop up that affect me differently and unexpectedly... got some major snuggles with Ellyce this morning which was lovely, wish I could post a photo of her but since they haven't put any on facebook I better not reveal her to the world first! Lol. But today I got to see her with her eyes open which may sound like an odd thing to say but I haven't been there with her awake before, she is normally asleep. And today it was seeing those beautiful eyes that was hard for me... I guess it is because it reminded me of the fact that Lily never opened hers. I am thankful for the breaths she took as I held her in my arms for cuddles, but she never opened her eyes. That was hard for me today.

There have been a few people recently that have mentioned that they have had miscarriages in the past and they say that they "know that it is not the same", and I agree that it is not the same, but I think in a small sense grieving for Lily is easier, why? Because people expect me to, people can understand (mostly) me grieving for my baby who made it almost full term. My baby who was born alive. But I think people don't have that same understanding for miscarriages... they just expect that you will get over it, and while I believe people can move forward from it, it is similar to our situation in many ways, it is not something you "get over". You lost a baby too like we did! We were fortunate enough to be able to hold ours in our arms, but there are many babies that are lost that their families can't hold. And I think there is an expectation that because your baby wasn't around long, or because you never got to hold them that there isn't a lot to grieve over, not that there is nothing, but the understanding is different, but to me, from the second you know you are pregnant you have a baby, it is another child with a life and you have hopes and dreams for it! Losing a baby through miscarriage, no matter what stage it is at, is to lose a child, a life time of things. I think it is sad that it is often not spoken about or brushed under the carpet! Yes it happens more than you realise, or more than I realised (our doc said 1 in 4 pregnancies end in the first trimester), and yes a lot of people have gone through it, but does that make the pain any less? What is should mean is that the support for when it happens to someone should be massive... crazy massive, instant and amazing! Yes I know there are support groups out there, there are for us as well, but the greatest support we have had are from people who are close to us, people who love and care for us... 

I hope that made sense to someone... I am not very good at proofreading my writing! As you may have guessed from other posts... I just type and post... I don't read back over it or edit at all! Lol.

For those of you that are wondering about how the kids are doing that are staying with us... they are amazing kids and are wonderfully behaved (most the time! Lol). The social worker for their case went on holiday for a week so nothing has been happening. We got some funds to get them some clothes, not much but better than nothing. And we have been told that it is unlikely that anything will be sorted or organised for about 8 weeks, after a family group conference etc. Poor kids!

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ Tax refunds... well the donations one anyway! Was just filling ours out today, and we don't give expecting anything back, but I won't complain when the government chooses to give me a third of it back!! Think it will go straight towards Lily's headstone... :) ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ Snuggles with Ellyce.. :) ~*~


P.S - thanks for the comments!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

2 June 2011

Today I am tired. I am ok, I am just tired, physically, mentally and emotionally, I'm tired! 
That's all I actually have to say today... I'm tired...

Oh and of course I am thankful for a bunch of stuff...

And the positive of the day... more cuddles with Ellyce, my newest cousin... Very cute... hope to go back for more cuddles... and company... tomorrow :)

Ok I can't leave it like that... I am thankful for... the comment section appearing to be working on my blog for anonymous users... I like getting feedback and comments so keep 'em coming if you have something to say :D


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

1 June 2011

This is a hard post to write because I don't want to hurt anyone... but this blog is about being honest and the following is what I am feeling. I love the people involved in this post a lot! And I hope they understand where I am coming from and forgive me...

Tonight I am hurting again but I cant really explain why... Found out tonight that some people who are close to us are pregnant... and I have tried real hard just to be happy for them... but I feel like a terrible person because the feelings are instead ones of hurt, loss, jealousy and frustration. And it hurts more because I don't want to feel this way! I want to feel nothing but happiness for them, I want to be excited like I should be, like I would have been for them if we hadn't lost Lily...

It is really hard to explain, I am happy for them, there is just this pain as well and I don't want it to be there! But my pain isn't coming from missing Lily today... I still think of her and look at her photos and smile and am happy, I think it is just the situation that hurts... to be so desperately wanting a child and we lost our first... why us? Not that it should be any one! No one should have to go through this! So why did we have to? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the time I had with Lily, I appreciate the blessing she was to my life, and the gift, what a marvelous gift, and again, she was worth it... I wouldn't have done it differently if I could go back and do it again... I would carry her all over again even if I knew I would lose her after such a short time. Its just that I want to have my little girl here in my arms now, would much rather have to wake in the night to her crying out. Why when I have ALWAYS wanted nothing more than to be a mum, did I have it taken away? Here's hoping when we start trying for another one it doesn't take another year just to get pregnant!

So in summary, I am trying really hard to just be happy tonight, but I am hurting. And it hurts!