10 May 2011

Overall another good day today... nothing very exciting unfortunately... must get out of the house tomorrow I think... but nah it was a good day.

The only problem with such an uneventful day by myself is there is a lot of time to think. And while nothing was overwhelming there was just a lot of thinking. For example, thinking about all these people around me (who I love and am happy for don't get me wrong) having babies in the next few weeks... these babies that I am very much looking forward to meeting, but I also know that it will be hard, it is hard now...

Today I was putting away some more of the stuff we had for Lily and I was looking at some clothes and wished I could hold her in my arms again, and then realised that I actually had to think hard to remember what it felt like to hold her... and to remember the feeling as I looked down at my beautiful daughter for the first time and for all the time I had her... the feeling physically, mentally and emotionally... and it scared me that I had to think about it to remember it... It's not like I have forgotten Lily... NEVER will I forget her... and she is still in my thoughts all the time, it is more like the grief of these last couple of months has overshadowed the real feelings and joy of the time I had with her... I could say all the words and remember her and KNOW she had brought me great happiness and joy and KNOW she was a huge blessing... I was able to celebrate her life, I could laugh (probably most of the time half heartedly) at the stories she has given me that are funny... especially the birth which while I always knew it was funny... could only really half heartedly laugh at it... but today I FELT it again... I felt the happiness and joy, I felt what it was like to hold her and meet her...I FELT what Lily had given to me... stuff that has been over shadowed and over powered by all this other stuff... but today I felt it again! I don't mention love because my love for Lily was never over powered or over shadowed, I always remembered the love I had for her, I could always FEEL the love I had for her... without feeling that love, I wouldn't be able to feel the incredible pain... if that makes sense...

If I close my eyes, I can picture her in my arms and see how her mouth moved as she took those few but precious breaths. I haven't been able to see that until now... I don't know why... and while it still brings tears to my eyes... and it is still sad... it will always be sad! But to FEEL that happiness and joy again and to remember what it was like to hold her, my precious, beautiful, first born baby, Lily, my joy!

So today I am thankful for...
~*~ The time I had with Lily... it will never be enough... but I am thankful for the time I had...~*~

And obviously my positive thing is going to be
~*~ Feeling the happiness and joy again. ~*~

Sarah. :)