30 April 2011

Today it hurts. Today I have struggled to hold back the tears. Today the physical pain of my heart breaking came back. It was like loosing Lily all over again. It really hurts.

The photo above is from the hospital and I don't know if you can see it, but there is a tear running down my cheek, the photo is from about 2 seconds after my heart broke that day... It was about 3 hours after she was born, I had held her and smiled and kissed her, I had talked to her and enjoyed her, but this was the moment my heart broke. And I have attached it to this post because it is how I feel right now.

Maybe if I explain what I have been doing today you will think it is understandable how I feel... I don't know... I just know that today I feel as sad and hurting as I did that first time my heart broke...

Today was the baby shower for my baby cousin who is due to arrive some time in the next month... and because I haven't finished what I was knitting for her, I spent some of the morning (while shopping with my baby sister (who is 11)) looking for a present for a little baby girl. Now don't get me wrong at all, I love my aunty to bits and am very, VERY happy for her, I guess the day just got on top of me. It's not as easy as I was hoping it would be, to have everyone else have babies around me now, even the people I love most...

Today I am not crying over the things I will never have with Lily, or the things I will miss (first steps, feeding etc), it is purely about just not having her at all, she is just not here where she should be.

Yeah, today it hurts!

Sarah.

29 April 2011

Another good day... been a good week really... as I said a couple of days ago, I have been a bit more emotional again but it is emotions that are not over powering and are ones I can understand... like being sad at very random times...

Managed to go in to work twice today without any issues :D Once even with a very large group of people there! And while I have come home tonight tired and with a pounding head, I guess I showed myself that I can do it and it is not that big of an issue!

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ My midwife... she's amazing! She had had to put up with me and answering the same silly question/s that I felt the need to repeat when I had little freak out moments! I love my midwife (that sounds a little weird... or more than a little!) and I am very thankful for her :) ~*~

And my positive...
~*~ Going for a nice long walk with Kim and Lachy :) I really am starting to miss both child and adult interactions! Never thought I would say it, but I actually miss interacting with people! Sitting at home by myself day after day isn't as exciting as it sounds! :P It's actually kind of lonely and is not nice if you are feeling sad or just down... :) ~*~

Sarah.

28 April 2011

Well despite the lack of sleep (why have I gone back to not sleeping?) and a throbbing head today has been another good day... haven't achieved much really, but hey, that's ok! Saw some more lovely people, and ate some yummy food :)

My birthday is on Tuesday... and it is a hard one for me as I never thought I would get to 26 and not have any kids to raise... yes I have a daughter, but she isn't here for me to raise... when i got pregnant with Lily I thought God was kind of being a bit funny, waiting until very close to when I wanted to have started having children by before giving me one... she was due under a month before my 26th birthday... but it's not so funny now, reaching my birthday without my baby. :( People have been asking me what I want for my birthday and I always want to reply "Lily"... This year there isn't things that I can think of that I want... except my little girl. She is all that fills my head when people ask!

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ A lovely, unexpected gift that turned up in the mail! Thank you! ~*~

And a positive thing from today...
~*~ A coffee date with Rachel... feels like I haven't seen her for ages! Was good to catch up! ~*~

Sarah.

27 April 2011

The only way I can describe today in comparison to the last week is "fantastic". Went in to work this morning and it was good... no panic attacks, a little anxiety on my way there but not enough to make me turn around and come home, and once I got there I was ok :) Helped by invading one wonderful lady's morning tea break (thanks Caroline) and then talking to another amazing lady (thanks Jayne :D). I am really lucky to work with such amazing people!

I will admit to being a little bit emotional today though, but I was able to control it... it wasn't over powering emotions. It was just enough to rattle me a bit and when other things in the day didn't happen as I expected, I got a bit emotional... but nothing a bit of knitting and a walk didn't help!

So today I am thankful for...
~*~ All the incredible people I work with! ~*~

And my positive thing that happened today...
~*~ Going in to work with a good result!!! ~*~

Sarah. :D

26 April 2011

Well my day today started at 5.30am when Luke woke with really bad abdomen pain... we ended up in Emergency at the hospital where it was discovered that Luke has another kidney stone... poor thing! So he has some good pain medication and the good news is we were only in emergency for just over 2 hours! That must be a record for them surely? They were very good!

Then the owner of the funeral home that we had used for Lily's funeral rang Luke's mum (she was their point of contact really) and said that he felt God had told him to waive their fees for her funeral... which is about a $1000 cost, so through them all that needs to be paid is for the casket and the cross marker... there is still the burial plot and that but that is through the Hamilton City Council... so that was a huge surprise and a massive blessing! Our God is gooooooood! I find it interesting that Lily was obviously still on his mind... we haven't had any contact with the funeral home for weeks now, it's not like we were ringing them or had just spoken to them, it was out of the blue!

I was also lucky enough to have two coffee dates today! Neither of them were planned until this morning! This mornings one was with my mum and Jen and then this afternoon with Sumi... all amazing women and it's great to spend time with them!

And I even managed to go shopping by myself today too! Well it was only to spotlight to get some more wool for knitting (baby pink was getting a little boring)... but I managed it without any freaking out... small things huh? Tomorrow I am going in to work to drop off some papers... it may only be a short visit depending on how I go, but small steps... the whole work freak out situation is something I do need to get under control so I can go back to work! I love my job, I aint giving that up!!!! So wish me luck :)

Anyway, today I am thankful for...
~*~ The blessing we received in regards to the funeral costs! AMAZING! ~*~

And my positive for today...
~*~ Being able to go to spotlight by myself! Best foot forward today! ~*~

Sarah. :)

25 April 2011

It has been another 'good' day today, at home with my awesome hubby watching some DVD's. It was good, I guess I needed to hide away some of this weekend. I don't know why, it is just how I have felt... however, now I need to get out of the house tomorrow I think. I wonder if that is because I know tomorrow I will be alone, with going Luke to work...
I really don't understand some of this roller coaster ride! But parts are starting to feel easier... doesn't mean I am forgetting, or even that things don't effect me, I think it just means I am finding ways to get through it moment by moment... for example, my heart still aches when I see a little baby... for that matter with pretty much any child up to 3 it instantly hurts, with children older than that it creates thoughts that begin to hurt, the thoughts of "Lily won't ever do......" etc, but with the little ones it just hurts not to have Lily, or when I see a heavily pregnant person, my heart hurts, but I no longer want to break down where I am. However, the turmoil of emotion I may not be showing on the outside, is still happening on the inside, my heart breaks and my heart cries, but physically I can continue on. I guess that is why people can say to me "you are looking good" when I am feeling absolutely terrible!

