Surprises of grief

When I look back to 5 years ago and the memories surrounding our time with Lily there is much that I remember, both good and bad, and the grief of losing a baby, that never goes away and I am often surprised at when it comes back with force, but reading back on my posts from that time, I realise there is so much I don't remember.

5 years ago, here, I wrote about not being able to understand what grief was doing in my life at the time, the panic I was feeling at different aspects of my life that had, in the past, been perfectly normal tasks, simple things like going to the supermarket.

If you asked me to talk about what grief felt like for me and what I experienced, I would tell you about discovering that 'heartbreak' was a physical feeling, not just an emotional one, I might tell you about my experience of the emotional roller coaster that I had never experienced before, or the feeling of seeing people when I was out walking, or about specific events that I remember, like the Balloons over Waikato night glow festival that happened not long after I had Lily where I made it through without breaking down by imagining what fireworks must look like from heaven, perfection right? I might even try to explain the feeling of the first time going to the movies after we lost Lily, but the anxiety and panic over everyday things is not something that springs to mind.

Grief is such an individual journey and everyone experiences it differently, but reading todays 5 year ago blog reminds me how far I have come, grief never goes away but it does stop being the all consuming feeling that it is at the beginning. It still jumps out at me at times and I do still break down and cry and that heart break feeling, it is just as powerful as that first day, but over the past 5 years, without even trying, I have found ways to cope, to carry the grief without letting it consume me.

Zeke, almost 4, talks so often about Lily and every time he mentions her name my heart flutters and I feel like we have done something right in keeping her memory alive and her place in our family is never diminished. He talks about her like he knew her, like he met her and held her. He talks about her as his sister and says things like he wishes she didn't die, he wishes she was here and for him that's not a depressing statement, it's a beautiful statement of a boy who just wishes he could spend time with a member of his family.

I love those reminders on Facebook about what you posted this day in previous years. It is always interesting to look back on and especially for me, around this time when, 5 years ago, losing Lily was still so fresh. I feel I knew and understood more then than I do now! Anyway, 5 years ago I posted this and it is still as true today as it was then. Having Lily was a very special time in our lives and we often speak of it in this way as that is the part we chose to focus on, but it was also the hardest time of my life and the pain is always there, and always will be. If I had to, I would do it again, every moment was worth it, but losing your child is to lose a huge part of yourself and not something I would ever wish on anyone. But at the same time, I wouldn't give it up. The time we had with Lily was all we were ever going to get, and every moment was worth it. What she brought us, was worth the pain because it was so much more than pain. In the 8 months of Lily's life, she made me a mum and I had to play parts of that role in those short months that some mums (thankfully) never have to play, instead of having years to learn how to become the best mum I could, I had weeks and while my heart will always be broken and something will always be missing, I know I did everything I could for my daughter, I fought for her, I provided the best environment I could for her to thrive, I prayed for her, I cheered for her, I hoped for her and above all else, I loved her with every thing I have.

The end of the poem says "we never wanted memories, we only wanted you" and while that is true, I am also thankful for having the memories. Memories that remind me she is real, remind me of something so beautiful and so special, it broke my heart to say goodbye. Memories are all I can have now, and that's ok (today...)

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.
~~~~Unknown~~~~

5 years ago today, more than 3 weeks before she was even due to be born, we said our final goodbye to our beautiful baby and used her funeral to celebrate her short life.

We were lucky enough to have been able to have an open casket (she wasn't embalmed) until just before we left for the church. People had left notes and small gifts for Lily and when we closed the lid on her casket, you should have seen how much love was physically surrounding her! She was dressed in a beautiful hand knitted cardi and booties, wrapped in an amazingly beautiful crochet, mohair blanket, there was a book written and illustrated for her (and us) in there, a special rosary, letters, my first attempts at knitting hats (not on her head though because her hair was so beautiful I didn't want to cover it!), small soft toys, and jewellery.

Her casket was white, the front had a picture her great grandmother painted for her on it of a water lily and all over the rest of it were messages of love from people who had come by while we had her at home. She was 100% encased with love.

Lily travelled in our car, her Grannies had lovingly decorated the back of our station wagon so she had a special spot. I don’t really remember much of the service in detail, I remember Luke and I carrying Lily in to the Bruno Mars song “Just the way you are”, a song I will never hear without thinking of our Lily. I remember being amazed at how many people came, and we had my brother and sister in law who were in Scotland attending via Skype!

