Monday, January 18, 2016

4 years since my last post.

So it has been 4 years since I last posted here, and my has life gone on but I will keep this simple. Today I went and stood out (in the rain) at Lily's grave, I had time to spare between finishing work and starting a meeting and her grave is nearby. When I first arrived I saw a new grave near our Lily's and my heart broke. My heart broke for the baby/child that lost its life, and my heart broke for the family who lost their child, so maybe that is why this visit became a sad one. As I stood before our sweet Lily's grave, this is what came out of me, today it was just one of those days, I stood there alone so I didn't have to hold it together for my kids, and the rain drowned out the crying.

My sweet Lily. 
It’s almost your birthday.
5 years, since I held you. In my body, in my arms.
5 years since we named you, and I gave you a piece of me, my middle name.

You were who you were. Most the time I understand that and wouldn’t change it for anything, but Lily, it hurts. 

Some days it’s too much. Some days you were too much to lose. Some days it’s just not ok.
I know you are healthy and I know you are whole. I know you are in a place of immense love, oh but my Lily how my arms ache for you.

What I wouldn’t give, to hold you one more time. To whisper I love you into your ear and to kiss you goodnight. I was only able to do it once, I kissed you good night, and that was it.

I never saw your eyes. I never saw your smile. I never heard you say ‘mum’, I never even heard you cry.
Some days Lily, losing you, it floods back.

I have Zeke and I have Annabelle and I wouldn’t give them up, but they continue to show me what I lost. Every time they smile, which they do so often, they smile all the time. Every time they laugh.
I cherish them, they are absolutely beautiful children and amazing gifts. But I still remember what I lost. I lost a life. I didn’t just lose a baby, I lost a toddler, I lost a child, a teenager, I lost an adult. I lost a whole life when I lost you.
Today that hurts.

Today I am selfish. Today I want you here. Today I want to hold you and never let you go.
Today, today you should be in my arms.
Today we should be getting you ready for school. Getting you books, paper, pens.
Instead, I stand before all I have left. It’s not enough. Some butterflies, a rainbow and a photo. It’s not enough.
Maybe it’s the rain, maybe it’s the tiredness, but today my sweet angel...

today, it hurts. 

Today it hurts.