4 December 2011

IT'S A BOY!


So after a scan at 16 weeks we are excited to announce we are having a boy! It is exciting knowing what we are having! Didn't matter if it was a boy or girl, just fantastic knowing! Now let the shopping begin!


This is a very different pregnancy to my last one! I am already a lot more uncomfortable than I ever remember being last time! But it is of course all worth it in the end! 

2 November 2011

 Had our 12 week scan today! Very exciting! I have been able to listen to our baby's heartbeat on my doppler at home for the past 5 days or so which meant I wasn't worried whether the heart was beating at this scan... so much more enjoyable! 

To the left is our babies arms in what looks to me like a karate move...

This pic is of our baby's brain... but all Luke and I see is a butterfly... hmmm

Despite asking, she wouldn't even look to see if she could tell the sex of bubba... :( think she was scared she might be wrong! But she made up for it! I asked at what stage they would be able to see all 4 chambers of the heart, the diaphragm and how many vessels in the cord... She said heart and diaphragm are normally about 16 weeks... but checked the cord straight away and it had 3 vessels which is good :)

Then she said she would try to check the heart and diaphragm but wasn't sure what she would be able to see... didn't help that our bubs just wouldn't stop moving! Was rolling all over the place and flipping back and forth! Very entertaining for us! But after awhile she was able to see a perfect diaphragm and then a perfect looking heart! So yay!

We get to go back in about 4 weeks (at 16 weeks) just to double check the heart and diaphragm really :) I look forward to it! LOVE scans!

18 October 2011

10 weeks... I am currently 10 weeks 2 days pregnant, I had forgotten how slow the first 12 weeks is!!! We had a scan yesterday, just to check everything was fine and it was :) Bubs was measuring bang on and heart rate was perfect :) We get another scan in a couple of weeks... the normal 12 week one... I love scans!

It is a bit more real now that I have seen bubs again. I have been a lot more nervous so far in this pregnancy than I was with Lily... It doesn't stop me being excited! just more aware of what could happen... So it is great to have scans and see that bubs is fine :) 

This pregnancy is quite different from my pregnancy with Lily so far! I am A LOT more tired! I also seem to have an extreme sense of smell which is not too bad until you mix it with this all day nausea I have! And then top it all off with headaches! It is just as well it will all be worth it! That is what gets me through :) Oh and did I mention a lactose intolerance? Not a major one, but one that has me using special milk and actually watching some of what I eat! lol

On another note (but still baby related) a close friend of mine who is pregnant had a scare and I won't go into details but there was the slight possibility that she could have ended up having her baby early... like 24 weeks. Thankfully it didn't happen and hopefully won't happen! But the thought was there and just that small possibility... that is a scary thing to have to think about, the possibility of having your baby too early and possibly loosing your baby? 

The interesting part was my thoughts, when I heard the possibility was there I thought, What a horrible thing to have to face, I can't even imagine what it must feel like to face the possibility of loosing your baby! It wasn't till about an hour later that I thought, hang on, I have been there... I mean no two persons feelings and thoughts are going to be the same even in the exact same situation, but I have faced the possibility and then the reality of loosing my baby too soon, I don't have to try to imagine, I've done it.

It's not that I have forgotten about Lily, or what I went through, it is that now when I think of Lily, I actually DON'T think about what I lost, I don't think about all the hard stuff, all the sad things and how hard it was... instead all I really think about is the love, the love I felt for her, the love Luke felt for her, the love others felt for her, the love others showed us, the support we got. They JOY she brought into our lives! She will always be our first born, and she was worth it. When I think of Lily I think of the baby I held in my arms, even if only for a short time. I think of her nose and lips. How she came out so different to what they expected. She came out perfect. That is what I think of when I think of Lily. It was nice to realise I had come to this place.

So that is pretty much life at the moment. We still have the kids staying with us, it has been 5 months now... a stay that was only meant to be 4 weeks max! But they are a part of life and family!

17 September 2011 - 6 months

♥ 6 months ago today I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time. 6 months ago today, I saw her beautiful face for the first time and told her how much I loved her. 6 months ago today I watched my baby take her first and last breaths and knew that it was all worth it! Even if all we got was 10 minutes with her, it was worth it! My lovely Lily, I will love you forever, I will like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. ♥

6 September 2011

So if you didn't guess it... I AM PREGNANT! We are extremely excited by this! To say the least! The baby is due to exit the womb in May... yip, ANOTHER May baby! May is very popular in my family! 

