Day 7 – Wisdom, what advice would you give someone
wanting to help a loved one who has experienced the death of their baby or
child?
It is so hard as everyone’s journey is different,
unique. For me, I would say, saying something is better than saying nothing. Even
if you don’t know what to say, just say, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say”,
but I also was able to understand that when people said stupid things, or
things that I felt were insensitive, that they were at least trying, and I
really appreciated that. But I know for others, it hurts, but “I’m sorry, I don’t
know what to say” is safe
Here are a few things that mattered for me and I would
suggest to at least think about as ideas if you know someone who is
experiencing the loss of their baby/child…
* Don’t try to make them feel better. Don’t try to stop
them crying. Sit with them and let them cry, let them talk. Ask their story. Be
present. Emotions can be hard to watch someone deal with, but knowing someone is
listening really matters. And not just listening to respond, and not listening
to understand (because who can really understand?) but listening because they
want to hear you.
* For me, hearing Lily’s name from someone else’s lips is
a gift. So say their child’s name. Even 7 years later it means just as much as
it did then.
* Don’t ignore or avoid them because you are uncomfortable
with the ‘situation’. If they matter to you, suck it up, your discomfort is nothing compared to their pain! (sorry!)
* Give them a silent hug (if appropriate…)
* Acknowledge their pain. It doesn’t really matter how
you feel about what they feel… their
feelings are valid and they matter. You may never understand the extent of
their loss, or understand the extent of their pain!
* Don’t put a time frame on their pain and grief. Don’t
expect them to be ‘over it’ or to have ‘moved on’ in a month or even a year, or
two. Losing a child is one of the most difficult experiences in life and the
grief never really goes away (in my experience), it will come in shock waves,
over, and over, and over again.
* If it takes awhile to call the person because you don’t
know what to say, when you call, say exactly that, say “I’m sorry, I didn’t
know what to say”, but don’t say you
have been busy, the loss of a baby is a huge event in a persons life and to
hear it was so low on your priority list that you couldn’t make contact, hurts.
*
Invite the person to lunch/morning tea/etc, and expect that they will talk
about their loss, and let them!
*
Don’t change the subject when they cry. Let them cry.
*
Don’t say things like “he/she is in a better place”, “things happen for a
reason” etc etc, it really doesn’t matter what you or the person believes, even
I believe Lily was in Heaven, but at the time, I felt there was no “better
place” than in the arms of her mother!
*
Don’t say “you can have another one”, that is probably the worst thing you can say! You can not assume a person can! And even
if they CAN, no future children will ever
replace the child they have lost. No child will “fill the hole”.
*
Remember to ask how the dad is feeling! Often the mother’s are the focus, but
remember the dads lost their child too!
*
If I snap at you for saying things that hurt, please do forgive me and try to
understand it has come from a place of intense pain. Your dog might bite you
when you try to pick him up from the side of the road after he has been hit by
a car, that doesn’t mean he hates you, or is ungrateful, just that he’s hurt
and your touch, well intentioned though it be, has added more pain.
*
Just love them and be there. That is what matters and what will be remembered.
Trust me.
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