I know that this is not something that I will ever "get over" and I don't want to get over my precious gift, but I guess I am learning ways to just keep putting one foot in front of the other even when it hurts. Allowing myself to feel but not allowing the feeling to take me over... does that makes sense? I am sure there are bound to be days where that doesn't work, where things and feelings do get the better of me, but I hope those days become less and less as I learn coping tactics and strategies... I really hope that doesn't sound cold hearted... because it's not, I will forever love and miss my baby girl terribly, she will always be a part of me, and a part of my life...

We had so much fun with her! She brought us joy, love, excitement, happiness... there is no way that the 8 months we got to spend with her will ever be forgotten! But I hope the deep grief of this time will soon be outweighed by the feelings of joy, love, fun, excitement and happiness that we had with her.

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ Being loved, and being able to love! ~*~

And my positive thing from today...
~*~ Talking to my brother and sister-in-law on Skype who are currently in Scotland... man I miss you guys! ~*~

And by the way, just in case you missed it or I never said it... the reason I do the "today I am thankful for..." is because I think it can be easy to get lost in these sad feelings which are so intense and forget that there is much to be thankful for... there is a song that says "in the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed" and while I don't believe the 'mess' I am in at the moment is little, I don't want to forget that I am also extremely blessed! Even in having Lily for as long as we did, we are blessed!
And the "positive thing from today" is to remind myself that no matter how bad the day was/is, something positive had to have happened at some point... the person who suggested it to me said that for her sometimes the positive thing was "only crying for half an hour today"... it doesn't have to be big things, but there has always been something positive if I look hard enough!

Sarah.

24 April 2011

The photo is of Lily with her Granny Jen and Granny Sue :)

Well other than an insistent headache (that I should stop complaining about and actually try to fix), today has been a good day. Back to feelings that I can understand and make sense of!

So instead of having some long blog today... here is a poem I found on the internet and then edited so it said what I wanted it to!

Even though it has not been long
since you left my arms where you belong,
people keep saying “time will heal...”
but not having you here doesn’t seem real.
You are my baby, my very first one
and with your short life, I wasn’t done
with all the things I wanted to do
and all of life’s treasures I wanted for you.

I can’t stop thinking “What would I do
If I had another minute to say I love you?”
How would I fill that moment I long of
Except with words conveying my love
The time with you was short and sweet
But you really were a special treat!
I am thankful you can not feel pain
and I know one day we will meet again.
So for this time while we’re apart
I’ll hold you here, in my heart

Lord – my strength is ebbing from yesterday
please fill my cup of strength for today.
Show me the way I have to climb
and Lord, help me to take one day at a time.

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ DVD days! ~*~

And the positive from the day...
~*~ A lovely visit from some friends we don't see often enough! Thanks for the visit Jen and Nico! ~*~

Sarah.

23 April 2011

Well today for some absolutely ridiculous reason, I managed to work myself up into such a panicked/anxious state that I couldn't go to the Warehouse by myself... what a stupid feeling! I had to go to the Warehouse and at the thought I for some reason became almost nervous (so hard to describe these feelings sometimes!), but like I kept saying, one foot in front of the other right? So I put on my shoes and walked out the door to the car, but by the time I had left the drive way there was just no way I was going to the Warehouse... this is stupid and unreasonable and I have had enough of feeling this way! It cannot be normal! Its the sort of feeling (but much more intense) that I get when I am being assessed or watched, or when I sat exams...

So its been a bit of an intense day feeling wise... after I drove back in my drive and came inside the main feeling became frustration at these ridiculous and unnecessary feelings!

Well after writing that I finished the day on a good note... went to my Dads for dinner :) Yum!

But ultimately today, I just want to hold my baby and tell her she's beautiful and try to explain to her just how much I love her! Instead I smile at the same time as tears run down my face, because something that makes me so extremely happy, also makes me so extremely sad... my baby girl brought great joy to my life! I loved the time I got to spend with her and getting to know her. But having to say goodbye to her is the greatest pain I have ever felt. But I will say it again, it was worth it, and I wouldn't do it any differently, she was worth everything!

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ Having a home to hide away in when I want/need to! ~*~

And my positive for the day... I have 2...
~*~ Dinner at dads ~*~
~*~ A beautiful piece that my mum wrote about Lily... made me cry but it's lovely! Maybe she will let me share it with you later... ~*~

Sarah.

22 April 2011 - Easter Friday

So... Easter... hows that working for ya?

Dear God, since Lily is spending Easter with you and because I can’t, will you please give her an EXTRA snuggle and kiss for me today and remind her that her mummy loves her and misses her!

For my family it is a time to get together really, and I have found it a little hard already not having Lily there to share it with us... I mean sure she would have been too young to be having Easter egg hunts or photos of her smothered in chocolate.. but it is just a reminder that we never will! Yes I agree, Easter isn't all about chocolate... but with kids holidays like Easter are just EXTRA exciting! And I was really looking forward to sharing that with my baby girl... and I can't, and I never will with Lily... People warned me that holidays would be hard, and that is proving true today. People also warned that about the 6 weekish mark was hard too... and I am finding that too... well its been 5 weeks.