I am only 4 weeks 3 days ish pregnant... Still very early, and yes, again we have decided to tell people early... no waiting for 12 weeks for us! We did the same when I was pregnant with Lily and don't regret it at all! We are celebrating our bubba right from day 1! And part of this is again sharing it with the world! What is the point in waiting for 12 weeks? Yeah sure at 12 weeks the risk of miscarriage decreases, but we know that that doesn't mean everything is going to be perfect anyway! So let's celebrate!

I must admit though, while it is extremely exciting!!!, it is also a little scary, there is this fear, worry that something might go wrong! I didn't have this feeling at the beginning of my last pregnancy... every little, tiny twinge, funny feeling... it scares me... I want to do EVERYTHING right, even though they say there was nothing I could have done to change Lily's outcome, I still want to do whatever I can to have it different this time! Pressure!

But you know what? It's exciting! We are celebrating and enjoying every second of it... even this extreme tiredness and these really freaky dreams that are keeping me awake at night! And these dreams have nothing to do with babies/pregnancy or anything relevant! They are about silly things like being drugged by Michael Jackson and being made to dance to Thriller... the scary part was actually having him hunt me down to hurt me... but yeah, some very random but very vivid dreams that I am not enjoying! 

And I am only 4 weeks 3 days... there is a LOOOONG way to go yet!!

So that's it! I am PREGNANT and very excited about it! But I am now heading to bed... :)

Sarah. :)

5 September 2011

Day Trip to Auckland: $80, Dinner at a nice restaurant: $115, New Shoes she had to have: $50, Knowing there are actually THREE people in this photo: Priceless

28 August 2011

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

- Dr Seuss

19 August 2011

Photo is of a yummy Submarino... they give you hot frothy milk and sticks of chocolate to melt in it! YUM!!!

I just read through my last post and it really must have been a bad day! I am thankful that not many days are like that now. Most days are good, even great. Life is good :) I do recognise what we have been through, how hard it has been. But life is good! 

I had forgotten what it was like trying for a baby, how each month you hope for a different result, and you have trouble not getting your hopes up, but then nothing happens, the result is the same... the test continues to show one line (that means its negative for those of you who don't know!), or your period comes to mark the end of another month without success. Yeah it sounds depressing... but I am not depressed, so don't panic! I had just forgotten what it was like each month! And we haven't even been trying again for long! hahaha I guess since it took a year for us to get pregnant with Lily, I am scared it is going to take a long time to for it to happen again! The positive of it is that I know when it does happen for us again, when I do get pregnant, everything is ok! Once I was pregnant with Lily, the past 11 or so months didn't even matter any more! All was good then, the wait was over, we were having a baby!! And I know that once I am pregnant again and that wait  will cease to matter and all that will matter is my baby! And while it might sound strange, it isn't that we have waited since 2009 to have a baby... we have done that! We have had our baby... and I wouldn't give her up, such a beautiful, cherished and loved gift! The wait has just started again... for baby number 2... our next gift! :)  And I know that when this wait is over and the next wait begins (the waiting of the baby's arrival), this current one will disappear and be forgotten about.

It has now been 5 months since our Little Lily made her appearance! So brief but so lasting! Miss her like crazy every day, but the way I see it... missing her is a good thing! Sound strange? What I mean is I miss her because I love her so much, I miss her because she was such a big part of our lives, I miss her because she was such a fantastic part of our lives! She means so much to us, she was a blessing to us, and she brought us so much, so to miss her is a good thing! Because if I didn't miss her, that would mean she wasn't loved by us, that she wasn't a big part of our lives... Make sense? Well it does to me! :D

Well now that the whole World Wide Web knows that we are trying for baby number 2, here's hoping I will get to make an awesome post sometime in the near future!  It isn't a secret that we are trying, not that everyone WANTS to know! Hahaha but this blog has always been somewhere that I write very honestly, and this is a part of our life at the moment :) 

Anyway, that is my blog for now :) Life is great! We still have the kids with us! Nothing new on that front! They are doing well and we love having them! Huge learning journey for us, but worth it! We love it.

Stay safe everyone! There have been so many accidents and things around the country recently! 

