Monday, April 25, 2011

25 April 2011

It has been another 'good' day today, at home with my awesome hubby watching some DVD's. It was good, I guess I needed to hide away some of this weekend. I don't know why, it is just how I have felt... however, now I need to get out of the house tomorrow I think. I wonder if that is because I know tomorrow I will be alone, with going Luke to work...
I really don't understand some of this roller coaster ride! But parts are starting to feel easier... doesn't mean I am forgetting, or even that things don't effect me, I think it just means I am finding ways to get through it moment by moment... for example, my heart still aches when I see a little baby... for that matter with pretty much any child up to 3 it instantly hurts, with children older than that it creates thoughts that begin to hurt, the thoughts of "Lily won't ever do......" etc, but with the little ones it just hurts not to have Lily, or when I see a heavily pregnant person, my heart hurts, but I no longer want to break down where I am. However, the turmoil of emotion I may not be showing on the outside, is still happening on the inside, my heart breaks and my heart cries, but physically I can continue on. I guess that is why people can say to me "you are looking good" when I am feeling absolutely terrible!

I know that this is not something that I will ever "get over" and I don't want to get over my precious gift, but I guess I am learning ways to just keep putting one foot in front of the other even when it hurts. Allowing myself to feel but not allowing the feeling to take me over... does that makes sense? I am sure there are bound to be days where that doesn't work, where things and feelings do get the better of me, but I hope those days become less and less as I learn coping tactics and strategies... I really hope that doesn't sound cold hearted... because it's not, I will forever love and miss my baby girl terribly, she will always be a part of me, and a part of my life...

We had so much fun with her! She brought us joy, love, excitement, happiness... there is no way that the 8 months we got to spend with her will ever be forgotten! But I hope the deep grief of this time will soon be outweighed by the feelings of joy, love, fun, excitement and happiness that we had with her.

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ Being loved, and being able to love! ~*~

And my positive thing from today...
~*~ Talking to my brother and sister-in-law on Skype who are currently in Scotland... man I miss you guys! ~*~

And by the way, just in case you missed it or I never said it... the reason I do the "today I am thankful for..." is because I think it can be easy to get lost in these sad feelings which are so intense and forget that there is much to be thankful for... there is a song that says "in the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed" and while I don't believe the 'mess' I am in at the moment is little, I don't want to forget that I am also extremely blessed! Even in having Lily for as long as we did, we are blessed!
And the "positive thing from today" is to remind myself that no matter how bad the day was/is, something positive had to have happened at some point... the person who suggested it to me said that for her sometimes the positive thing was "only crying for half an hour today"... it doesn't have to be big things, but there has always been something positive if I look hard enough!

Sarah.