I dont understand how I feel anymore. I could understand the sadness and the loss at the beginning, and I still understand those feelings now... I can understand the physical pain of my heart breaking, even though I wasn't expecting it to be such a physical pain... I can even understand being happy one minute and extremely sad the next... but I never expected it to effect EVERY aspect of my life... I never expected the anxiety, the panic, the fear, the uncertainty of every day things... I never expected to look at a group of children and just panic... I never expected to become anxious when I just thought about going back to work... These sorts of things seem completely irrelevant to what happened... why would a bunch of kids scare me now? Why do I suddenly not even know how to greet them, let alone what to do with them? Why do I get anxious just thinking of going to the supermarket? I don't know why... It can't be the thought of seeing people and talking to them, we have been so open that most people know the joy of Lily and the sadness that is our loss... and even if they don't, I am still ok to talk about it! But some days every thing seems to be such a mission... some days it is actually all about putting one foot in front of the other, both metaphorically and actually physically... but it can be such a battle... why?

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ My awesome family! I have a fantastic family... they are all just so crazy and fun to be around! ~*~

My positive thing of the day...
~*~ In 5 hours I managed to knit 2 very cute booties (the same as the little pink one in the photo I put up yesterday) for my aunty who is about to have a baby girl in the next 3-4 weeks... yes it took me 5 hours... but I am only a beginner and I don't think I did too badly! I was very happy with how they turned out... now if I was being paid even minimum wage... those booties are worth more than $60!!! Shesh maybe I should start selling them... anyone want $60 booties? hahaha ~*~

Happy Easter everyone... if you are traveling... please stay safe!

Sarah. :)

21 April 2011

Well today was a busy day which was nice. Started out a little 'rough'. Went in to work for the Easter bunny and Easter egg hunt... Before I left (and I was meeting some lovely ladies for a coffee/hot chocolate first so this went on for awhile!) I could feel myself kind of getting anxious... stomach churning, chest tightening, head pounding, chewing my lip... I am not sure how I actually made it out to Cambridge! Pure determination possibly, I just kept telling myself that it was ridiculous, I was being silly... I love my job and there is nothing to be anxious about... not sure how well this worked but just continuing to put one foot in front of the other appeared to work and got me through... in regards to the kids and still this feeling of "I don't know what to do with you, or for you... I don't know what you want!" all I could tell myself was "when all else fails, smile and wave" and I think that satisfied most the kids and me... I think it helps that I love my job, and normally I am good at my job (I think...?)... I just keep reminding myself that this is just a temporary panic, it will pass.... when I am ready to go back to work I will be fine... right? I really hope so! I don't understand these feelings, or why I am feeling them! They have nothing to do with Lily, they have nothing to do with the sadness about loosing her and missing out on so much... it seems like a strange reaction to be having... I don't know...

Luke and I are going to go to grief counseling like it has been suggested... maybe they can tell me I am normal (yeah right... me... normal! :D)...

So today I am thankful for...
~*~ My mum, she's such an amazing woman and a real inspiration to me! I love her tremendously! ~*~

And my positive thing for the day...
~*~ Knitting... yip... the photo above is of the booties I have knitted in the last 3 days... these are the first EVER booties I have knitted and I don't think I have done too badly! My fave is the Mary Jane type one on the left :D (sorry pic is a little blurry!) ~*~

Have a great Easter everyone! I am looking forward to lots of time with family!

Sarah :)

20 April 2011

Well my day got better when Luke came home and surprised me with our rings :) I was expecting to get them tomorrow but he had picked them up today, and they look just like I remembered them. The rings I am talking about is the ones we got to wear in like remembrance of our gorgeous daughter, Lily... we looked around all the jewelery shops we know and visited each one like 3 times until we found rings that we looked at and loved... I don't think the photo of mine does it justice, I love it (click here to see Lukes). It is engraved with "Lily Tyne 17.3.2011". It has 3 stones, the sapphire in the middle represents my perfect baby girl our lovely Lily, and the diamonds either side represent me and Luke :) I will never forget my baby girl, that's not why I got the ring, but it is a physical symbol that I will always have on me.

So that made my day 100% better. Before that, quite honestly I was having a sit at home feeling blah day. The highlight was a guy coming round trying to get us to change our electricity provider (we changed)... sad day huh? For no particular reason I was feeling miserable all day really. Am looking forward to tomorrow and getting out of the house :) Its funny how some days I can want to hide away in my house and not leave it and not see people (and be perfectly happy doing so) and other days being at home and not seeing people is depressing! Oh what a horrible emotional roller coaster I am riding! I have never been a fan of roller coasters...

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ The person who created maltesers... thank you! ~*~

And the positive from today...
~*~ Getting my ring! ~*~

I am looking forward to some Easter entertainment tomorrow :D

Sarah.

19 April 2011

Today I really wished I could see Lily again... what if I forget her face because I never memorised it? I guess at the moment I am missing the NOW I should have with Lily... sure I still see lots of things that I will miss with her in the future, but today, and the last couple of days I have really been missing the now, the feeding, the cuddles, the changing, the midnight wake ups... even the crying... I am missing being able to talk to her, sing to her, give her cuddles and kisses. I am missing the now.

One of the purposes of this blog, while it is a great vent for me, and for others to read and lots of stuff, but also I think things like baby loss is often hidden away, or quickly forgotten about, swept under the rug, I hope that reading this blog, where I have been very honest with what I am feeling and what is going on for me/us, people will begin to understand some of what it is like to lose a baby. In all honesty, before Lily, I never could even begin to understand what someone might be going through! And one thing I have found important to know is that these types of feelings and thoughts are "normal".

Every situation is different, people are different, but if you know someone who goes through this in the future, just be there for them. They may not want to talk, or they might. But hopefully this blog has given you some idea of what they could be thinking/feeling, whether they tell you or not. And whether they look terrible or fantastic... there could be a lot going on under the surface!

And my advice, if you do ever find yourself in a situation where you do lose your baby, be honest, tell people (if you can). We have been very open right from the beginning and I have never regretted it! I think if you give people the chance to support you through hard times, you will find most people do! People don't always know what to say and do, but given the chance, most people want to help!

Well that is my rant for the day...

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ My inlaws! I am lucky to have married into an amazing (and crazy!) family! No monster inlaws here! ~*~

And the positive for today...
~*~ Caroline... yip shes my positive thing for the day! Comes round for a catch up tonight and brings dinner! YUM! A totally amazing woman! Thank you! ~*~

Anyway... if you wanna check out Luke's blog... just click *here*

Sarah.

