I think being so tired makes me a bit more emotional... naturally I spose! Don't get me wrong, it has been a good day! It is just random things pop up that affect me differently and unexpectedly... got some major snuggles with Ellyce this morning which was lovely, wish I could post a photo of her but since they haven't put any on facebook I better not reveal her to the world first! Lol. But today I got to see her with her eyes open which may sound like an odd thing to say but I haven't been there with her awake before, she is normally asleep. And today it was seeing those beautiful eyes that was hard for me... I guess it is because it reminded me of the fact that Lily never opened hers. I am thankful for the breaths she took as I held her in my arms for cuddles, but she never opened her eyes. That was hard for me today.
There have been a few people recently that have mentioned that they have had miscarriages in the past and they say that they "know that it is not the same", and I agree that it is not the same, but I think in a small sense grieving for Lily is easier, why? Because people expect me to, people can understand (mostly) me grieving for my baby who made it almost full term. My baby who was born alive. But I think people don't have that same understanding for miscarriages... they just expect that you will get over it, and while I believe people can move forward from it, it is similar to our situation in many ways, it is not something you "get over". You lost a baby too like we did! We were fortunate enough to be able to hold ours in our arms, but there are many babies that are lost that their families can't hold. And I think there is an expectation that because your baby wasn't around long, or because you never got to hold them that there isn't a lot to grieve over, not that there is nothing, but the understanding is different, but to me, from the second you know you are pregnant you have a baby, it is another child with a life and you have hopes and dreams for it! Losing a baby through miscarriage, no matter what stage it is at, is to lose a child, a life time of things. I think it is sad that it is often not spoken about or brushed under the carpet! Yes it happens more than you realise, or more than I realised (our doc said 1 in 4 pregnancies end in the first trimester), and yes a lot of people have gone through it, but does that make the pain any less? What is should mean is that the support for when it happens to someone should be massive... crazy massive, instant and amazing! Yes I know there are support groups out there, there are for us as well, but the greatest support we have had are from people who are close to us, people who love and care for us...
I hope that made sense to someone... I am not very good at proofreading my writing! As you may have guessed from other posts... I just type and post... I don't read back over it or edit at all! Lol.
For those of you that are wondering about how the kids are doing that are staying with us... they are amazing kids and are wonderfully behaved (most the time! Lol). The social worker for their case went on holiday for a week so nothing has been happening. We got some funds to get them some clothes, not much but better than nothing. And we have been told that it is unlikely that anything will be sorted or organised for about 8 weeks, after a family group conference etc. Poor kids!
Today I am thankful for...
~*~ Tax refunds... well the donations one anyway! Was just filling ours out today, and we don't give expecting anything back, but I won't complain when the government chooses to give me a third of it back!! Think it will go straight towards Lily's headstone... :) ~*~
And the positive of the day...
~*~ Snuggles with Ellyce.. :) ~*~
P.S - thanks for the comments!