Saturday, April 2, 2016

I love those reminders on Facebook about what you posted this day in previous years. It is always interesting to look back on and especially for me, around this time when, 5 years ago, losing Lily was still so fresh. I feel I knew and understood more then than I do now! Anyway, 5 years ago I posted this and it is still as true today as it was then. Having Lily was a very special time in our lives and we often speak of it in this way as that is the part we chose to focus on, but it was also the hardest time of my life and the pain is always there, and always will be. If I had to, I would do it again, every moment was worth it, but losing your child is to lose a huge part of yourself and not something I would ever wish on anyone. But at the same time, I wouldn't give it up. The time we had with Lily was all we were ever going to get, and every moment was worth it. What she brought us, was worth the pain because it was so much more than pain. In the 8 months of Lily's life, she made me a mum and I had to play parts of that role in those short months that some mums (thankfully) never have to play, instead of having years to learn how to become the best mum I could, I had weeks and while my heart will always be broken and something will always be missing, I know I did everything I could for my daughter, I fought for her, I provided the best environment I could for her to thrive, I prayed for her, I cheered for her, I hoped for her and above all else, I loved her with every thing I have.

The end of the poem says "we never wanted memories, we only wanted you" and while that is true, I am also thankful for having the memories. Memories that remind me she is real, remind me of something so beautiful and so special, it broke my heart to say goodbye. Memories are all I can have now, and that's ok (today...)

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.