Another day of mixed emotions... I guess these are going to be common for awhile! But overall a positive day so not much to talk about! I was reading through some leaflets and books that I have been given to read recently, and there is some good stuff around that has made me realise that what I am feeling is 'normal' in a sense... and in a way, thats a comfort... if that makes any sense at all.
But I have also started to realise, that while people around us have shown amazing love and support, I understand that a lot of people don't know how to react or what to say... but I want people to know that thats ok! I don't expect any one to have a magic answer for all this... all I ask is that you don't avoid me! Make small talk... that is fine with me, I can do small talk most the time! Even ask questions if you want, I am happy to talk about Lily, in fact, I love to talk about her!... even if I get a bit teary, it's ok!... But please don't avoid me!
In one of the leaflet things we were given from SANDS had a thing called "After I've lost my baby... please..." here is what it says...
After I've lost my baby... please...
* DON'T ignore me because you are uncomfortable with the subject of death ... it makes me wonder if what happened to me means nothing to you
* DO hug me, and tell me that you care and that you are sorry this has happened.
* DO acknowledge my pain, even if you think I shouldn't be feeling it because I've lost 'only a baby'.
* DON'T expect me to be 'over this' in a month (or maybe even a year or two): Losing a baby is one of the most difficult of all life's experiences and the depth of my grief will shock even me as it returns in waves over and over again, long after everyone else has forgotten.
* If you haven't yet called, tell me you are sorry, that you just didn't know what to say, but DON'T say that you've been too busy! This has been an extremely large event in my life and it hurts to hear it has been so low on your priority list that you couldn't spare a five or ten minute phone call.
* If you invite me for lunch in the midst of my grief, DO expect me to talk about my loss. It is all I am thinking about anyway and I need to talk it out.
* Don't change the subject if I should start crying. Tears (and talking about it) are the healthiest way for me to release this intense emotion.
* Don't expect that because "she is with Jesus" that it is all that should matter (i.e. I should not be hurting). I do believe she is, and I am thankful for that, but my arms ache to hold her here and I miss her!
* DON'T say "better luck next time" or "you can have another one"... To me she was and is a very special, unique person and there is NO WAY she can ever be replaced! Besides, you don't know if there ever will be a next time - I don't either and that is a pain all it's own)
* DON'T forget to ask my husband how he is doing too! He also lost a daughter he was eagerly awaiting and if you ignore his hurt it says to him that his pain shouldn't exist and doesn't matter.
* If I snap at you for saying and of these things (or anything else), please DO forgive me and try to understand it came from intense pain! Your dog might bite you when you try to pick him up at the side of the road after he's been hit by a car - that wouldn't mean he hates you or is ungrateful, just that he's been hurt and your touch, well intentioned though it be, has added more pain.
* DO be available to me often if you can, and let me talk or cry without judging me. Saying "don't be angry" is like saying "don't be thirsty" - my feelings are part of a normal grief response and I will work through them quicker and easier if you aren't judgemental.
* Just love me and I will always remember you as a true friend!
Anyway, my positive thing from today...
~*~ Going in to work today... while in one sense it was rather hard... I really miss everyone there so it was good to see people again! ~*~
Beautiful....I remember reading similar words when a friends precious baby past away. I hope in remembering bits and pieces of it, i've been able to say the right thing once or twice :) You are such an amazingly courageous woman and it has been a huge blessing for all of us, to have you share this journey with everyone around you. Suffering is something that is often brushed under the carpet, people feel that it can be 'prayed away'.. but sometimes, life just sucks, it's hard and you and Luke, of all people, would understand that right now. I pray for you often, that you would know Gods peace and courage as you continue to weather this storm. Suffering is inevitable though you continue to serve God and seek His will so valiantly, which amazes me. Through this hard time, I will continue to pray for your strength but most all, celebrate and give thanks for Lily's life and the blessing that she has been, only testament to the amazing parents that she has :) Smooches, Jessica J . xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah, it was really good to read your words this morning. I will admit that I am one of those people that would rather avoid talking sometimes when I don't know what the right thing is to say. It was good to hear how you are feeling, and I think that this site is a great idea.
ReplyDeleteHope you had a good time seeing everyone at work, the kids will have been stoked to see you! Lots of love and thinking of you, Meegs