Capture your grief - Day 21

Day 21 – Death (How do you believe our society in this day and age handles death? How can we normalize death and grief?)

I don’t know really. I have been very open during our whole journey and have, to my face, received nothing but support, but I know other people who don’t feel they can talk about it, others don’t even know they have lost their babies, and other people who have been told their babies weren’t really babies, whether because they left us to early, or because they were ‘born sleeping’. So I don’t know how our society handles death. Perhaps it’s easier not to talk about.

I mean, what happens when someone tells you they have lost a child/baby? Or even anyone? Things get awkward right? What do you say? What should you do now? Easier just to not talk about it.

What happens when 5 years after someone you know has lost a baby and they haven’t ‘finished grieving’ as you thought they should? Perhaps you think they should have done things differently. Perhaps you think they shouldn’t still be sad. Perhaps it’s easier to not talk about it.

How about when you ask someone how many children they have and they answer, “3. 1 in heaven and 2 on earth” and you think that wasn’t the right answer, and they just made it awkward. Perhaps it’s easier not to talk about it.

Maybe you don’t understand why someone is so sad about a miscarriage. Maybe you don’t know why they are so sad when they never even “met” their baby. Perhaps it’s easier not to talk about it.

Maybe you would do things differently if it was you, you can’t understand the decisions they made. Perhaps it’s easier not to talk about it.

How do we normalise death and grief? We TALK ABOUT IT! We are open about it and we are open minded when dealing with other people going through loss and grief, sure the may not do it how you would, but they are doing what is (generally) right for them. Talk about it, listen and accept that others do it differently and be there for them anyway!

Today I was talking to some wonderful people in my life about ‘holding space’. This is when you are willing to walk by another persons side in their journey without judgement, without trying to fix them or impact the decisions they make. You just walk with them, beside them. You support them to stand when they stumble.  You are a pillar to lean on and a grip for them to hold. So when they turn around, you are there, with an open heart, offering unconditional support. You listen to understand, not just to hear.

Although it may be awkward, although it may be different to how you would do it, to ‘normalise’ death and grieving, we need to talk about it, accept it and support it. We need to "hold space" for each other.

Capture your grief - Day 19

Day 19 – Learn (What is something that this grief experience has taught you?)

I guess the obvious would be about appreciating life, and while this certainly reminded me the preciousness of life, I think one of the bigger lessons for me was how good people are.

I never dreamed of the support we received. I knew our family would be there for us and would do everything within their power to help and support us, but it was other people. It was the meals we received, the people who came together to make afternoon tea for everyone after the funeral. It was people coming and visiting when we had Lily at our home, knowing there is a chance they wouldn’t even see us. It was the washing that was done without us even knowing there was washing to do. It was the people blowing up 250+ helium balloons the morning of the funeral, it was the full fridge, the jug always being hot. It was the movie tickets given to us to use “when we were ready”, the piece of music finished with her in mind. It was the offer to take photos, they are priceless, precious gifts (both of Lily and of her celebration). It was the painting of her, the photo book. The love, kindness and support, not only from our family and close friends but from other friends and even from people we didn’t even know.

From this experience, I learnt, and very strongly believe, people are good, and people want to be able to help and support, they may not know how to or what they can do, but most people want to. Perhaps it is also why I was so forgiving when people said things that hurt, because they were never meaning to hurt me, they said things with all the intentions of helping.

If you know someone in this situation, be assured that what you do to help and support, matters! Even if they can’t express it yet.

Also, one other thing I learned, is that facebook can be an incredible tool or resource. People used facebook to 'check in', to remind us they were thinking of us and Lily. And Facebook has given me the chance to share my story. And of course last year it was through the power of facebook, and again many, many people we don't know, that we were able to find the same outfit that Lily is buried in so we could have a memory bear made in the same outfit. We found the exact outfit, even in the same size, 6 years after it was in stores!

Capture your grief - Day 18

Day 18 – Joy (What are your thoughts on feeling joy and happiness after loss?)

This one is nice and simple. It took time, but ultimately, I know there is no one I love that I would want to see spending their lives sad or not feeling joy and happiness, so I know Lily wouldn’t want that for us. I don’t know if that sounds a cop out, but it’s true. But like I said, it took time. I guess it helped that we chose to spend Lily’s life celebrating and focusing on being happy with the gift we were given, the precious life we were given, even though it was short. Although it took time, I had a different outlook on life, one of those things that only ever happen to other people, happened to us, and we were reminded how precious and short life can be. Why would I spend the time I have unhappy? I never felt guilt at feeling happy. When the people I love are sad, it hurts. If Lily was watching, I wouldn’t want to be hurting her by choosing to not allow myself to be happy.  