18 April 2011

Today I found myself wanting to hide away at home, I don't know why, but the thought of seeing people was too much for me. I don't know why, it just was... we had to go to the super market to do groceries and I just wanted to stay home so I didn't have to see anyone... I'm going to hope it was just a funny mood day that won't be repeated too often! I know there is no reason to feel this way, what could happen? even if we saw someone we knew that for some reason didn't know we had lost Lily, it's not like it is a secret, we are fairly open with it... or if I met someone who did know and stopped to chat... so what? talking about Lily doesn't scare me! I love it! Sadly for others I am sure the stories I tell will grow old, but they are the only stories I will ever have about my Lily!

But yes, that is how I felt today... logically it doesn't make sense, and even I know that!

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ photos! Where would we be without them? ~*~

And my positive for today...
~*~ Sorting out our spare room which had turned into a junk room that couldn't even fit a bed... anyone who had seen it will be impressed that it now fits a single bed! ~*~

17 April 2011

1 month... yip a whole month has gone since Lily slid into this world!

I wish I had held Lily more while I had her. I wish I could hold her again now. I wish I had kissed her more. I wish I could give her one more kiss... or even 100 more. I wish I could bath her again, dress her in a cute dress or something snuggly and warm.
I wish I had put her in her bassinet while she was at home, rather than a casket. Yes it was only her body, but her body was all we had.
I wish I could see her again, memorize her face, stroke her hair.

There are many things I wish I could do just once more... but I think no matter how many "once more"s I had, I would always want "one more". There would never be enough. There is never a good time to have to say goodbye to your child. So instead I am thankful for the time I DID have with Lily. She was born alive, I held her while she took breaths, together Luke and I welcomed her into the world (with shock!) and surrounded her with love and happiness while she experienced the world for the first and last times.

Today I realised how many pregnant people I know! Especially those due in the next couple of months! There are just so many! And my pain when I see them is no longer "I wish I was still pregnant", but is now "You are about to have what I should have" and also this fear for them... unfortunately now that we have been through loosing our baby girl, I know it happens, and so this fear has kind of come, that things could go wrong. Who know what I will be like if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again in the future!

Today I am stealing my thankfulness from Luke's page... I am thankful for...
~*~ Our church family! The support we have received these past few months and continue to receive from our church is amazing and I am extremely thankful for it! ~*~

My positive thing for today...
~*~ Seeing Jake Hamilton live at church! AWESOME! ~*~

I hope the week ahead for you all is fantastic!
Sarah.

16 April 2011

I was listening to a song today called "anthem" by Jake Hamilton, I haven't listened to this song in a very long time and it is one of my faves! Its got some amazing lyrics in it, it had me in tears as I was listening to the part that goes "He's calling, wake up child, it's your turn to shine, you were born for such a time as this", and "I am royalty, I have destiny, I have been set free, I'm going to shape history" and I got this beautiful picture of our baby girl sleeping and God calling to her "Wake up baby, check out how your life shone and continues to shine, look at the lives you affected! You were created for more than this, but you were born for this moment."

I believe Lily was created with a destiny, that God had an awesome plan for her life, and the plan wasn't for her die but while I can't understand why God didn't step in and preform the miracle we were asking for, God was able to use a sucky situation to achieve some good stuff... I don't believe God was the cause of Lily's problems, and I believe the footprints Lily left behind in this world are much bigger than any her physical feet could have ever made!

I believe God loves Lily even more than I do, and more than I could even imagine!
I believe Lily is in Heaven, where she is being cared for by Angels!
I believe one day, when my life is over, she will be waiting for me!
I believe my baby girl is whole and without pain.
I believe my lovely Lily will never know anything but love. The love she had on earth, while incredible and extreme, can't even compare to the love she will be experiencing in Heaven.
I believe in miracles, and eve though we don't always see them, they are always happening!
I believe God's plan wasn't for Lily to die, but He was able to use a sucky situation for good.

As we continue to say, Lily was a blessing, she was loved, cherished and wanted by us, and by many. She changed our lives and I know she changed others, and had an effect on many more! And she did all this in the 8 months she was living inside a human zorb!

Today I am thankful for
~*~ The people I work with and for, not only are they all amazing at their jobs, but they have and are an amazing 'family' to be a part of, for the past months they have been there to celebrate with us and now as a constant source of love and support that I am so incredibly thankful for! ~*~

And my positive for today
~*~ Going to the movies with friends tonight... here's hoping its a good one! ~*~

Sarah. :)

15 April 2011

Today's blog may not make much sense (but then what is new?), I really don't know how to explain how I felt and how I feel... Todays feelings were to me completely shocking and unexpected (they mean the same thing don't they?)...

I went to visit work today and I was fine for about 30 seconds before I actually kind of wanted to run away and hide! Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job and can't imagine doing anything different! But these children were looking at me like they were expecting something, but I had no idea what they wanted, I didn't know what I could give them, I didn't know what to do with them! Physically my body got tense, my chest got tight and I had to remember to breath and force myself to move... Why is something that I have been doing 5 days a week for the last 2 years suddenly a cause for panic? How is it that I have completely forgotten how to do my job, how to even simply interact with the kids? I was prepared to go in and be reminded of what I have lost by seeing things that Lily won't be doing, but I didn't even get a chance to feel that... instead I seemed to be taken over with panic and a complete loss of mind! eek

I wish my body would hurry up and finish with the whole healing from the pregnancy thing! Then I can stop worrying and freaking out at silly but strange things... (yeah that may not make sense to anyone but me!)

Anyway so today I am thankful for...
~*~ An amazingly talented woman who painted a beautiful picture of Lily! Thank you! ~*~

And my positive thing from today...
~*~ A delicious hot chocolate with some pretty fantastic people! (Thanks Jo and Craig) ~*~

Sarah.