Sarah.

9 August 2011

Today was a tough day... well the afternoon was anyway... I was on my break and for some reason suddenly thought "I wish I had held Lily more"... don't know where the thought came from, it just came... and then it kind of hit me the magnitude of what we have been through this year... I don't really know how to explain it! But I was suddenly looking back and thinking "How on earth did I do that?"... 

I seemed to understand better then what I wish I understood now... I can still say the words, but the feeling isn't behind them now. - Although all we had with us was Lily's body, I wish I had spent more time holding it. I wish I had never put her down! I wish she had always been in someones arms, if not in mine then in the arms of someone else who loved her... I wish I had not laid her in her casket until the end! I really wish I had planned earlier what we would do once she was at home, so that we could have really thought about what we wanted to do, what we wanted her dressed in, whether we would have put her in a bassinet instead of the casket at home... but she came early,  and instead of it being organised, there was shock and chaos, and things weren't thought about... I know I can't change anything, and I don't blame any one... it's just things I was looking back at and could see how I would do them differently... but things were done and it was just amazing, we had and still have, incredible support and amazing people who helped us to organise a beautiful send off and just general amazingness! I just was looking back today and realised how hard it really was... I would never expect someone to make the decisions we did in the time we did, or to do things that we had to do... not saying no one else has had to do it, I know people have! I just mean I... I dunno what I mean really, it is something I don't think you can even begin to understand unless you have been there! Yes you can show sympathy and you can be an amazing support to people who are going through it, but you really can't imagine even a small portion of what it is like. Because Lily came early, we had 1 day to decide whether we wanted medical intervention when she was born even though there was very little hope... I had my baby and then a matter or hours later had to choose between taking her home and having her body with us for a few more hours, or giving her away for a night with a chance that we would have her body with us for longer... it's things like this that should be talked about, decided, I didn't want someone to make the decisions for me, and I found that when someone did try to I often found I wanted something different, which helped me make up my mind! But these things weren't talked about because they weren't thought about till afterwards, I know we did a lot of things differently, I just wished there had been people, stories, a book/pamphlet that gave other points of view, stories of how others had done it, successfully and differently... to be offered a different way of doing things...

I look back and wonder how we did it... how I gave my baby away for that first night... how when I got her back I was able to put her down, how I could sleep while she lay in another room. How I didn't just loose the plot and run away with my baby and not give her up!

I think I understood then a lot more than I do now! I don't know how that works, but when we were going through it, I understood that what I had was only a body, it wasn't all of Lily, but merely a shell, and while I cherished the time I got with her body even after she had passed, I understood that was I was holding wasn't all of my baby, there was MUCH more and the majority of what would make her who she was, wasn't in my arms, so I knew I didn't NEED to hold on to her physical form... but now I wish I had, but I also know that I could have held her for the whole time I had her and it would still not have been enough... no time short of a long life would be enough! 

I haven't had a day like this for awhile, but today I just looked back on the past months and thought "How have I got through this? How does any one get through it?" I know I am ok, I know this hasn't crippled me, yes it has changed me... but because I can still look at photos of Lily and smile and continue to see how much she brought to my life whether she is here now or not. When I can look back at it and still know it was worth it, and that if I had the chance to do it over, I would, that's how I know I am ok!

I am rambling, I haven't re read this so I actually have no idea how much sense it makes... I miss Lily more than anything! But that will always be! I don't want to ever stop missing her! Just today was a harder day than normal.

Sarah.

6 August 2011

 

Just showing off my latest knitting :) My first attempt at a blanket... I like it! :) Not as big as I would like but its not little, I just ran out of room on my needles so couldn't go on! :D

3 August 2011

So today we had our meeting at the hospital in regards to the complaint we put in a couple of months ago... we didn't really know what to expect from the meeting... were they just humouring us and trying to make us feel like they were really listening to what we had to say? We didn't know... but I can say now that we know... hahaha the meeting was good, we didn't feel placated, it actually felt like they were listening and taking our concerns on board and willing to look at making a change.

It was kind of a strange meeting, because both Luke and I had to actually re read the letter we sent to remember what we had to complain about... hahaha it's not that there was suddenly nothing to complain about and we had been petty, it is just I guess that we had moved on and we don't dwell on those things. It hasn't scarred us for life or anything, it was just that the things we complained about don't matter to us now... but it the complaint wasn't about making it better for us, it was about trying to change it so the next people who have to go through this yucky situation will have a better birth experience. Making what is such a hard time, a bit easier.