Capture your grief - Day 17

Day 17 – Gratitude (is it really all it’s talked up to be when it come to healing? Is it something you practice?)

Heck yes! It is also an extremely hard thing to ‘decide’ to feel in the midst of grief. We chose from the start to focus on celebrating what we did have, to celebrate Lily for as long as we had her, rather than to spend her life dwelling on what we were going to lose. I had nothing to do with denial or anything, it was cherishing her, knowing she was a blessing to our lives.

After our Lily was gone, the pain was of course, real and extreme. That’s what love does. However, someone suggested I try to find something positive in each day, some days it was hard, sometimes the positive was “getting up”. Because some days the grief was overwhelming. But the simple act of thinking on positives, or things to be grateful for gave me the opportunity to refocus and whether it worked on not each day, it did always remind me that my pain was the result of having something that was so hard to say goodbye to. The pain was always worth it.

To this day, remembering what we lost, reminds me of what I had, what I have and the importance of valuing it today, of making the most of it, of being present with those I love and in how I choose to spend my time.

Capture your grief day 15 - Wave of Light

Capture your grief, Day 15 - Wave of light (Light a candle in memory of your child and become part of the most gorgeous day on the bereavement calendar.)

No words today, just a candle, lit in memory of our Lily xx

Capture your grief - Day 14

Day 14 - Connect (how do you connect with your child?)

In a heartbeat this song connects me.

We played this song as we walked Lily in to her funeral and, for me, this is why this song is meaningful...

From 20 weeks we had constant news thrown at us, half a heart, diaphragmatic hernia, compressed lungs, 6 toes... over and over again, we were told of all the things that were wrong with Lily. But in the end, no matter what was 'wrong', we believe, Lily was amazing, she was perfect. She was who she was and to change that would be to change who Lily is. (that makes sense in my head...)

Capture your Grief, day 13

Day 13 – Educate (what do you want others to know about your experience with grief?)

I could probably write forever on this. But I am ready for bed, so I’m going to keep it short…

Grief…

Grief is love with no where to go. It is all the love you want to, but cannot, give. That love pools in the corners of your eyes, it builds a lump in your throat and a thumping in your chest.

It is unpredictable, and it is surprising. It is never ending, and it is forever changing.

One day you are on top of it, the next it is fighting hard to get on top of you.

Grief is the result of a love so strong and deep it was hard to say goodbye, hard to lose.

Grief is intense and at times debilitating.

Grief looks like smiles mixed with tears. It is the onset of things like panic attacks that have no place in your predictable, calm day.

Grief doesn’t follow any rules or travel any set road.

Grief can lay dormant for a long time and come roaring to the surface when you least expect it.

Grief takes no notice of time of day, where you are, who you are with or what you are doing.

Grief is unpredictable and surprising. It is never ending and forever changing!

Capture your grief - day 12

Day 12 – Just Breathe (How do you cope when people say the wrong thing?)

This makes me think of the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol 

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

...

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

...

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

.... you get the idea. I don't know why it makes me think of that, I guess because what people need is literally just for someone to be there, not to 'make them feel better', but to forget the world with them.

Right from day one, I would rather someone say the wrong thing, than say nothing at all. Sometimes the wrong thing hurts, but I appreciated people making the effort to address the situation. (except the dr who said “At least you can have more….” When he was meant to be helping us!). People, generally, don’t mean to hurt you and I was able to see the good intention and appreciated it. And they don’t think what they say it hurtful.

There was one time that sticks in my mind for me, I was working during my pregnancy I was working (ECE teacher) and while I was open with the families about what was happening, I didn’t just randomly throw it into conversation, it was only if families asked questions. And there was one parent, nice person and we got along well, but obviously they didn’t know what was going on, and I can’t remember what we were talking about that lead to it but they said, “As long as it’s happy and healthy, that’s all that matters”, and I remember saying something like, “Well actually we have been told she only has half a heart, but we love her no matter what”. And it was hard to say, and I know it was hard to hear, but I thought, how many times will they kick them selves for saying things like that, if they find out later, I didn’t think that was fair on them. I hear a lot, even now, comments said like “as long as it’s healthy” to someone who is pregnant and I always think, actually that doesn’t matter either. If there is nothing you can do, what matters is that the baby is loved. And that matters even more if the baby’s life is going to be short!