14 April 2011

Well it has been 4 weeks today since our lovely Lily shocked us all with her appearance! Already it seems like so long ago and yet still only yesterday... if that makes sense! Every day I am reminded of something I am going to miss out on with Lily - no firsts... no first taste of chocolate (that would have been given to her by her dad I am sure!), no first ice cream, no first tooth, no first steps, no first smile... oh I wish I could see her smile! No giggles, no absolutely hilarious laughter... oh I just wish I could see her smile!

Had a fantastic day today catching up with Kim and her little boy Lachy... Lachy is at such a fun age! Cheeky, charming, funny (extremely funny!), trouble with a capital T! :D Such a great source of entertainment and laughter! Even got a couple of cuddles! I had great fun! And catching up with Kim was fantastic too! Thanks for putting up with me for the day!

It did make me miss Lily in few more ways! Wondering what she would have been like in 9 months (real trouble if she takes after her dad I'm sure!)... wonder what she would have looked like (they change so much!). But it's ok (in a sense!), I still had a great time with with Kim and Lachy and these 'wonderings' didn't ruin it... they are just 'wonderings'... I still love kids and being with and around them... even if it is sometimes a little hard! Eventually I am going to have to go back to my job (which i LOVE!) with 30 odd children reminding me off different things I will miss with Lily on a daily basis! And eventually, that will be ok... if that makes sense...

Anyway, possibly none of that made sense, so in summary... I wish I could see my beautiful baby girl smile and hear her laugh... and I had a fantastic day hanging out with Kim and Lachy :D

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ having a sore toe... because it means that I have toes that can be sore (I can feel them) because I squeezed them into shoes (that I had enough money to buy) and went for a long walk yesterday (on perfectly working legs). ~*~

My positive thing for today...
~*~ Obviously spending the day with Kim and Lachy ~*~
but number 2...
~*~ A yummy roast chicken dinner with my mummy, Jen and my baby sister Madz (and Luke) where we talked lots about Lily and I was reminded again how loved our baby girl was by other people and not just me and Luke :) ~*~

Sarah.

13 April 2011

The photo is just a couple of my favourite newborn sized outfits that Lily should be wearing now (trust me there is A LOT more!)...

When I got pregnant, one of my plans was that after I had my baby I would start walking... as in go for a walk each day... so I have started doing this and have gone for a walk each day... a couple of times I have managed to drag Luke along with me but mostly I take my ipod and go by myself... like the good girl I am (yeah right!) Anyway, that is not the point... today I went for my walk and everywhere I looked there was someone else walking and 90% of the time they were pushing a push chair and it just felt like the world was trying to remind me of the fact that I was missing a very important walking accessory... just incase I had forgotten! Well trust me world... I haven't forgotten that I am missing a big piece of myself, I haven't forgotten that I can't show my baby the beauty of this world, I haven't forgotten that I can no longer hold her in my arms and sing to her, or even feed her. Trust me, I haven't forgotten!

Maybe it was the time of day I went for a walk, or the fact that it was twice as long as my walks normally are (70mins mostly uphill = sore feet!), but every mum in Silverdale and their baby/toddler was out today!

I guess there are always going to be times when it feels like the world throws it all back in your face just incase you dare to forget... I don't hate other mothers, I don't, but I am jealous of them, I do envy them! I don't send bad thoughts their way, I don't even wish they knew what I was feeling, I hope they never know, and they never experience it, I just hope they know how lucky they are (most parents do) and that they love their children with even just a portion of the love that Lily is loved. Hopefully one day I will have all these things with another baby, but I will never have it with Lily, that is what hurts! Lily can never be replaced! She will always be our first born and a special, unique person, no future baby will ever be able to take her place.

So today I am thankful for...
~*~ People who work in cafes and make good hot chocolates! ~*~

And my positive thing for today...
~*~ My spontaneous cafe date with Jayne and Vikki and their lovely kiddies :D I love spending time with you guys! ~*~

Sarah :)

12 April 2011 - Lily's due date

Well Lily's due date has now come and (almost) gone without being eventful... which is actually what we expected right from the beginning... except we presumed she would still be wiggling away inside me still... we never expected her to arrive on her due date, but we sure didn't expect her to be early! So today we took some flowers out to her grave and put them in a vase... ignoring the signs saying "no glass, ceramics... etc etc"... ops!

One thing I did realise today, Lily would be big enough now, or at least almost, to fit the clothes (well some of them) that we had bought for her... I'm sad that I never got to dress her in anything I had bought for her... sure she was dressed in a very cute little outfit to leave us, but I have so many pieces of clothing I want to dress her in... so many things she will never wear...

I wondered today whether she would have liked beads and jewels when she got a bit older... would she like getting her hands dirty? So many experiences, so many fun times I will never get to have with her... I will never sing to her, or with her as we travel in the car (like me and my mum used to), I'll never change her nappy (though she did manage to pee on me!). Yesterday we went to the Dr. Seuss exhibit at the museum... I like Dr. Seuss! And I will never get to read his books to Lily :( One of my favourite quotes is by Dr. Seuss at the moment, from Horton Hears a Who and it says "A person's a person, no matter how small"... I think the world sometimes forget that babies are people, and to loose one, is loosing a whole life! You're not loosing "just a baby"!

There is so much I will never get to know about Lily... well not never! I will see her again, and there will be an eternity to get to know her and to play and run and get messy (that might just be for me... I like messy play!). I look forward to it! My baby belongs in my arms... and one day she will be!

Another Dr. Seuss quote that I like at the moment (but it seems there is some dispute whether it is from Dr. Seuss or not...) is "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"... Yes I will continue to cry at times, but now, the smiles because it happened are out numbering the tears because its over... :)

Ok so today I am thankful for
~*~ A healthy body, well once all the healing finishes! ~*~

And my positive thing for today...
~*~ My coffee/cafe date with Michelle! I am loving these cafe/coffee dates with people (who would believe it!), and they are actually really helping me at the moment... just so all of you who have given your time to have a coffee/hot chocolate/cake etc with me, know that i really appreciate it! ~*~

Sarah.

