24 June 2011

Well I survived my first week back at work... and better than survived, I enjoyed it, I like being back, it is kind of like coming home. Yeah it has been hard at times, but it has also been really good. 

I have been asked whether it is now hard to work with kids like I do after loosing Lily, and so far (though it is only week one) I have actually found it easier than I thought it would be! Who knows why. But I think seeing the kids and babies has helped... I really don't know how to explain it at all... maybe it is because it gives me the opportunity to hold a child/baby, or be with a child/baby like I wish I was at this time with Lily... not that the other children are there filling her shoes, or that it is any thing like having my own child to hold, but it has helped I think. 

There have only been a handful of times this week that I have wanted to run but instead just stepped back or closed my eyes and taken a deep breath or two. But I got through the week and I got through ok... I haven't run screaming, I haven't tried to hide away and I haven't given up... I am able to go back each day without worry and still looking forward to each day and the fun I will have in a job I love.

Tonight I got to hold a gorgeous baby girl and it was the hardest time I have had holding a baby since having Lily... I don't know why, I have held her before, and I have held a few babies since Lily (its amazing how babies seem to come in groups!) but this time was harder for some reason... who knows why. Its not that I looked at her and thought of Lily, it's not that I broke down or lost the plot or anything like that... I just held her and had to hold back the tears but I can't explain why because I don't know the reason. I enjoyed holding her, there was just a sadness, but it wasn't a sadness that came from deep thought or even any thoughts... it just was. But you know what? It's moments like those that my heart still swells and reminds me how much I love the little girl I lost... that it can still hurt, that she is still there in my every step, my every moment, without me having to actually, consciously think about her... It isn't that I have forgotten her! Or that I don't think about it, or that I don't think I loved her... because I could never begin to describe the love I have for her, even though I have lost her (well not really lost, I know where she is)... but the moments that it hurts without thoughts, or even just when my heart tugs a bit, I realise how deep she is embedded in who I am and my daily life. So while moments are hard, they are ok... it is ok to feel how I feel, it is ok to still hurt a bit... but each time it hurts, I am pretty good at being able to turn it round and remember why it hurts... it hurts because I lost someone who I love very much, and that was my daughter... and that thought is happier... I had a baby, I had a daughter, I still have a daughter... she doesn't stop being mine just because she isn't here... so those sad thoughts lead to happy thoughts, and happy memories... holding another baby can remind me of holding Lily, and the fact that I will never hold her again, but it also reminds me that I got to hold her, I got to hold my perfect angel in my arms for her whole life and tell her I love her... not everyone who looses a baby gets that opportunity... I did. I got to have her kick my insides all around and play music on my ribs! I only got to hold her in my arms for a very short time, but I got to carry her in my womb for 36ish weeks... and I will now carry her in my heart and in my thoughts for the rest of my life.

I am lucky, I am blessed, I am loved and I love.

Positive of the day...

~*~ Holding that baby girl and the feelings that came with it and realising how Lily has become a part of my every minute whether I am aware of it or not ~*~

I am thankful for...
~*~ The chance to carry my girl for 36 ish weeks and then to hold her in my arms ~*~

Sarah.