I have had the “at least she is in heaven now”, and the, “At least you can have more children” and “at least she isn’t in pain” and more things that do hurt when people say them. Usually I will try to kindly say, “well actually, I would rather she was here in my arms”, or “actually, no other child can ever take her place”. But I don’t get angry or upset, because, ultimately, I am glad they tried. I am glad they were ‘brave’ enough to say something, even if they were feeling awkward.

If I was to try to give advice to people about what to say to someone who is losing or has lost a child, I would say, simply, if your comment starts with “At least……” don’t even say it, don’t even start to say it, and don’t try to reword it. This includes, “at least you have other children”, “at least you can have more”, “at least they are in heaven now”, etc, etc

Instead, try simply saying, “I’m sorry”, or even “It sucks” or simply, “I don’t know what to say”. But please, never, ever, say “at least….”

Please understand, there is no “at least” in loss.

Completely off topic - if you are reading this, thanks ☺ It's strange to write like this and not knowing who may read it. I have had a few people the last few days say, "I was reading your blog...." and I am always surprised! Hahaha I don't know who, or if anyone, reads this! Feel free to leave a comment telling me you did if you want 😉

Capture your Grief - Day 11

Capture your Grief - Day 11 - Tribute, Do you do anything to honour your child’s memory on special dates?

On Lily’s birthday we always have a family meal and it always involves cake! We get together with family and friends and we just spend time together. We have done a variety of things like letting off balloons, floating lanterns (decorated by family), sparklers etc. But ultimately it is a time to get together in her honour. Lily is never far from our minds and always in our hearts. She appears in conversations regularly so it isn’t even about ‘remembering’ her or her story. Her legacy is love and togetherness, and it is exactly what we do on her birthday.

At Christmas time each of our children get a new decoration to add to the tree each year, and that includes Lily.  

Other than that, we don’t have set things we do, but we do make sure she is included in our special times, our Christmas’, Easters, Birthdays etc.

Capture your Grief day 10

So day 10's 'topic' was to write a letter to the child you lost. But I can't do that. It is not really something you just sit down to do in a 10-20 minute window. Where would I begin? What would I even start to say.
So, instead I am going to post this link below. If you click on it, it will take you to the sound recording of Lily's funeral. I don't know if anyone wants to listen to it. But today, because I can't do what I am meant to, I will just post that link instead... maybe tomorrow I will be full of wisdom and interesting things to say! :D

I don't think I have actually listened to this since the day of her funeral. Maybe I will have a listen now too!

The celebration of Lily Tyne

💖

Capturing your grief - Day 9

Day 9 - Transformation

Has this experience changed me? Of course, hugely. I don’t know really how to explain just how this experienced has changed me but let’s see…

This experience quickly taught me the importance of people and to cherish them. This experience taught me all about a whole new kind of love. Lily is my first born. Before Lily I wasn’t a mum, but the moment I knew she existed a part of me was growing. I believe I had to make more hard decision about life, Lily’s and ours, in the 8ish short months she was with us, than many parents have to make throughout their lives as parents.  I learned what it meant to battle in your head and heart about the life altering decisions you have to make about someone elses life. I learned there was a love so strong it is there in an instant and it does not go away. I developed an understanding of the love my parents had for me. They may never have had to make life/death decisions for me, but I began to understand that, no matter what, their love was unfaltering. I became a mum and that is a pretty huge change to a person and I knew that no matter what, from that moment, I would be a mum for the rest of my life.

Through losing Lily, I came to appreciate time, other peoples and my own. I am open minded and try my best to be forgiving. But at the same time, I am not ready to waste my time on rubbish or things that leave me feeling like rubbish.

Ultimately I learned how strong I am even while I am extremely weak. I learned how strong love really is. And I learned what really matters. (I’ll give you a hint…. It’s people!)