11 April 2011

Well these past 9 months have been the hardest months of my life! But you know what, they were also some of the best! Yes they have been filled with an intense pain that no one should ever have to feel... but more importantly they were filled with such extreme joy and love! So much happiness! And not just from us and not just for Lily! There was a lot of love from many, many people! And many people loved Lily (she was pretty loveable) but the love Luke and I have been shown over this time has been amazing! We both come from amazing families, but other families have popped up too like church family and work family... and others!

I remember when I first took the pregnancy test... I was home alone as Luke was at work, and I wasn't getting my hopes up, we had been trying for what seemed like a very long time (a year - I know others have tried for longer, but each month is very long when your in it!) and every month that it didn't happen was really hard, but this time, this extra line showed up on the test! I was so shocked I started to cry in happiness, but then couldn't quite believe it so did another 2 tests! Each one came back positive (it's amazing how quickly you can go toilet again if you want to!)! I literally fell to my knees and cried! It was an amazing feeling, my heart grew and I INSTANTLY fell in love with my baby! I was only 4 weeks 3 days pregnant at that stage... and I read that my baby would be the size of a poppy seed, so we nicknamed our growing baby Poppy. Every day my love for my baby grew! As did my hopes and dreams for my baby. Even when we thought we may have lost her early on, we continued to celebrate our baby and my love just kept on growing. For those first 16 weeks after we found out, until our 20 week scan I spent days wondering what our baby would be (girl or boy), what it would look like, who it would look like, what we would name it, what would it grow up to be... we started to get to know our baby's personality, by listening to the heartbeat and movements with a doppler, watching the first scans and then the movements started! They were so much fun for me... unfortunately Luke couldn't feel them yet.

Then our 20 week scan showed clearly that we were having a little girl and I fell even more in love with my baby! Now I was having a girl... I bought a lot of pink things for her! But I started to wonder... when she was old enough to choose, would she even like pink? would she want her hair long or short? Would she let me do her hair or scream every time like I know other little girls do? Would she love to sing and dance like I did when I was little? Or would she be sporty? Would she love books? Would she be a little drama queen like her daddy (by that I mean being into drama things... not that Luke's a drama queen...)? Or would she be musical (I don't know what we would do with a musical child! Neither of us are musically gifted!). They threw a lot of information at us that day... half a heart, holes, extra toes (yeah right!), but all I heard... GIRL! Not that a boy wouldn't have been just as exciting! It was just so cool to know! They told us a lot of stuff that day... yes I understood they were telling us there were massive complications... but when they asked if we had any questions... do you know the only one question I asked "how sure are you it's a girl?" hahaha

The next 16 or so weeks were filled with MANY scans and a lot of bad news... but each scan was so exciting for me, because no matter what they were going to tell me, I was going to see my baby girl again! I'm sure the scan people thought we were in denial as we would watch the screen and laugh and talk about Lily like there was nothing wrong while all the while they were waiting to tell us that things were getting worse. But I LOVED watching her and I wasn't going to let what they were going to tell me ruin these times!

Yes there were complications, but that didn't stop my love for our beautiful Lily growing! I didn't stop loving her when we learned of her "imperfections", my love still continued to grow every day, I still wondered, I still dreamed big dreams for our baby girl!

If I could go back in time, would I change it? No, I wouldn't. Of course there is NOTHING I wouldn't have given for my baby girl to be born well and whole and still be with us... I would have given her my heart if I could... but even though there is an intense pain now, I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't do things differently... even though Lily isn't with us, it was all worth it! It was totally worth it! I would much rather have Lily as she was with all her 'imperfections' than not have her at all! She was, is, and always will by, my gorgeous, first born, daughter!

Yes I still grieve for my baby girl and I wish she was still with us, but I wouldn't change her for anything! I wouldn't give her up! She was worth the time we carried her, she was worth the heartburn, she was worth not being able to eat some foods, she was worth the tiredness, she was worth everything we put into that pregnancy!

So today I am thankful for...
~*~ Love! Amazing, incredible, love! ~*~

And my positive thing for today...
~*~ Going to see the Dr Seuss exhibit at the museum... fun! ~*~

10 April 2011

Today I had lunch with my mummy and Jen... I love them so much! Such amazing women! It was great to sit down and talk about Lily and how she was so loved... she really is one lucky little girl! She has so many people that love her even now when she is not with us... she is special to a lot of people. It is sad to think that some children never get to see even a small portion of that love through their whole lives, and yet Lily had a short life but was so surrounded by love!

Ok today I have some advice that I hope no one ever needs... but just in case I want to give it... if you are ever find that you know someone who loses their baby (or are in the situation yourself) then know that what you are told happens, does not necessarily mean that is what HAS to happen, ask questions and fight, what matters is what you want, not what is easiest for them! We were told by the funeral person who came to the hospital that because she was too small to embalm, we had to hand Lily over to him, he would take her to the funeral home and put her in a casket and close it, there was nothing they could do and she would deteriorate quickly... we could then take the closed casket home if we wished... but we wanted to take our little girl home, and were even willing to just take her home and close the casket at home, but he was not willing to do so (WHO would even attempt to take a baby from her mothers arms... I would dare him to try... he wasn't getting her). In the end thankfully our mums were there and fought for us, and you know what, there was something they could do... in the end the guy we met decided that he would take Lily to the funeral home, we could meet him there and talk to the senior embalmer... (again, try to take my baby... I dare you...). We agreed to meet with the embalmer but we would take Lily with us... Note now... YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TRANSPORT YOUR BABY YOURSELF! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO WHAT THEY THINK IS BEST! And so we left the hospital with our baby girl and met him at the funeral home where we saw the senior embalmer who redeemed the funeral home (we were NOT happy with the person we had been dealing with)! She gave us two options - #1 we could take Lily home and we would have to put her in her casket and close the lid that evening (which was ALL we were asking for in the first place!) or #2 we could leave Lily with her over night, she would do a couple of things (something about chilling her) and we could pick her up the next morning and we should be able to have her in an open casket ALL of the next day and all going well through the night and into the next day.

