Wednesday, June 1, 2011

1 June 2011

This is a hard post to write because I don't want to hurt anyone... but this blog is about being honest and the following is what I am feeling. I love the people involved in this post a lot! And I hope they understand where I am coming from and forgive me...

Tonight I am hurting again but I cant really explain why... Found out tonight that some people who are close to us are pregnant... and I have tried real hard just to be happy for them... but I feel like a terrible person because the feelings are instead ones of hurt, loss, jealousy and frustration. And it hurts more because I don't want to feel this way! I want to feel nothing but happiness for them, I want to be excited like I should be, like I would have been for them if we hadn't lost Lily...

It is really hard to explain, I am happy for them, there is just this pain as well and I don't want it to be there! But my pain isn't coming from missing Lily today... I still think of her and look at her photos and smile and am happy, I think it is just the situation that hurts... to be so desperately wanting a child and we lost our first... why us? Not that it should be any one! No one should have to go through this! So why did we have to? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the time I had with Lily, I appreciate the blessing she was to my life, and the gift, what a marvelous gift, and again, she was worth it... I wouldn't have done it differently if I could go back and do it again... I would carry her all over again even if I knew I would lose her after such a short time. Its just that I want to have my little girl here in my arms now, would much rather have to wake in the night to her crying out. Why when I have ALWAYS wanted nothing more than to be a mum, did I have it taken away? Here's hoping when we start trying for another one it doesn't take another year just to get pregnant!

So in summary, I am trying really hard to just be happy tonight, but I am hurting. And it hurts!