This is a hard post to write because I don't want to hurt anyone... but this blog is about being honest and the following is what I am feeling. I love the people involved in this post a lot! And I hope they understand where I am coming from and forgive me...
Tonight I am hurting again but I cant really explain why... Found out tonight that some people who are close to us are pregnant... and I have tried real hard just to be happy for them... but I feel like a terrible person because the feelings are instead ones of hurt, loss, jealousy and frustration. And it hurts more because I don't want to feel this way! I want to feel nothing but happiness for them, I want to be excited like I should be, like I would have been for them if we hadn't lost Lily...
It is really hard to explain, I am happy for them, there is just this pain as well and I don't want it to be there! But my pain isn't coming from missing Lily today... I still think of her and look at her photos and smile and am happy, I think it is just the situation that hurts... to be so desperately wanting a child and we lost our first... why us? Not that it should be any one! No one should have to go through this! So why did we have to? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the time I had with Lily, I appreciate the blessing she was to my life, and the gift, what a marvelous gift, and again, she was worth it... I wouldn't have done it differently if I could go back and do it again... I would carry her all over again even if I knew I would lose her after such a short time. Its just that I want to have my little girl here in my arms now, would much rather have to wake in the night to her crying out. Why when I have ALWAYS wanted nothing more than to be a mum, did I have it taken away? Here's hoping when we start trying for another one it doesn't take another year just to get pregnant!
So in summary, I am trying really hard to just be happy tonight, but I am hurting. And it hurts!
Sarah.
Huge hugs Sarah, I know exactly where you are coming from, I found it hard to be happy for people when they told me they were pregnant after I lost Thomas. The people mentioned in your post will totally understand. Huge hugs babe <3
ReplyDeleteHugs Sarah, after I misscarried which i know is not the same as losing a Precious little baby, I struggled to be happy for those who were close to me who got pregnant, It is fully understandable to be sad, know that there are people still thinking about you everyday. Your sharing is inspiring and God bless you for sharing your story. Lily was beautiful. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kim, yeah they may not understand what I am feeling they may understand why I am feeling it... if that makes sense...
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks "Anonymous" it is nice to know that what I am feeling is really part of what other people in the same or similar situations feel or felt. And it helps to know people still think of us and Lily. :)
Sarah i feel for you and i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better but there just isn't. It is ok for you to feel that way. I had three miscarriages before having my first and in that time people kept having babies around me and i felt hurt, upset, and jelous as i wished it was me having that baby. I hope it is your turn again somtime soon Sarah you are an amazing mum that was chosen especially for Lilys journey because only you would have been the perfect mum for her. You made it a comfortable and loving journey for her. I wish i had the power to say that it will happen soon and this time you will take your baby home and get to do all those things you missed out on with Lily, but i don't. I have a feeling it must be your turn soon though so hang in there and take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteKeep sharing your feelings and dont feel bad for them xo
Wow I guess the comment section is working again now! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks latest 'anonymous' for your kind message. Believe it or not it was perfectly timed and was exactly what I needed to hear at the time that I read it. It made me cry but thats ok :) So thanks.
I wish you (or anyone) had the power to tell me it will happen for us soon too! Would be great to be reassured that it will! lol
Aw Sarah <3 Whoever it is, I suspect I know from your post, but whoever it is, will understand... but right now, them understanding isnt really what the post is about, its about your feelings that are wrapped up in this, and ugh, I wish I could say something, anything, to make it hurt less, but I cant think of a thing... not one :( I do know that you were born to be a mother, and you are one now, you always be, and I hope your lives will be filled with the laughter of many children, your own, and others that you take in and care for... you are a special person Sarah, and Luke,... and I'm being positive right now, so I say you will have more, brothers or sisters for Lily, and she will watch them grow, and love them, and they will love her, because you will tell them all about her and her miracle story :D I think you and I might have to have beebies together sometime, so they can marry and become super heroes and save the world... I think it would be a good genetic mix ;) And that sounded way too wrong for this post lol, so Im gonna shut up now. Love you guys, you can slap me for my silly comments on Saturday!! Until then, feel all of the love around you, cry when you need to cry, smile when you need to smile, and don't be afraid to feel hurt or jealous, NO one would think it was the wrong way for you to feel, NO ONE. -Jennifer JC
ReplyDeleteThanks Jen, I know the post wasn't about them understanding or not, but it is hard to admit that instead of just feeling happy and excited for someone I love to bits, I feel hurt and all that instead... it is one thing to feel it and feel terrible for it, but to admit it out loud, for them to read, it was just a hard post to put up, hard to admit to them and the world :(
ReplyDeleteAs for our kiddies marrying... with the combined smarts, creativity and weirdness... nothing could go wrong! :D