One of the hardest things I have had to do was leave my baby girl there... harder than you can imagine! Just hours after giving birth to her, although it was only her body by then, it was hard to leave her... but that is what we did, and it meant that we picked her up at 9.30 the next morning and took her home where she was able to be in an open casket ALL DAY, through the night and we closed it just before leaving for the funeral... my point again is, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THINGS THEIR WAY! If you know someone in a similar situation, try to make sure they know that they can do things differently if they want to, and try to make sure there is someone with them to fight for them if they want/need it, without our mums being there to do it, I think I would have just ended up walking out with my baby girl and nothing would have been solved.

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ Our parents, between us we have 6 parents and each and every one is AMAZING! We are extremely lucky and blessed to have such awesome parents! ~*~
~*~ My husband (man I have an awesome family!). He is an incredible strength for me, even in this time of his own pain. ~*~

And my positive for the day...
~*~ Having lunch with mum and Jen :) I am so lucky to have such amazing people in my life! ~*~

Sarah.

P.S. Someone recommended getting a massage to try and help get rid of this very insistent headache... so anyone know anywhere/anyone good?

Saturday 9 April 2011

Today was a a good day with a few difficult periods. One of them being writing the letter of complaint to the hospital. While that day was the day I got to meet my baby girl and I love that, there were also things that went wrong and if these are not addressed, they will never be dealt with. Things that should have been done differently. They wouldn't have changed the outcome but , I understand that but things like forgetting to give me the anti-d injection (fairly important!)... Until I thought about it and asked my LMC who followed it up with the hospital. It just wasn't easy to relive the harder parts... but I need to do it, and I need to do it soon before I forget!

But I made it through... no where near finished the letter (they not that easy to write!). But then spent the afternoon with my laptop that drove me CRAZY! Why don't computers just do what you want them to do, when you want them to do it...! Was trying to finish the website, but it really wsn't working! (and even now the computer is lagging behind, taking 3 times as long as I am to type this!). So instead for the moment I have added pages to this blog, just at the top of the page called "pregnancy" etc with the stories incase you want to read about them...

Anyway... today I am thankful for
~*~ Technology (yip even after today) Without it I would not get the messages of love and support that people send! And without technology how would I keep in contact with anyone to make coffee dates? ~*~

My positive for today...
~*~ Talking to Nige and Shiro (brother and sister in law) via Skype... haven't done it for awhile... I miss you guys! ~*~

Sarah :)

Friday 8 April 2011

Well it has been 3 weeks since Lily came and went... wonder why I am not over it yet? Because I lost not only a baby, but a toddler, a preschooler, a young child, a pre teen, a teenager, a young adult, an adult... I didn't just lose my baby! We lost a whole life, a life time of joy, challenges, events, laughter... an entire life went with Lily when she went to heaven...

But this pain only lasts for this lifetime, one day I will see my baby girl again, and she is whole, without pain, and she lived her whole life on earth surrounded by such extreme love... she knew nothing but love!

I am coming to learn that this pain will never go, it will always be around, you just learn how to cope with it... and the days are getting easier... sure there are still ups and downs, but I don't spend whole days crying, just small pockets of time, I still miss her beyond understanding, and we haven't forgotten her, rather we have learned to incorporate her into our every day lives already. We still talk about her, it is great to remind each other of what she gave us, and the time we did have with her, and how we got to know our beautiful baby before we had even seen her face. And having other people talk about her too... I have said it before and I will say it again, don't be afraid to talk with us about her! We love to talk about her, just like any parent loves to talk about their children! I love the quote in a book I am reading that says "I don't understand why everyone is so intent on me 'getting over' my child's death in a world where people want to clone their faithful pet"...

I love having Lily's photos up on our wall in the lounge and also on my phone, because every time I look at it, while there is always a hint of the sadness, I can't help but smile and remember the baby girl we got to know and the joy and laughter we had with her, and still have when we talk about her... such a big personality in a small body!

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ An amazing husband! He is an amazing man who I love very much! He is incredible and together we seem to make cute babies! ~*~

And a positive thing from today...
~*~ I finished my jigsaw puzzle! (now I need another one...) ~*~

Sarah. x

Something I found online....

Dear Mr. Elephant,

It's been3 weeks now since your unexpected arrival, and we think you have overstayed your visit. You see, you take up quite a bit of space in the room. We're afraid you're making some of our friends feel...awkward. Some of them probably don't know what to say to us when you're making such a spectacle of yourself. So if you insist on staying around, you could at least be nice enough to let our friends know:

• It's OK to talk about the elephant. We know he's there too. In fact, if you pretend he's not there, it may make things even more awkward.
• We realize the sheer size of the elephant alone may cause people to say awkward things. We know, because we have been there at one time or another. If it comes out wrong, we promise to remember it's the thought that counts.
• Once the elephant is addressed, he tends to decrease in size exponentially, and everyone becomes more comfortable.
• We are still the same Sarah and Luke that we were before the elephant arrived. We just happen to have a third wheel now.
• We smile and laugh just like we did before the elephant arrived. Just sometimes with a tear in our eye.
• We still like to have fun and hang out with our friends. And we need your friendship, your encouragement, and opportunities for fellowship now more than ever. A good day with friends trumps a bad day with the elephant every time.

so, Mr. Elephant, we thank you for your cooperation in the matter. But if you continue to hang around much longer, we will have to start charging you rent.

sincerely,

Sarah.

Thursday 7 April 2011

Yay for people is all I can say! Yay for coffee dates, and lunch dates, and pretty much anything dates! They break up these days of sitting at home... they make the days easier too :) So thank you ladies!

Am I a mum? Some people say yes, some people say no... and in the end it is how I feel that will matter, but right now, I don't feel like a mum! My baby girl came and went before I could do anything 'motherly'. I never got to feed her, I never got to soothe her when she cried, or 'fix' her hurts... I never saw her smile and I never will... but, I still have a daughter! Maybe not one I will ever again hold, but she is still my daughter and I love her beyond measure! Am I a mum? There is a children's book that I can't remember the name of but it has always made me feel like crying when I read it, in it it says, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be", and that is true of Lily, so am I now and for always, a mum? Or am I not because I don't have a child to care for, I don't have anyone to call me mum, my baby is being raised by Angels... so am I a mum?