It was just as well our wonderful midwife was there with us today! She obviously has a better memory than me and was able to bring up things I couldn't think of and do A LOT of the talking for us! THANK YOU!!!!

The meeting was good though, the two hospital people we talked to had OBVIOUSLY actually looked into the complaint and had talked to the people involved and done their "research" for lack of a better word. And it was good to hear that since our situation there with Lily, there are things that have already been put in place to improve it and make it easier/better for the next people. Our midwife who has had to go through a similar situation recently said it had already improved somewhat, which is almost a relief!  Not much else to say about that... the meeting was good and felt worthwhile... so yay. :)

This afternoon Luke and I went out to one of the places that make headstones and talked to them and got an idea of what we kind of want and how much it will cost... we want something that is a bit different to the other ones... unique and something that kind of symbolises Lily for us... there is no hurry for it, we are looking now so we don't have to rush something or anything like that... It was good to get an idea of shape, design and cost. We haven't worked out what to write on it yet!  What on EARTH do you write?

Yip, so that is that :D

Sarah.

2 August 2011

Please don't say you never got to know me
It is I whose kicks you will always remember, my reminder to you that I was there and I was ok.
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn't tell time and got your days and nights mixed up,

I who liked to play music on your ribs.
It is I who acknowledged your craving for ice cream by knocking the cold bowl off your belly,
I who went shopping with you and helped you pick out the perfect things for me,
I who would push out at your hand when you rubbed your belly.
I who loved my daddys touch so much I fell asleep at it!

It is I who never had a doubt about your love for me,

It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.

1 August 2011

The photos are of Lily just before we put her in her casket for the last time. I was looking through some photos over the weekend to get printed and I had almost forgotten about these. There are other ones I look at all the time, but when I looked at these I smiled because I know my little girl was wrapped, dressed, surrounded by LOVE when we laid her to rest... I mean I always knew she was, but so much love went into something that was also kind of painful... get what I mean? Burying your baby, your grandchild, niece, or loved one is not easy to say the least, but there were many physical symbols of love that went with her. I love that. There was many, many more symbols of love that went with her that these photos don't show... books, letters, messages, jewellery, toys... you wouldn't believe how full her casket was! But I love these photos because they show what she was dressed in, a beautiful cardi and booties and then wrapped in with what almost looks like a cloud, but is a beautiful knitted and lined blanket... all of it knitted just for her :)

Anyway, have you seen the ad on tv that starts with "life starts with tears, but that's ok"? I liked the ad the first few times I saw it, but then I saw it last night and my first thought was "that's not right"... and it's not... if life starts with tears then you are saying a baby's life doesn't start until they exit the womb and cry? I was trying to think when I would consider a life to start... heartbeat? Nope because there are still babies who never get to that stage and I fully believe they are more than just a few cells that are reproducing and hoping to become something bigger... As soon as we found out we were pregnant our baby had a life... yet no heartbeat... I know the ad doesn't mean to disregard lives... but it does! There are MANY, MANY lives that never get to cry... does that make them less of a life? So maybe life starts when that wriggly sperm reaches the egg and they begin the process of developing into a baby... no matter what stage that baby gets to...

Well that is my thoughts/feelings on the subject anyway!

Sarah.

My locket

When Lily was born some wonderful friends bought me a lovely and thoughtful gift... a heart shaped locket with "Lily 17.03.11" engraved on the back. I was quite surprised by the gift! I don't know when they thought of it, but they got it, had it engraved and were giving it to me the next day... I know it doesn't take long to engrave, but to have been so on to it! They even had to travel down from Auckland... Jen and Nico, you guys are amazing... thank you so much for the locket, I am not sure I ever thanked you properly! I have worn it every day since... even though I hadn't put any photos in it... but today, I finally put some photos in it! It's not the easiest thing to put photos in! You have to get them printed at the right size, cut them out in the right shape and get it in right... but today I did it all! :D And I am so happy with it! I LOVE it even more! Thought I would share it with you :D They are not the best photos... possibly due to the lighting... or just my bad photography! hahaha anyway, you get the idea, and I LOVE it so much! :D Again, thanks Jen and Nico!