We were, and still are, lucky to be surrounded by some pretty amazing people and we received a lot of love and support. Lily was carried out of the church by her grandparents, as people walked out they were given a helium balloon and once we were all outside these were released, there were more than 160 colourful balloons released at the church and it was beautiful to watch! They even formed a heart shape as they flew away.

Then we took her to the cemetery where she was lowered onto a bed of flowers and petals before releasing another 30 odd balloons. All flew away except a small pink one which stayed behind, it hung around for awhile, then with some encouragement it flew away in a completely different direction to the others and even the clouds formed a heart for it to fly through.

These heart formations would be pretty beautiful anyway, but it was extra special because our Lily had been born with half a heart.

And while that was one of the hardest days of my life, it was a beautiful send off and a very special time. 

A tattoo

I got a tattoo today :) I have never planned on having a tattoo, never knew of anything I would permanently want on me then I saw a tattoo of the name 'Lily' somewhere and I LOVED it. And I thought it would be nice to have one, it didn't look like this, it just made me think. 

I really love this tattoo (which is just as well!) and am very glad I got it! I don't plan on getting any more though! Ouch!

Happy 5th Birthday

My dear Lily Tyne,
Today is a hard one, probably the hardest one yet, maybe because you are now the big 5 but we don’t get to help you do all the things we normally would when someone turns 5?
As I have always said, I would do it all again even if we knew how it would end, you were worth it! And I have come to realise, if I could do it again, there isn’t much (in my control) that I would even change! But if I could do it again, I wouldn’t put you down, I would ensure you were always in the arms of someone who loved you, until the very last moment. I know no amount of holding you would have been enough, but I don’t know why I let you lie there.
I don’t’ know how you celebrate birthdays in heaven, but I hope there is someone there today to give you an extra big cuddle and kiss from me.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about you. Zeke has been talking about you a lot too, he drew a very cool picture of you the other day, did you see it?
Today I really wish I could hold you tight and wish you happy birthday, but instead I will whisper it in the wind and blow kisses extra hard in hopes they make it all the way to you.
You changed our lives and made me a mum. I will forever be thankful for the privilege of having you in our lives. How lucky we were to have something that made saying goodbye so hard!
Happy birthday my precious angel, you are always in my heart.
I love you.
Mum x

I wonder...

I wonder, if you knew your time was very limited, what would you change about your life in the time you had left? What would you want to do before you said goodbye to your loved ones, and this world, for the last time? Maybe doctors give you 6 months, maybe a year, maybe 2, would you live your life differently knowing it would soon be over?

It's something I have been pondering tonight, not in a morbid way, just in a thoughtful, challenging way. 

What would I do? I have no idea, I know I haven't achieved all I want to, but I don't know what I want to achieve. Of course I want to raise my kids, watch them grow up and be there for their adult years too, but there is more I want to achieve, I want to make a difference in this world, but I have not yet figured how exactly what difference, or how! All I can do is hope and pray the end doesn't come for me before I figure it out!

What would you do?

4 years since my last post.

So it has been 4 years since I last posted here, and my has life gone on but I will keep this simple. Today I went and stood out (in the rain) at Lily's grave, I had time to spare between finishing work and starting a meeting and her grave is nearby. When I first arrived I saw a new grave near our Lily's and my heart broke. My heart broke for the baby/child that lost its life, and my heart broke for the family who lost their child, so maybe that is why this visit became a sad one. As I stood before our sweet Lily's grave, this is what came out of me, today it was just one of those days, I stood there alone so I didn't have to hold it together for my kids, and the rain drowned out the crying.

My sweet Lily. 

It’s almost your birthday.

5

5 years, since I held you. In my body, in my arms.

5 years since we named you, and I gave you a piece of me, my middle name.

You were who you were. Most the time I understand that and wouldn’t change it for anything, but Lily, it hurts. 

Some days it’s too much. Some days you were too much to lose. Some days it’s just not ok.

I know you are healthy and I know you are whole. I know you are in a place of immense love, oh but my Lily how my arms ache for you.

What I wouldn’t give, to hold you one more time. To whisper I love you into your ear and to kiss you goodnight. I was only able to do it once, I kissed you good night, and that was it.

