Capture your grief - day 12

Day 12 – Just Breathe (How do you cope when people say the wrong thing?)

This makes me think of the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol 

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

...

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

...

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

.... you get the idea. I don't know why it makes me think of that, I guess because what people need is literally just for someone to be there, not to 'make them feel better', but to forget the world with them.

Right from day one, I would rather someone say the wrong thing, than say nothing at all. Sometimes the wrong thing hurts, but I appreciated people making the effort to address the situation. (except the dr who said “At least you can have more….” When he was meant to be helping us!). People, generally, don’t mean to hurt you and I was able to see the good intention and appreciated it. And they don’t think what they say it hurtful.

There was one time that sticks in my mind for me, I was working during my pregnancy I was working (ECE teacher) and while I was open with the families about what was happening, I didn’t just randomly throw it into conversation, it was only if families asked questions. And there was one parent, nice person and we got along well, but obviously they didn’t know what was going on, and I can’t remember what we were talking about that lead to it but they said, “As long as it’s happy and healthy, that’s all that matters”, and I remember saying something like, “Well actually we have been told she only has half a heart, but we love her no matter what”. And it was hard to say, and I know it was hard to hear, but I thought, how many times will they kick them selves for saying things like that, if they find out later, I didn’t think that was fair on them. I hear a lot, even now, comments said like “as long as it’s healthy” to someone who is pregnant and I always think, actually that doesn’t matter either. If there is nothing you can do, what matters is that the baby is loved. And that matters even more if the baby’s life is going to be short!

I have had the “at least she is in heaven now”, and the, “At least you can have more children” and “at least she isn’t in pain” and more things that do hurt when people say them. Usually I will try to kindly say, “well actually, I would rather she was here in my arms”, or “actually, no other child can ever take her place”. But I don’t get angry or upset, because, ultimately, I am glad they tried. I am glad they were ‘brave’ enough to say something, even if they were feeling awkward.

If I was to try to give advice to people about what to say to someone who is losing or has lost a child, I would say, simply, if your comment starts with “At least……” don’t even say it, don’t even start to say it, and don’t try to reword it. This includes, “at least you have other children”, “at least you can have more”, “at least they are in heaven now”, etc, etc

Instead, try simply saying, “I’m sorry”, or even “It sucks” or simply, “I don’t know what to say”. But please, never, ever, say “at least….”

Please understand, there is no “at least” in loss.

Completely off topic - if you are reading this, thanks ☺ It's strange to write like this and not knowing who may read it. I have had a few people the last few days say, "I was reading your blog...." and I am always surprised! Hahaha I don't know who, or if anyone, reads this! Feel free to leave a comment telling me you did if you want 😉