Anyway, 2 posts in one day! Hahaha that should satisfy you Kim! :D

Sarah.

30 July 2011

The picture on the left is of Lily with her aunty Madz... my beautiful baby sister holding my beautiful baby... makes me realise my baby sister isn't a baby herself anymore!






So I was told it was about time I did another blog post... so here it is...

Things are going well for us. Work is good, very tiring but then what's new? Wasn't feeling flash yesterday (Friday) so had a day off and seem to be alright today. One of the joys of working with kids is picking up a lot of bugs!

We have continued to look at a headstone for Lily, well more still thinking about it, haven't been to any of the places that make them to get advice or ideas or anything... But the only day off Luke and I have together is a Sunday, and they aren't open on a Sunday, so makes it a bit difficult! 

Still have no idea what words to put on it that will express everything we want to say! I don't wan tit to say something sad, I don't want it to be about what we lost, but more about what we gained... what Lily was to us, rather than just our baby that we lost.

And I realised the other day, how weird it was to say that I lost Lily... I know what it is meant to mean, but I said it the other day and then thought, no, I didn't loose her... I have always known where she is! No she is not here with me, but that doesn't mean I lost her! I know it is just what you say, but why lost? I didn't loose her in the supermarket, or at the park, or something like that, I have always known where she is...

I'm not in denial, I do know that Lily died and is now gone from earth, it is just a strange feeling to say "I lost her"... maybe people would rather I said "I lost my baby" rather than, "My baby died.

We still have the kids with us. Still no plan for them, we got the care plans for them the other day (finally, you are meant to get them when the kids first come!) and it was full of incorrect info! They can't even get the birthdates and schools right! If they can't get the small things right it makes me worry for the rest of it!

On Wednesday we have a meeting at the hospital in regards to a letter of complaint we put in... don't really know what to expect there but I guess the chance to get our concerns across in hopes that some of the things that happened with us won't happen for another person in the same or similar position! It has nothing to do with Lily's outcome, it is more the experiences we had during the whole time we were there. I am going to have to re read the letter we sent to remind myself of the concerns... they are not something we have focused on!

My hair is still falling out... but I am not bald yet... thankfully! Tho some days it feels like I can't be far off it! 

Anyway, thats about all I have to say about that! :D

Sarah.

20 July 2011 - just cos

 

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you

 

17 July 2011 - 4 months

Would you believe it is 4 months since I held my live baby in my arms? Yeah, 4 months... that seems like a crazy long time to have passed for something that still feels like only yesterday... but then again, it seems like such a short time ago for something that feels like it happened so long ago... crazy how it works!

That may sound more depressing than it is meant to... but be assured, life is good, things are going well, we are doing well, its just hard to believe it has been 4 months already, and yet only 4 months... does that make sense?

Tonight I have been trying to seriously think about what we are going to do for her headstone... we buried her somewhere that we could put a headstone because that is what we want to do, but never knew how hard it would be to create one... how do you find the perfect tribute, the perfect words that will forever be there as a memory of your baby? What words do you use? No words would ever be enough to describe her, and the love and joy she brought to us... no words could ever do her justice... so what words do you settle for?

11 July 2011

I have discovered there are a lot of things they don't tell you about being pregnant, birth and even afterwards... such as when your waters break they will keep leaking! But I have now discovered another one that I at least hope is only to do with the pregnancy...

My hair is falling out... at a mentally crazy rate! At least it seems that way! I swear half my hair falls out every morning! Lol ok not quite, but it feels like it and it scared me a bit, and even more so the other night when I looked in the mirror and to me my hair is visibly thinner especially in patches (no more tying my hair up!) so had a little freak out... enough to convince me to go to the doctor (and that must be pretty bad!) ... but before seriously going through with the doctor threat I decided to consult Dr Google... and it seems it is normal to loose hair after having a baby, even months after... I am hoping that the amount I am loosing is normal too! 

Alright, so that has been my eventful few days... hair loss... was really starting to freak out quietly (yip I do some things quietly!)... 

Now my head hurts so I am going to bed finally! Was meant to be an early night but it is now 10.30... ops... 

Sarah :)

8 July 2011

Photo 1 - Birthday cake for Miss F who turned 10 on Wednesday... 