I never saw your eyes. I never saw your smile. I never heard you say ‘mum’, I never even heard you cry.

Some days Lily, losing you, it floods back.

I have Zeke and I have Annabelle and I wouldn’t give them up, but they continue to show me what I lost. Every time they smile, which they do so often, they smile all the time. Every time they laugh.

I cherish them, they are absolutely beautiful children and amazing gifts. But I still remember what I lost. I lost a life. I didn’t just lose a baby, I lost a toddler, I lost a child, a teenager, I lost an adult. I lost a whole life when I lost you.

Today that hurts.

Today I am selfish. Today I want you here. Today I want to hold you and never let you go.

Today, today you should be in my arms.

Today we should be getting you ready for school. Getting you books, paper, pens.

Instead, I stand before all I have left. It’s not enough. Some butterflies, a rainbow and a photo. It’s not enough.

Maybe it’s the rain, maybe it’s the tiredness, but today my sweet angel...

today, it hurts. 

Today it hurts.

4 December 2011

IT'S A BOY!


So after a scan at 16 weeks we are excited to announce we are having a boy! It is exciting knowing what we are having! Didn't matter if it was a boy or girl, just fantastic knowing! Now let the shopping begin!


This is a very different pregnancy to my last one! I am already a lot more uncomfortable than I ever remember being last time! But it is of course all worth it in the end! 

2 November 2011

 Had our 12 week scan today! Very exciting! I have been able to listen to our baby's heartbeat on my doppler at home for the past 5 days or so which meant I wasn't worried whether the heart was beating at this scan... so much more enjoyable! 

To the left is our babies arms in what looks to me like a karate move...

This pic is of our baby's brain... but all Luke and I see is a butterfly... hmmm

Despite asking, she wouldn't even look to see if she could tell the sex of bubba... :( think she was scared she might be wrong! But she made up for it! I asked at what stage they would be able to see all 4 chambers of the heart, the diaphragm and how many vessels in the cord... She said heart and diaphragm are normally about 16 weeks... but checked the cord straight away and it had 3 vessels which is good :)

Then she said she would try to check the heart and diaphragm but wasn't sure what she would be able to see... didn't help that our bubs just wouldn't stop moving! Was rolling all over the place and flipping back and forth! Very entertaining for us! But after awhile she was able to see a perfect diaphragm and then a perfect looking heart! So yay!

We get to go back in about 4 weeks (at 16 weeks) just to double check the heart and diaphragm really :) I look forward to it! LOVE scans!

18 October 2011

10 weeks... I am currently 10 weeks 2 days pregnant, I had forgotten how slow the first 12 weeks is!!! We had a scan yesterday, just to check everything was fine and it was :) Bubs was measuring bang on and heart rate was perfect :) We get another scan in a couple of weeks... the normal 12 week one... I love scans!

It is a bit more real now that I have seen bubs again. I have been a lot more nervous so far in this pregnancy than I was with Lily... It doesn't stop me being excited! just more aware of what could happen... So it is great to have scans and see that bubs is fine :) 

This pregnancy is quite different from my pregnancy with Lily so far! I am A LOT more tired! I also seem to have an extreme sense of smell which is not too bad until you mix it with this all day nausea I have! And then top it all off with headaches! It is just as well it will all be worth it! That is what gets me through :) Oh and did I mention a lactose intolerance? Not a major one, but one that has me using special milk and actually watching some of what I eat! lol

On another note (but still baby related) a close friend of mine who is pregnant had a scare and I won't go into details but there was the slight possibility that she could have ended up having her baby early... like 24 weeks. Thankfully it didn't happen and hopefully won't happen! But the thought was there and just that small possibility... that is a scary thing to have to think about, the possibility of having your baby too early and possibly loosing your baby? 

The interesting part was my thoughts, when I heard the possibility was there I thought, What a horrible thing to have to face, I can't even imagine what it must feel like to face the possibility of loosing your baby! It wasn't till about an hour later that I thought, hang on, I have been there... I mean no two persons feelings and thoughts are going to be the same even in the exact same situation, but I have faced the possibility and then the reality of loosing my baby too soon, I don't have to try to imagine, I've done it.