I shouldn't have even met her yet! She should still be booting around inside me making things very uncomfortable! But I would have been thankful for it! I wouldn't have complained (mostly). I would have carried her WEEKS over her due date without complaining! I should be 39 weeks pregnant! I should be preparing to give birth and bring my baby home in a week (or more!)... I should not have had to say goodbye to her already! NO parent should have to say goodbye to their baby! Yes I know this happens, I know other people have been through it too... but no one should have to!

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ My baby girl, no matter the pain I am feeling, I am still thankful for the time I did have with her, for all she brought to our lives! Yes this hurts, but I don't regret it! ~*~

And then a positive for today...
~*~ Eating crispy m&ms... I like them ~*~

Sarah. x

Wednesday 6 April 2011

Just a short entry today as it has been a good day... why? I managed to sleep most of the night last night! Haven't done even close to that since we laid Lily's body to rest. Usually I spend more of the night awake than asleep... but last night, I actually managed to sleep more than I was awake!! Bonus! Here's hoping that continues! Now just to get rid of this CONSTANT head ache!

Today I have two positives... one was actually from yesterday but I will use it today...
~*~ #1 - We found and purchased our rings today we will wear in memory of Lily... Neither of us ended up getting what we originally thought we would want, but have found ones we love... just have to wait for them to be made now! Roll on 2 weeks! (and by the way FANTASTIC service at Showcase Jewellers in centreplace... also known as Gemtime I think...!) ~*~
~*~ #2 - We are extremely grateful to the amazing woman (I won't name you) who turned up with bags of groceries for us yesterday! An amazing blessing that we were not expecting! Thank you SO much! ~*~

Sarah. x

5 April 2011

Well today was a mixed day again... I had a fantastic morning with fantastic ladies! coffee with one (ok hot chocolate with marshmallows for me) and lunch with another... Both I enjoyed very much, so thank you very much ladies!

I have realised one of the reasons why I can blog like this, honest and open, but find it hard to talk to people about how I am feeling... 2 reasons, when someone asks me how I am doing, I don't know if they really, genuinely want to know or are being polite, so I respond the with the conversation enders like "Good thanks", or "I'm doing alright, how are you?"... and the other reason is I don't want to be a burden to anyone with my problems, does that make sense, to anyone? Doesn't mean I don't want to talk about it or anything like that... but I don't want to burden anyone or dump my stuff on people who don't really wanna know... hmmm

Anyway, we saw our awesome midwife this afternoon... It was great to talk to her about stuff... stuff that happened with Lily and she was able to answer some questions and put (some of) my mind at ease... also got to see the hospital notes from everything which has been hard to read as they go right back to when we were referred to the hospital and talks a lot about the "poor prognosis"... which wasn't nice to relive, but also in a way it was good, I could see that what I remember is fairly accurate. Was also funny to read the notes about Lily's very sudden arrival... It says "Delivered by: husband/partner" "Assisted by: [hospital midwife's name]"... I said to Luke that it really should have said "Delivered by: Lily herself.." "Assisted by: her dad"... Not many babies almost deliver themselves!

The very last comment on the hospital notes made me laugh out loud as it is exactly as I remember it happening... the comment says "Baby Lily left with mum and dad while funeral director was talking with myself"... that is so what we did... not sure we were 'meant' to... the funeral director was called back to sign some papers, and we just kept on going... out of the hospital and into our car! :D

Today my positive is the things I am thankful for... and today there are a few...

~*~ I am thankful that I am surrounded by fantastic people who have shown me so much love and support! I have been surrounded by these fantastic people for awhile obviously, but am only just coming to realise just how amazing and fantastic they are... thank you! ~*~
~*~ I am thankful for amazing, knowledgeable friends who can answer my questions that I am too shy or scared to ask the people I probably should ask... ~*~
~*~ I am thankful for an amazing midwife - Ok so Lily arrived before she could even get there... but she is still amazing :) ~*~
~*~ I am thankful for having physical evidence that the medical profession have TERRIBLE handwriting! I HAVE PROOF! ~*~
~*~ I am thankful that even in extreme pain I can look at a photo of my baby girl and smile because she is an extraordinary gift that we were given, and while I wish she could have stuck around, she was perfect, just as she was :) and during the 8 months we had her, she caused us to smile and laugh A LOT! ~*~

So thank you, you amazing people!

Sarah. x

...cute poem...
An Angel in the book of life
wrote down our babies birth,
and whispered as she close the book.....
"Too beautiful for earth."

Remembering the good times

Ok, yes I have already done my post for today, but this one is different! This one is about remembering the good times... its so easy to continue on in the grief and while it has its place... I need to remember the good times too!!

Yes it has been hard and there is so much we are missing now, and going to miss in the future with Lily and I have written about them, but then I read Luke's blog today ( http://lilytynesdad.blogspot.com/ ) and part of his positive for today was about remembering "the amazing time we got to spend with her"... so I was inspired... Here is me remembering the good times!

I have struggled with having a birth that was just so strangely abnormal... but then that was our beautiful girl! She gave us the gift of arriving when no one was there but us, she came with a shock and surprise and spent her life snuggled in the arms of someone who loves her immeasurably, treasures her beyond belief and cherished every moment she was around... (that person was me by the way) and then she spent the time past her life snuggled, cherished and loved by family that were there to see and meet her.

But before that, our Lily kicked and wriggled inside me, responding to touch and to noise, towards the end she would even respond to her name! She showed her personality on the big screen during scans, showing a personality that we came to love, we were able to laugh as she showed a cheekiness that I swear comes from Luke, but while she tried to hide from the "camera" she also gave us some beautiful (scan) photos and even behaved enough to show us she was a girl quite clearly (then confirmed by DNA when we had an amnio).

So yes there is much we will miss about the future, and also about the rest of the pregnancy that we missed, but we had an amazing 8 months with our beautiful daughter that we were blessed with and she was worth EVERY moment! I don't regret carrying her when we were told things weren't good and we turned down a termination... we had 8 months of great joy and fun and IT WAS WORTH IT!!!

Sarah. :D