Capture your grief - day 8, Support

Day 8 – Support/resources/therapies

Unfortunately I am a bit useless in the sense of trying to recommend resources and therapies… I don’t know of any that I used at the time. Except support. We were lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people who were there in so many different ways. Some we didn’t even know until much later. We had people bring us dinners, but it wasn’t until days after Lily’s funeral that I realised someone (and I found out who) had stocked our kitchen with all the things we would need (and more) to host people in our home without having to worry (we brought Lily home and had her in an open casket and a lot of people came, to see her, to see us, to be together etc), and she had delivered all this before we had even got home from the hospital. I don’t remember ever making a cup of tea/coffee  for anyone, but I know there were many drinks drunk. Again, days after the funeral, I realised I hadn’t done washing since coming home, yet there was no dirty washing, because someone had done it. People didn’t ask if we wanted their help, or if there was anything they could do (of course some people did, and we appreciated those offers too!), but they just did it. There were a few times we had to leave our home while Lily was there, (to get an anti-d injection, to find something to wear to the funeral etc), but while it was hard to leave, we also knew she continued to be surrounded by immense love and care while we were gone, that mattered, a lot.

Then you have the funeral, how do you plan one of those? We not only had people, gently, offer ideas but then a LOT of people step in to execute them. 250-300 helium balloons, blown up, at the church, by friends and family, the morning of the funeral. Afternoon tea for all the people who attended the funeral, made by family, friends and acquaintances from our church. A music team come to sing at the funeral! And this was all done, by people who were also walking our grieving path with us, many of these people were family, who had also just lost a grandchild/niece/loved one.

There are a few organisations around now that I would/do recommend families look into when they lose a little one. The biggest one that I can’t recommend enough is Angel Casts (or similar, depending on your area). They come and make casts of your baby’s hands and feet, for free! They weren’t around when we lost Lily, and we did ‘home made’ ones with playdough and plaster of paris, these started to perish and we were lucky enough that Jen from Angel Casts was able to use them to make casts of Lily’s hands and feet, not as good as the done straight from the child, but I still appreciate them immensely.

We have also had a memory bear made from the same fabric as the onesie Lily was buried in. I would absolutely recommend buying 2 of the outfit you bury your child in (if you can), you never know when you might want it! 6 years after we had buried her I was trying to find another outfit like we had buried her in that had left the shop shelves a LONG time ago! Facebook is an incredible thing, because we found it, more than one! One even in the size Lily wore, 00000! And people so willingly gave them to us.

We have also, recently, received a heart cushion from Huggable Hearts, that weighs the same as Lily did at birth. It’s a strange feeling to hold something exactly her weight.

Also, photos. I know to some this may not be healing. But I will forever treasure the photos we have of Lily. And even the ones we have of her just before we sealed her casket, and the photos from the funeral. The photos from when she was born, of course, are extremely special, and I knew they would be. But the photos from the funeral etc, I didn’t even know I wanted at the time. But that time is such a blur, I am so thankful for those photos. To the point I wished we could have videoed the funeral. I know that’s weird, I know that is not what is done, but I don’t remember it. I know Luke and I carried Lily in to her funeral, but I don’t remember doing it. I remember people getting up to talk, but I don’t remember what they said. I know we sang songs, but I don’t remember singing them. And I had absolutely no idea how many people had come, until I saw the photos. I have also heard people who have had people not want to see photos of their baby that has passed, thankfully, I have never had that. But I’m sorry, if you did say that to me, I would tell you to either look away, or keep scrolling. But even if you take photos and never look at them again, at least you have them if you want them. If you don’t take them, you will never have them. I know that sounds rough, but it is the truth.

These things because huge treasures! But for some of them, if you don’t do them now (the casts, photos etc), you can’t do them… you don’t get the chance again.

If someone you know is ever in this situation, maybe, gently, make these suggestions. They may not think about it, but they will likely, one day, thank you. 

You can see my posts from the previous day over to the right ----->

Capture your Grief - Day 7

Day 7 – Wisdom, what advice would you give someone wanting to help a loved one who has experienced the death of their baby or child?

It is so hard as everyone’s journey is different, unique. For me, I would say, saying something is better than saying nothing. Even if you don’t know what to say, just say, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say”, but I also was able to understand that when people said stupid things, or things that I felt were insensitive, that they were at least trying, and I really appreciated that. But I know for others, it hurts, but “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say” is safe

Here are a few things that mattered for me and I would suggest to at least think about as ideas if you know someone who is experiencing the loss of their baby/child…

* Don’t try to make them feel better. Don’t try to stop them crying. Sit with them and let them cry, let them talk. Ask their story. Be present. Emotions can be hard to watch someone deal with, but knowing someone is listening really matters. And not just listening to respond, and not listening to understand (because who can really understand?) but listening because they want to hear you.

* For me, hearing Lily’s name from someone else’s lips is a gift. So say their child’s name. Even 7 years later it means just as much as it did then.

