Did you know, today is International Midwives Day? Well I do :) So HAPPY MIDWIFE DAY to any midwife out there, but especially our fantastic midwife! AMAZING :D (the picture I posted is just one I found when I googled "cartoon midwife" and I thought it was funny!)

Anyway, today we had an appointment at the hospital... all very exciting... NOT! We turned up just in time for the appointment but they were running late... understandable, not a problem... but then we waited for an HOUR for what turned out to be a fairly useless 10 minute meeting! Ok well it wasn't really useless I guess... just short for such a long wait! Basically they told us that they don't have any answers to why Lily had the complications she did but they don't expect it would happen again, seems our risk is only slightly higher than any other pregnancy... but we knew all that really from our midwife. But they did tell us that in a future pregnancy they would be doing more scans, and earlier more for just our piece of mind so we are not having to wait until the 20 weeks scan to find out how our baby is doing... they said they can see all the chambers of the heart at 15 weeks, so would scan us then, and then again scan at 18 weeks to check the diaphragm... all I really took from that is "I get to see my next baby lots too!!!" which is cool... I LOVED scans with Lily... I knew they were going to be giving us bad news each time, but just watching my baby on screen, and being able to feel her move all at the same time was amazing and so much fun! We really got to see her personality come out in some of those scans! Little monkey!

One thing the meeting did kind of do for me was make me think of future pregnancies and how things could go wrong... I think it is an understanding you only have if you have lost a baby... probably at any stage of pregnancy... sure you know the risks when you are pregnant, but until you have lost one I don't think you really quite realise what it means, and then they give you all the statistics about how many babies are lost at different times during pregnancy... is just so extremely sad!

One thing I have found hard today is thinking of our future children... or even just our next one... not that things could go wrong, because even if they did I know they would be worth it, just like Lily was! But because while Luke and I are both more than ready to be parents and there is nothing, NOTHING we want more than that... I can't help feeling that it would seem like we are trying to replace Lily... which we are not ever going to do! She is totally irreplaceable! But if she was still with us we wouldn't even be talking about next children yet, but we are talking about them and sometimes that hurts too... does that make sense? It can be hard to try and put some pretty intense feelings into words! I am looking forward to any future babies, and getting to know them... even pregnancy, despite all the stuff involved with the pregnancy with Lily, I loved being pregnant, having her growing inside of me, and I look forward to having her little brother or sister grow inside me too and getting to know them like we did with Lily, but there is this feeling lingering, like we are betraying Lily to be talking about another baby so soon...

Other than those thoughts and emotions, today has been a good day. Luke was off work because of our meeting at the hospital so we got to "hang out" some which was cool, then I got some more knitting done (man I am such a Nana!) and then we went for a very yummy dinner at our amazing friends place that I feel like we haven't seen for ages! Thanks Pip and Phil! And I managed to win 2 different things off the radio... I never win anything so to win 2 totally different things in one day... pretty cool... ok so one I can't use (Auckland based) but I was able to give away! I love giving things away! :D

Today I am thankful for...
~*~ Having a husband who can make me laugh so hard I almost cry! There was A LOT of laughter throughout the day today... Love you Luke!! ~*~

And the positive of the day...
~*~ The lawns outside our house (roadside) have been mowed (or mown... which word is right?) which means when I go for a walk tomorrow my shoes and socks shouldn't get so wet!!!!! Thank you council lawn mower man (or woman...)! ~*~

Sarah. :)