Photo 2 - The cover of Lily's book

Yesterday (Thursday) we were given an incredible gift, it is a photo book of our beautiful Lily... I have added a photo of the cover, I couldn't decide on a favourite page to take a photo of because they are all just so awesome... so all you get for now is the cover! Such an incredible gift! When I first looked at it I will admit there were tears, but the book is so visibly filled with love its just... lovely? such an understatement, but its wonderful! I have already looked at it so many times it should be all worn out! hahaha but every time I look at it there is something different that I smile about...

So I have been back at work for 3 weeks now and it is like I was never away... :) However, I am extremely tired when I get home now!

The kids are doing well... still no progress in their case which sucks for them! But they still doing good with us. They are booked in to a holiday program for the holidays which is good... we had Miss F's birthday on Wednesday... she chose what we had for dinner (cocktail sausages, sausage rolls, cake (banana and chocolate chip, made by Heidi and decorated by Miss F), chicken chips and dip and pizza... and we are taking them bowling on Sunday... we tried to make it as special as we could for her.

So in summary... we got an amazing gift and Miss F is now 10. Life is goooooooooood. :D

Sarah. :)

3 July 2011

Today I got cuddles from 2 gorgeous little bubbas! The first one cried every time I held her! Hahaha thanks Ellyce! However, baby number 2 restored my faith in babies! Hahaha had some lovely snuggles from a gorgeous little Lachy (thanks Renee and Glen!). Baby snuggles are just amazing and fun (as long as they not crying and their nappies are clean!), I love them!

Anyway, today has been quite a 'thoughtful' day... full of lots of thoughts about things... not bad stuff, well most of it isn't bad stuff, just thoughts and things.

We went shopping today for Miss F's birthday presents as she turns 10 on Wednesday... what on earth do you buy a 10 year old you hardly know? Think we have done ok... but anyway, while we were out shopping we had to stop by a couple of baby departments for a gift (not for Miss F!!)and while wording this might be hard and it might sound strange, I was able to look at things and think of another baby... not like someone else's baby (they're great too of course), but our own baby, our next one, whenever a next one comes... and it also made me begin to think about a next one... as in what will it be? What will it look like, what will the pregnancy be like... all those things that I wondered before I got pregnant with Lily, and while I was pregnant of course... it was nice though to be able to look at things again and almost be kind of excited about buying them again... and while it sucks that it won't be for Lily... we will have another baby one day and that is just as exciting as it was when we were trying for Lily, and when we were pregnant with Lily, and while we had Lily... it doesn't ever mean that we replace Lily, just like a 2nd child is never a replacement of the first! Another baby will be a different baby, a different child with a different personality... get what I mean? I look forward to that, it is the excitement that I think should be felt (or more!) around every pregnancy, every baby... doesn't mean there is never fear or apprehension and all those things, but they should still be exciting...

I was thinking today, there are so many children, babies that are unwanted... and that is, to me, an extremely sad thing! Every child should KNOW they are wanted and that they are loved! I am not saying every pregnancy needs to be planned, that's not what I mean, even an unplanned pregnancy, a "mistake" can be turned around into a baby that is wanted and loved! I have seen it, and I really admire these people! But you see kids that are put up with rather than enjoyed, and kids that aren't even put up with... :( A child/baby should NEVER have to experience that! NEVER. and it really makes me sad!! That was the only 'bad' thought from today... it is just extremely sad, as an understatement.

On another note, have you ever listened to the song Aint nothing gonna break my stride... or whatever it is called? It goes "Aint nothing gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no, I got to keep on moving"... I used to really like that song, and while I don't think it is a bad song or anything, I was listening to it today and I thought, it's not true... I have learned that there ARE things that "break your stride" and slow you down, but you know what? That's ok! You don't have to 'just keep moving', it is ok for things to affect you so much that you pause, that you slow down a bit... and you know what else, sometimes your stride does change, and that is ok too! Does that make sense? Well that is my take on that anyway... doesn't mean it is the same for everyone... but I think it is kind of unrealistic to expect that you can just go through life and nothing affects you enough to make you pause... 

Anyway, I am going to bed... it has been a good weekend! Roll on next weekend! Hahaha

I am thankful for...

~*~ Phil's birthday... so I didn't have to cook dinner! Thanks Pip! ~*~

And the positive of the day...