It's not that I have forgotten about Lily, or what I went through, it is that now when I think of Lily, I actually DON'T think about what I lost, I don't think about all the hard stuff, all the sad things and how hard it was... instead all I really think about is the love, the love I felt for her, the love Luke felt for her, the love others felt for her, the love others showed us, the support we got. They JOY she brought into our lives! She will always be our first born, and she was worth it. When I think of Lily I think of the baby I held in my arms, even if only for a short time. I think of her nose and lips. How she came out so different to what they expected. She came out perfect. That is what I think of when I think of Lily. It was nice to realise I had come to this place.

So that is pretty much life at the moment. We still have the kids staying with us, it has been 5 months now... a stay that was only meant to be 4 weeks max! But they are a part of life and family!

17 September 2011 - 6 months

♥ 6 months ago today I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time. 6 months ago today, I saw her beautiful face for the first time and told her how much I loved her. 6 months ago today I watched my baby take her first and last breaths and knew that it was all worth it! Even if all we got was 10 minutes with her, it was worth it! My lovely Lily, I will love you forever, I will like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. ♥

6 September 2011

So if you didn't guess it... I AM PREGNANT! We are extremely excited by this! To say the least! The baby is due to exit the womb in May... yip, ANOTHER May baby! May is very popular in my family! 

I am only 4 weeks 3 days ish pregnant... Still very early, and yes, again we have decided to tell people early... no waiting for 12 weeks for us! We did the same when I was pregnant with Lily and don't regret it at all! We are celebrating our bubba right from day 1! And part of this is again sharing it with the world! What is the point in waiting for 12 weeks? Yeah sure at 12 weeks the risk of miscarriage decreases, but we know that that doesn't mean everything is going to be perfect anyway! So let's celebrate!

I must admit though, while it is extremely exciting!!!, it is also a little scary, there is this fear, worry that something might go wrong! I didn't have this feeling at the beginning of my last pregnancy... every little, tiny twinge, funny feeling... it scares me... I want to do EVERYTHING right, even though they say there was nothing I could have done to change Lily's outcome, I still want to do whatever I can to have it different this time! Pressure!

But you know what? It's exciting! We are celebrating and enjoying every second of it... even this extreme tiredness and these really freaky dreams that are keeping me awake at night! And these dreams have nothing to do with babies/pregnancy or anything relevant! They are about silly things like being drugged by Michael Jackson and being made to dance to Thriller... the scary part was actually having him hunt me down to hurt me... but yeah, some very random but very vivid dreams that I am not enjoying! 

And I am only 4 weeks 3 days... there is a LOOOONG way to go yet!!

So that's it! I am PREGNANT and very excited about it! But I am now heading to bed... :)

Sarah. :)

5 September 2011

Day Trip to Auckland: $80, Dinner at a nice restaurant: $115, New Shoes she had to have: $50, Knowing there are actually THREE people in this photo: Priceless

28 August 2011

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

- Dr Seuss

19 August 2011

Photo is of a yummy Submarino... they give you hot frothy milk and sticks of chocolate to melt in it! YUM!!!

I just read through my last post and it really must have been a bad day! I am thankful that not many days are like that now. Most days are good, even great. Life is good :) I do recognise what we have been through, how hard it has been. But life is good! 

I had forgotten what it was like trying for a baby, how each month you hope for a different result, and you have trouble not getting your hopes up, but then nothing happens, the result is the same... the test continues to show one line (that means its negative for those of you who don't know!), or your period comes to mark the end of another month without success. Yeah it sounds depressing... but I am not depressed, so don't panic! I had just forgotten what it was like each month! And we haven't even been trying again for long! hahaha I guess since it took a year for us to get pregnant with Lily, I am scared it is going to take a long time to for it to happen again! The positive of it is that I know when it does happen for us again, when I do get pregnant, everything is ok! Once I was pregnant with Lily, the past 11 or so months didn't even matter any more! All was good then, the wait was over, we were having a baby!! And I know that once I am pregnant again and that wait  will cease to matter and all that will matter is my baby! And while it might sound strange, it isn't that we have waited since 2009 to have a baby... we have done that! We have had our baby... and I wouldn't give her up, such a beautiful, cherished and loved gift! The wait has just started again... for baby number 2... our next gift! :)  And I know that when this wait is over and the next wait begins (the waiting of the baby's arrival), this current one will disappear and be forgotten about.