* Don’t ignore or avoid them because you are uncomfortable with the ‘situation’. If they matter to you, suck it up, your discomfort is nothing compared to their pain! (sorry!)

* Give them a silent hug (if appropriate…)

* Acknowledge their pain. It doesn’t really matter how you feel about what they feel…  their feelings are valid and they matter. You may never understand the extent of their loss, or understand the extent of their pain!

* Don’t put a time frame on their pain and grief. Don’t expect them to be ‘over it’ or to have ‘moved on’ in a month or even a year, or two. Losing a child is one of the most difficult experiences in life and the grief never really goes away (in my experience), it will come in shock waves, over, and over, and over again.

* If it takes awhile to call the person because you don’t know what to say, when you call, say exactly that, say “I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to say”, but don’t say you have been busy, the loss of a baby is a huge event in a persons life and to hear it was so low on your priority list that you couldn’t make contact, hurts.

* Invite the person to lunch/morning tea/etc, and expect that they will talk about their loss, and let them!

* Don’t change the subject when they cry. Let them cry.

* Don’t say things like “he/she is in a better place”, “things happen for a reason” etc etc, it really doesn’t matter what you or the person believes, even I believe Lily was in Heaven, but at the time, I felt there was no “better place” than in the arms of her mother!

* Don’t say “you can have another one”, that is probably the worst thing you can say! You can not assume a person can! And even if they CAN, no future children will ever replace the child they have lost. No child will “fill the hole”.  

* Remember to ask how the dad is feeling! Often the mother’s are the focus, but remember the dads lost their child too!

* If I snap at you for saying things that hurt, please do forgive me and try to understand it has come from a place of intense pain. Your dog might bite you when you try to pick him up from the side of the road after he has been hit by a car, that doesn’t mean he hates you, or is ungrateful, just that he’s hurt and your touch, well intentioned though it be, has added more pain.

* Just love them and be there. That is what matters and what will be remembered. Trust me.

Capture your grief - Day 6 - Healing

Day 6 – Healing 

What is healing to me? When it comes to my journey with Lily, healing looks like something that is continuous. It is a decision, and sometimes a hard one to make. It is putting one foot in front of the other and choosing to focus on the good things, the love and the happiness. Healing is being kind to myself on the days where the wounds break open again. Healing for me is knowing and accepting that losing Lily will always be a painful part of my life. Healing is saying her name, talking about Lily and sharing the story of her part in our lives. Healing is knowing it is ok to cry. Healing is a journey full of roundabouts and u-turns, but it is staying on the road and continuing to move. Healing is one foot in front of the other 90% of the time but allowing yourself to take pauses, take time to breathe.

Day 5 - Capture you grief 2018

Day 5: Rituals

The only ‘ritual’ I can really think of that we do is have a birthday for Lily each year. And it always involves cake from a delicious cake shop! But this happens at different places, different times and we often do different things. 

There are also many things we have done over the last 7 years to remember her, on her 5^th birthday I got my first, and only, tattoo, we have had a memory bear made in the same outfit she was buried in (which took a lot of hunting and an incredible facebook journey to track down!) and I have, just today, received a Huggable Heart, a heart shaped cushion weighing the same as Lily weighed at birth. And while there is no way I will ever forget Lily, these are things I can do in her name I guess. I don’t need tokens to remember her, I don’t need her name on my wrist to know she existed, but it is there as a tribute to her I guess.

1 common theme that is hard to give up, is helium balloons. On the day of her funeral, many loved ones got together before the funeral and with the help of a couple of big helium tanks, inflated over 200 balloons, in a rainbow of colours. After the funeral we released the majority of them, there is a beautiful shot of these flying off in a (unintentional) heart shape. We took the last 30 or so balloons to her burial and released them there. There was one sneaky little pink balloon that refused to fly away. It hovered around for awhile and when all the other balloons, with a bit of encouragement, it decided it was time to go, in a completely different direction to all the other balloons, and more beautifully, it flew up through a cloud formation shaped like a heart. So we often incorporate balloons in our ‘rituals’. My tattoo has a balloon, her head stone has a balloon and when I see balloons, Lily is usually my first thought.

We celebrated Lily right through our pregnancy, and we continue to do so today. Because even though she may not be with us now, her life will always be worth celebrating.