~*~ Who could go past the baby snuggles... both the crying ones and the sleepy ones... ~*~

I am looking forward to a great week ahead! :D

Sarah.

1 July 2011

Oh my, July already! Half way through the year!

Ok so it has been a few days since I have posted... that is because life is pretty uneventful! Well that and I am just so tired I can't be bothered posting! But just as an update, things are going well. I am back into my work and am loving it! We still have the kids living with us, and not much has happened for them really... there was a family group conference this week but haven't heard whether anything was achieved in it... they have been with us for 6 weeks now... it is like they have been with us for a lot longer, but also only a short time!  They are great kids and we are loving having them.

This week has been a good week really. Monday (or Tuesday?) I was pretty tired and was a bit of a mess but the next day was another day and was much better, it was just one of those days... you have good days and bad days at the best of times! It only makes sense to continue to have them even in harder times! Today though was a little hard in a way that did relate to Lily... 2 things, 1 - one of the kids had a dummy that was the same as one we had purchased for Lily... I know that might sound strange, but I just saw it and thought of Lily, but not really in a sad way, just a "I got one of those for Lily and she never got to use it"... the other thing was some people were discussing their littlies sleep patterns and routines and I was just watching thinking, I wish I could contribute to that conversation... I wish I could talk about a night with Lily... it's not that I don't want people to talk about it around me, I normally don't mind at all, and normally I am interested in how nights have gone for people, so if that's you, don't stop talking to me about your own baby, I do still care about you and yours and I do still want to hear it... I think this week, just being more tired has made me a bit more sensitive... it is strange how some very random things won't effect you one day, but does another day...

Am looking forward to a weekend... tomorrow night we are going out for Luke's work I believe... bowling and dinner? Will be good to get out, even if it is with people I don't know well so makes for a very awkward Sarah! hahaha

Anyway, I am thankful for...

~*~ These kids we have with us... they are awesome kids who we love having! We have learned a lot from having them, and from them themselves. Will be strange when they are gone! ~*~

And the positive for the day...

~*~ Dinner :D Thanks Luke, it was yum! ~*~

Sarah.

27 June 2011

The photo is the one of the very first photos we have of Lily... from when she looked almost like a tadpole! Hahaha was cute even then! 

Today kind of feels like a real mess. Nothing really happened today... I am just mentally exhausted I think... most the day I was fine but there were a few times that I just wanted to break down in tears... nothing would even need to have happened, I just wanted to cry... I guess it was just one of those days... it isn't like I was upset about anything, I wasn't upset over Lily, I wasn't thinking about losing her or anything that would explain it, was just emotional. The grief counselor we spoke to talked about the amount of things you can cope with used to be like this much <---------------------> but now is only this much <-----> and it doesn't have to seem related or even relevant, it is just how it is at the moment. And I guess there is a new "limit", at least for now, and I am still learning it. But tomorrow is another day... and I am sure it will be a better one... after some sleep and rest. Early to bed maybe.


As a side note, above, instead of writing "thinking about losing her" I almost wrote "thinking about everything I lost" but I can't think of it like that, I DON'T think of it like that, because while I lost a lot when I lost Lily, I really gained much, MUCH more when I had her! It totally overpowers anything I lost!

Ok so a blah day, but one positive of the day was...
~*~ Coming home to a house that was reasonably clean after my darling hubby worked on it ~*~


And I am thankful for...
~*~ My mother in law and sister in law - thanks for looking after the kids while Luke was out and I had a staff meeting! You're awesome! ~*~


Sarah.

25 June 2011

Today was crazy! Good crazy, just busy. Had Jungle Rumble on today... a free kids event we put on at church that runs 10-2. It went really well, just very tired now!

On another note... a lot of things changed when we had Lily, and most of it was good, but there are some things that changed or happened that wasn't/isn't so good, but they seem to me, completely unrelated! Such as the anxiety and panic attacks I experienced... thankfully I haven't had any of that for awhile now but today i realised something else that has changed that I hope changes back... I don't really know how to explain it properly but it is like very little seems important any more... or maybe I just don't have the same motivation I used to have... I'm not sure...


