Monday, May 30, 2011

30 May 2011

Please ignore the date on the photo, someones camera was obviously 2 days out! Lily was born on the 17th March!

Today I think I realised how everyone around us has moved on... as you would expect... its just something I am finding hard when I am struggling to move forward myself... and I'm not struggling because I can't move forward... I am struggling because I can... if that makes sense to you then yay you! Every now and again the realisation of everything I lost hits again and I wonder how I can be moving on, how I can be getting on with life and forget about my daughter... its not that I have forgotten HER but my every thought is no longer about her... Yeah I still think of her... but do I think of her enough? What if I think of her less and less and then she is forgotten? 

I don't think people have forgotten Lily, or forgotten about us.. but as everyone moves on, and as we keep moving through life people forget that the pain is still there? Maybe? Or maybe it just seems like it? Or maybe I am just having an emotional night... I mean my pain and my grief isn't so obvious anymore, it isn't as dominant as it was... but it is still there! And we still need that amazing support we were given at the beginning... and I know the support is still there, I do still feel it... I don't really know how to word what I am trying to say... 

Today we FINALLY went to see a grief counsellor (ignore it if that is spelt wrong!)... it was good to talk about Lily again, to be able to tell the stories we have of her... everyone else has heard the stories over and over again, and as I have said before they don't change, they are the only stories we will ever have of Lily so we can't keep telling them, people don't want to hear them again... they already listened once! So when you find someone who doesn't know and wants to hear, or is being paid to listen... we jump at the chance I guess... 

Then this afternoon I went to visit my aunty and new baby cousin, Ellyce (think I spelt it right...)... what a gorgeous wee thing (the baby, not my aunty, though she is gorgeous too...)... but it was hard, holding her and realising how long it has been since I held Lily in my arms, brought back again that ache... it brought up a lot of emotions really, but I think I was able to mostly keep them hidden and instead just focus on meeting this beautiful new bubba.

So yes, that was my emotional day... but I am ok don't get me wrong, I am still happy, I am still smiling, just a tad more sadness then what has become the norm...

Thinking tomorrow I might go into work for a visit... I go back in 3 weeks so should make the effort or it will be a huge shock! I am looking forward to going back, have had enough of sitting at home, I am not the sort of person who was created to sit alone for extended periods of time doing very little! So it is time to go back to doing something I love while I again wait to be back on leave, this time with a bubba at home all going well! (No I am not announcing that I am pregnant! Hahaha that is just the plan for the next time!)

Anyway, today I am thankful for...
~*~ Heidi finding and bringing over some more things to entertain these kiddies! The poor things have very limited things to play with here! ~*~

And the positive thing of the day...
~*~ Being able to tell our stories of Lily again... even if the person was being paid to listen... ~*~

Sarah.