It has now been 5 months since our Little Lily made her appearance! So brief but so lasting! Miss her like crazy every day, but the way I see it... missing her is a good thing! Sound strange? What I mean is I miss her because I love her so much, I miss her because she was such a big part of our lives, I miss her because she was such a fantastic part of our lives! She means so much to us, she was a blessing to us, and she brought us so much, so to miss her is a good thing! Because if I didn't miss her, that would mean she wasn't loved by us, that she wasn't a big part of our lives... Make sense? Well it does to me! :D

Well now that the whole World Wide Web knows that we are trying for baby number 2, here's hoping I will get to make an awesome post sometime in the near future!  It isn't a secret that we are trying, not that everyone WANTS to know! Hahaha but this blog has always been somewhere that I write very honestly, and this is a part of our life at the moment :) 

Anyway, that is my blog for now :) Life is great! We still have the kids with us! Nothing new on that front! They are doing well and we love having them! Huge learning journey for us, but worth it! We love it.

Stay safe everyone! There have been so many accidents and things around the country recently! 

Sarah.

9 August 2011

Today was a tough day... well the afternoon was anyway... I was on my break and for some reason suddenly thought "I wish I had held Lily more"... don't know where the thought came from, it just came... and then it kind of hit me the magnitude of what we have been through this year... I don't really know how to explain it! But I was suddenly looking back and thinking "How on earth did I do that?"... 

I seemed to understand better then what I wish I understood now... I can still say the words, but the feeling isn't behind them now. - Although all we had with us was Lily's body, I wish I had spent more time holding it. I wish I had never put her down! I wish she had always been in someones arms, if not in mine then in the arms of someone else who loved her... I wish I had not laid her in her casket until the end! I really wish I had planned earlier what we would do once she was at home, so that we could have really thought about what we wanted to do, what we wanted her dressed in, whether we would have put her in a bassinet instead of the casket at home... but she came early,  and instead of it being organised, there was shock and chaos, and things weren't thought about... I know I can't change anything, and I don't blame any one... it's just things I was looking back at and could see how I would do them differently... but things were done and it was just amazing, we had and still have, incredible support and amazing people who helped us to organise a beautiful send off and just general amazingness! I just was looking back today and realised how hard it really was... I would never expect someone to make the decisions we did in the time we did, or to do things that we had to do... not saying no one else has had to do it, I know people have! I just mean I... I dunno what I mean really, it is something I don't think you can even begin to understand unless you have been there! Yes you can show sympathy and you can be an amazing support to people who are going through it, but you really can't imagine even a small portion of what it is like. Because Lily came early, we had 1 day to decide whether we wanted medical intervention when she was born even though there was very little hope... I had my baby and then a matter or hours later had to choose between taking her home and having her body with us for a few more hours, or giving her away for a night with a chance that we would have her body with us for longer... it's things like this that should be talked about, decided, I didn't want someone to make the decisions for me, and I found that when someone did try to I often found I wanted something different, which helped me make up my mind! But these things weren't talked about because they weren't thought about till afterwards, I know we did a lot of things differently, I just wished there had been people, stories, a book/pamphlet that gave other points of view, stories of how others had done it, successfully and differently... to be offered a different way of doing things...

I look back and wonder how we did it... how I gave my baby away for that first night... how when I got her back I was able to put her down, how I could sleep while she lay in another room. How I didn't just loose the plot and run away with my baby and not give her up!

I think I understood then a lot more than I do now! I don't know how that works, but when we were going through it, I understood that what I had was only a body, it wasn't all of Lily, but merely a shell, and while I cherished the time I got with her body even after she had passed, I understood that was I was holding wasn't all of my baby, there was MUCH more and the majority of what would make her who she was, wasn't in my arms, so I knew I didn't NEED to hold on to her physical form... but now I wish I had, but I also know that I could have held her for the whole time I had her and it would still not have been enough... no time short of a long life would be enough! 

I haven't had a day like this for awhile, but today I just looked back on the past months and thought "How have I got through this? How does any one get through it?" I know I am ok, I know this hasn't crippled me, yes it has changed me... but because I can still look at photos of Lily and smile and continue to see how much she brought to my life whether she is here now or not. When I can look back at it and still know it was worth it, and that if I had the chance to do it over, I would, that's how I know I am ok!

I am rambling, I haven't re read this so I actually have no idea how much sense it makes... I miss Lily more than anything! But that will always be! I don't want to ever stop missing her! Just today was a harder day than normal.