There are still things that are extremely important to me... yeah I think it is better explained as a lack of motivation for things... I used to love being involved in lots of things and loved being part of the organising things... but now, it is almost like I couldn't care less... I don't think it is as bad or as serious as it might sound... I am just struggling to be excited,or even keen to be involved in the things I was involved in... maybe it is just because I am out of habit, I haven't been involved in the kids programme at church all year (other than events like this). Maybe once I actually get back into it and am fully involved again I might feel differently... I hope it changes, because I know I enjoy being involved in things...

Don't get me wrong, it is not like I am unhappy, or that I sit at home all lonely or sulking at all... it just takes more work to be involved, like forcing myself to instead of jumping at the chance... one thing that hasn't changed is my love and passion for kids and wanting to work with them in many different contexts and ways and helping out where ever I can when I can... and also my desire to help people in any way I can. It is a strange feeling to know that you can be changed in ways you don't think about... but to me, I figure if I can recognise it, I can do something about it... I can work on getting involved even if I am not naturally motivated to do so...


Anyway, today I am thankful for...
~*~ Wonderfully behaved children! F and J were fantastically behaved today and even helped during the 2 hour cleanup! I am thankful for that! ~*~


and the positive of the day...
~*~ A fantastic Jungle Rumble, what an amazing team to be a part of! ~*~


Sarah.

24 June 2011

Well I survived my first week back at work... and better than survived, I enjoyed it, I like being back, it is kind of like coming home. Yeah it has been hard at times, but it has also been really good. 

I have been asked whether it is now hard to work with kids like I do after loosing Lily, and so far (though it is only week one) I have actually found it easier than I thought it would be! Who knows why. But I think seeing the kids and babies has helped... I really don't know how to explain it at all... maybe it is because it gives me the opportunity to hold a child/baby, or be with a child/baby like I wish I was at this time with Lily... not that the other children are there filling her shoes, or that it is any thing like having my own child to hold, but it has helped I think. 

There have only been a handful of times this week that I have wanted to run but instead just stepped back or closed my eyes and taken a deep breath or two. But I got through the week and I got through ok... I haven't run screaming, I haven't tried to hide away and I haven't given up... I am able to go back each day without worry and still looking forward to each day and the fun I will have in a job I love.

Tonight I got to hold a gorgeous baby girl and it was the hardest time I have had holding a baby since having Lily... I don't know why, I have held her before, and I have held a few babies since Lily (its amazing how babies seem to come in groups!) but this time was harder for some reason... who knows why. Its not that I looked at her and thought of Lily, it's not that I broke down or lost the plot or anything like that... I just held her and had to hold back the tears but I can't explain why because I don't know the reason. I enjoyed holding her, there was just a sadness, but it wasn't a sadness that came from deep thought or even any thoughts... it just was. But you know what? It's moments like those that my heart still swells and reminds me how much I love the little girl I lost... that it can still hurt, that she is still there in my every step, my every moment, without me having to actually, consciously think about her... It isn't that I have forgotten her! Or that I don't think about it, or that I don't think I loved her... because I could never begin to describe the love I have for her, even though I have lost her (well not really lost, I know where she is)... but the moments that it hurts without thoughts, or even just when my heart tugs a bit, I realise how deep she is embedded in who I am and my daily life. So while moments are hard, they are ok... it is ok to feel how I feel, it is ok to still hurt a bit... but each time it hurts, I am pretty good at being able to turn it round and remember why it hurts... it hurts because I lost someone who I love very much, and that was my daughter... and that thought is happier... I had a baby, I had a daughter, I still have a daughter... she doesn't stop being mine just because she isn't here... so those sad thoughts lead to happy thoughts, and happy memories... holding another baby can remind me of holding Lily, and the fact that I will never hold her again, but it also reminds me that I got to hold her, I got to hold my perfect angel in my arms for her whole life and tell her I love her... not everyone who looses a baby gets that opportunity... I did. I got to have her kick my insides all around and play music on my ribs! I only got to hold her in my arms for a very short time, but I got to carry her in my womb for 36ish weeks... and I will now carry her in my heart and in my thoughts for the rest of my life.

I am lucky, I am blessed, I am loved and I love.

Positive of the day...

~*~ Holding that baby girl and the feelings that came with it and realising how Lily has become a part of my every minute whether I am aware of it or not ~*~

I am thankful for...
~*~ The chance to carry my girl for 36 ish weeks and then to hold her in my arms ~*~

Sarah.