Capture your grief, Day 4

Day 4 - Today

Today I look at Zeke and Annie and I can picture Lily to a certain degree. I can imagine what she may look like and wonder at who she may have been. Would she be a ‘thinker’, would she love music, would she be sporty, would she be creative, theatrical? And today, those ponderings make me smile. But tomorrow, tomorrow those same thoughts may be heart breaking, tomorrow I may be brought to my knees by the fact that I’ll never know, that how I picture her is just a creation of my imagination.

Capture Your Grief - Day 3

Day 3 - Essence

Lily Tyne. What is the essence of Lily? Love. From the moment we found out I was pregnant, there was a new love and happiness that entered our lives. Different to any I had experienced before. When we found out at the 20 week scan that there were concerns for her (even we understood having half a heart was going to be serious!), that love didn’t change, or if it did, it intensified. From the moment we knew she existed, she was our baby, our child, with all the love and hopes and dreams that came with it. Every scan and appointment we had from 20 weeks brought worse and worse news. But the very essence of Lily never changed. She was love, she is loved, she filled our lives with new love and we decided that no matter what, we would celebrate  Lily, the love she brought, and her life, for as long as we had her. Perhaps it seemed to some that we were in denial, but it was more about making a choice (and it was a conscious choice we made) to embrace the love and the happiness in that time rather than dwell on what may lie ahead.

The essence of Lily’s life was love. She was love, she brought love, she was (and is) loved and all she knew was love. And in the end, that’s what life is about, isn’t it?

Day 2 - Capture Your Grief 2018

Day 2 - Purpose

Today's topic is 'purpose'. What is the purpose of doing this? I do this, because I can.

This journey is a powerful one. It is powerful enough that it could destroy you. It is the only experience I have had in my life that has brought me to my knees, literally and figuratively. It is a journey filled with pain that is not only emotional, but mental and physical too. It is all consuming. It is having your heart broken in every sense. The feeling of loss is so great you can physically feel it. Not like I feel sad (which I obviously do), but I can physically feel, in my body, where a piece is missing. It's not a piece of my heart, the heart that pumps blood around my body and keeps me alive, it is rather a piece of my soul. The day we lost Lily, a real, true piece of me went with her. Not just my love, but a piece of me. I wonder why it is so hard to explain? I feel like no matter how I word it, it doesn't really explain just how it feels physcially. It could be compared to losing a part of my body, like a hand, I can learn to cope without it, and I can live without it, but it is always not there.

So I do this because I can. I can, because I am on this journey of grief. I can, because I am open about it, and have been from the beginning. I can, because I have always been surrounded by incredible love and support that has allowed me to be so open about it. I can, and I do, because this journey is one that 1 in 4 woman experience, and they shouldn't have to do it alone. I can, and I do, because these lives matter. Because these babies matter. Because these parents matter. 

Have a think about 4 woman you know (other than me)... do you know that there is a high likelihood that at least 1 of those woman has experienced the loss of a baby/child? Think of 4 more, 1 of those woman has too... But do you know that? Do you know about those babies? Do you know their names (if they have them)? Their stories?

I do this because this grief is powerful. It is powerful enough to break relationships, to break friendships, to break people. And it is long lasting.

And it is often experienced in silence.

Capture you grief 2018 - 1 October 2018

Capture Your Grief 2018

A few years ago I took part in the Capture your Grief project where each day I posted a photo (some with writing to go with them) each around a daily 'theme' that had something to do with my personal grief journey surrounding the loss of our Lily. I haven't done it for a couple of years, but have decided to take part in this years, but this year will be, for me, more written than visual. Sadly, in her short life, we only have so many photos, and I am sure you have noticed I have shared the same few photos over, and over again. And while those photos are precious, they are the same today as they were on March 17, 2011. However, my journey continues. I am not the same person I was that day and I am not in the same place on my journey as I was then. So, if you want to read my ramblings, this years Capture Your Grief, will be written (at least mostly).

Day 1: Sunrise

Of course a fitting first topic this month. The first day of Baby/infant/child loss awareness month. The sunrise, a new day. Sunrises are beautiful and can bring a promise of new, better, future, beginnings. But some days, these also bring a feeling of ‘another day without…’, another day without Lily, another day my life continues without her, another day I don’t get to see her smile, laugh, talk, another day I can’t hold her. Don’t get me wrong, I treasure Zeke and Annie, and as hard as it is to accept, I would not change anything and chance losing what I have now. But that does not mean I miss Lily any less, or that my love for her is any less, or that I don’t wish to hold her again.