Sarah.

6 August 2011

 

Just showing off my latest knitting :) My first attempt at a blanket... I like it! :) Not as big as I would like but its not little, I just ran out of room on my needles so couldn't go on! :D

3 August 2011

So today we had our meeting at the hospital in regards to the complaint we put in a couple of months ago... we didn't really know what to expect from the meeting... were they just humouring us and trying to make us feel like they were really listening to what we had to say? We didn't know... but I can say now that we know... hahaha the meeting was good, we didn't feel placated, it actually felt like they were listening and taking our concerns on board and willing to look at making a change.

It was kind of a strange meeting, because both Luke and I had to actually re read the letter we sent to remember what we had to complain about... hahaha it's not that there was suddenly nothing to complain about and we had been petty, it is just I guess that we had moved on and we don't dwell on those things. It hasn't scarred us for life or anything, it was just that the things we complained about don't matter to us now... but it the complaint wasn't about making it better for us, it was about trying to change it so the next people who have to go through this yucky situation will have a better birth experience. Making what is such a hard time, a bit easier.

It was just as well our wonderful midwife was there with us today! She obviously has a better memory than me and was able to bring up things I couldn't think of and do A LOT of the talking for us! THANK YOU!!!!

The meeting was good though, the two hospital people we talked to had OBVIOUSLY actually looked into the complaint and had talked to the people involved and done their "research" for lack of a better word. And it was good to hear that since our situation there with Lily, there are things that have already been put in place to improve it and make it easier/better for the next people. Our midwife who has had to go through a similar situation recently said it had already improved somewhat, which is almost a relief!  Not much else to say about that... the meeting was good and felt worthwhile... so yay. :)

This afternoon Luke and I went out to one of the places that make headstones and talked to them and got an idea of what we kind of want and how much it will cost... we want something that is a bit different to the other ones... unique and something that kind of symbolises Lily for us... there is no hurry for it, we are looking now so we don't have to rush something or anything like that... It was good to get an idea of shape, design and cost. We haven't worked out what to write on it yet!  What on EARTH do you write?

Yip, so that is that :D

Sarah.

2 August 2011

Please don't say you never got to know me
It is I whose kicks you will always remember, my reminder to you that I was there and I was ok.
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn't tell time and got your days and nights mixed up,

I who liked to play music on your ribs.
It is I who acknowledged your craving for ice cream by knocking the cold bowl off your belly,
I who went shopping with you and helped you pick out the perfect things for me,
I who would push out at your hand when you rubbed your belly.
I who loved my daddys touch so much I fell asleep at it!

It is I who never had a doubt about your love for me,

It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.

1 August 2011

The photos are of Lily just before we put her in her casket for the last time. I was looking through some photos over the weekend to get printed and I had almost forgotten about these. There are other ones I look at all the time, but when I looked at these I smiled because I know my little girl was wrapped, dressed, surrounded by LOVE when we laid her to rest... I mean I always knew she was, but so much love went into something that was also kind of painful... get what I mean? Burying your baby, your grandchild, niece, or loved one is not easy to say the least, but there were many physical symbols of love that went with her. I love that. There was many, many more symbols of love that went with her that these photos don't show... books, letters, messages, jewellery, toys... you wouldn't believe how full her casket was! But I love these photos because they show what she was dressed in, a beautiful cardi and booties and then wrapped in with what almost looks like a cloud, but is a beautiful knitted and lined blanket... all of it knitted just for her :)

Anyway, have you seen the ad on tv that starts with "life starts with tears, but that's ok"? I liked the ad the first few times I saw it, but then I saw it last night and my first thought was "that's not right"... and it's not... if life starts with tears then you are saying a baby's life doesn't start until they exit the womb and cry? I was trying to think when I would consider a life to start... heartbeat? Nope because there are still babies who never get to that stage and I fully believe they are more than just a few cells that are reproducing and hoping to become something bigger... As soon as we found out we were pregnant our baby had a life... yet no heartbeat... I know the ad doesn't mean to disregard lives... but it does! There are MANY, MANY lives that never get to cry... does that make them less of a life? So maybe life starts when that wriggly sperm reaches the egg and they begin the process of developing into a baby... no matter what stage that baby gets to...

Well that is my thoughts/feelings on the subject anyway!

Sarah.