Tuesday, August 9, 2011

9 August 2011

Today was a tough day... well the afternoon was anyway... I was on my break and for some reason suddenly thought "I wish I had held Lily more"... don't know where the thought came from, it just came... and then it kind of hit me the magnitude of what we have been through this year... I don't really know how to explain it! But I was suddenly looking back and thinking "How on earth did I do that?"... 

I seemed to understand better then what I wish I understood now... I can still say the words, but the feeling isn't behind them now. - Although all we had with us was Lily's body, I wish I had spent more time holding it. I wish I had never put her down! I wish she had always been in someones arms, if not in mine then in the arms of someone else who loved her... I wish I had not laid her in her casket until the end! I really wish I had planned earlier what we would do once she was at home, so that we could have really thought about what we wanted to do, what we wanted her dressed in, whether we would have put her in a bassinet instead of the casket at home... but she came early,  and instead of it being organised, there was shock and chaos, and things weren't thought about... I know I can't change anything, and I don't blame any one... it's just things I was looking back at and could see how I would do them differently... but things were done and it was just amazing, we had and still have, incredible support and amazing people who helped us to organise a beautiful send off and just general amazingness! I just was looking back today and realised how hard it really was... I would never expect someone to make the decisions we did in the time we did, or to do things that we had to do... not saying no one else has had to do it, I know people have! I just mean I... I dunno what I mean really, it is something I don't think you can even begin to understand unless you have been there! Yes you can show sympathy and you can be an amazing support to people who are going through it, but you really can't imagine even a small portion of what it is like. Because Lily came early, we had 1 day to decide whether we wanted medical intervention when she was born even though there was very little hope... I had my baby and then a matter or hours later had to choose between taking her home and having her body with us for a few more hours, or giving her away for a night with a chance that we would have her body with us for longer... it's things like this that should be talked about, decided, I didn't want someone to make the decisions for me, and I found that when someone did try to I often found I wanted something different, which helped me make up my mind! But these things weren't talked about because they weren't thought about till afterwards, I know we did a lot of things differently, I just wished there had been people, stories, a book/pamphlet that gave other points of view, stories of how others had done it, successfully and differently... to be offered a different way of doing things...

I look back and wonder how we did it... how I gave my baby away for that first night... how when I got her back I was able to put her down, how I could sleep while she lay in another room. How I didn't just loose the plot and run away with my baby and not give her up!

I think I understood then a lot more than I do now! I don't know how that works, but when we were going through it, I understood that what I had was only a body, it wasn't all of Lily, but merely a shell, and while I cherished the time I got with her body even after she had passed, I understood that was I was holding wasn't all of my baby, there was MUCH more and the majority of what would make her who she was, wasn't in my arms, so I knew I didn't NEED to hold on to her physical form... but now I wish I had, but I also know that I could have held her for the whole time I had her and it would still not have been enough... no time short of a long life would be enough! 

I haven't had a day like this for awhile, but today I just looked back on the past months and thought "How have I got through this? How does any one get through it?" I know I am ok, I know this hasn't crippled me, yes it has changed me... but because I can still look at photos of Lily and smile and continue to see how much she brought to my life whether she is here now or not. When I can look back at it and still know it was worth it, and that if I had the chance to do it over, I would, that's how I know I am ok!

I am rambling, I haven't re read this so I actually have no idea how much sense it makes... I miss Lily more than anything! But that will always be! I don't want to ever stop missing her! Just today was a harder day than normal.