28 August 2011

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

- Dr Seuss

19 August 2011

Photo is of a yummy Submarino... they give you hot frothy milk and sticks of chocolate to melt in it! YUM!!!

I just read through my last post and it really must have been a bad day! I am thankful that not many days are like that now. Most days are good, even great. Life is good :) I do recognise what we have been through, how hard it has been. But life is good! 

I had forgotten what it was like trying for a baby, how each month you hope for a different result, and you have trouble not getting your hopes up, but then nothing happens, the result is the same... the test continues to show one line (that means its negative for those of you who don't know!), or your period comes to mark the end of another month without success. Yeah it sounds depressing... but I am not depressed, so don't panic! I had just forgotten what it was like each month! And we haven't even been trying again for long! hahaha I guess since it took a year for us to get pregnant with Lily, I am scared it is going to take a long time to for it to happen again! The positive of it is that I know when it does happen for us again, when I do get pregnant, everything is ok! Once I was pregnant with Lily, the past 11 or so months didn't even matter any more! All was good then, the wait was over, we were having a baby!! And I know that once I am pregnant again and that wait  will cease to matter and all that will matter is my baby! And while it might sound strange, it isn't that we have waited since 2009 to have a baby... we have done that! We have had our baby... and I wouldn't give her up, such a beautiful, cherished and loved gift! The wait has just started again... for baby number 2... our next gift! :)  And I know that when this wait is over and the next wait begins (the waiting of the baby's arrival), this current one will disappear and be forgotten about.

It has now been 5 months since our Little Lily made her appearance! So brief but so lasting! Miss her like crazy every day, but the way I see it... missing her is a good thing! Sound strange? What I mean is I miss her because I love her so much, I miss her because she was such a big part of our lives, I miss her because she was such a fantastic part of our lives! She means so much to us, she was a blessing to us, and she brought us so much, so to miss her is a good thing! Because if I didn't miss her, that would mean she wasn't loved by us, that she wasn't a big part of our lives... Make sense? Well it does to me! :D

Well now that the whole World Wide Web knows that we are trying for baby number 2, here's hoping I will get to make an awesome post sometime in the near future!  It isn't a secret that we are trying, not that everyone WANTS to know! Hahaha but this blog has always been somewhere that I write very honestly, and this is a part of our life at the moment :) 

Anyway, that is my blog for now :) Life is great! We still have the kids with us! Nothing new on that front! They are doing well and we love having them! Huge learning journey for us, but worth it! We love it.

Stay safe everyone! There have been so many accidents and things around the country recently! 

Sarah.

9 August 2011

Today was a tough day... well the afternoon was anyway... I was on my break and for some reason suddenly thought "I wish I had held Lily more"... don't know where the thought came from, it just came... and then it kind of hit me the magnitude of what we have been through this year... I don't really know how to explain it! But I was suddenly looking back and thinking "How on earth did I do that?"... 

I seemed to understand better then what I wish I understood now... I can still say the words, but the feeling isn't behind them now. - Although all we had with us was Lily's body, I wish I had spent more time holding it. I wish I had never put her down! I wish she had always been in someones arms, if not in mine then in the arms of someone else who loved her... I wish I had not laid her in her casket until the end! I really wish I had planned earlier what we would do once she was at home, so that we could have really thought about what we wanted to do, what we wanted her dressed in, whether we would have put her in a bassinet instead of the casket at home... but she came early,  and instead of it being organised, there was shock and chaos, and things weren't thought about... I know I can't change anything, and I don't blame any one... it's just things I was looking back at and could see how I would do them differently... but things were done and it was just amazing, we had and still have, incredible support and amazing people who helped us to organise a beautiful send off and just general amazingness! I just was looking back today and realised how hard it really was... I would never expect someone to make the decisions we did in the time we did, or to do things that we had to do... not saying no one else has had to do it, I know people have! I just mean I... I dunno what I mean really, it is something I don't think you can even begin to understand unless you have been there! Yes you can show sympathy and you can be an amazing support to people who are going through it, but you really can't imagine even a small portion of what it is like. Because Lily came early, we had 1 day to decide whether we wanted medical intervention when she was born even though there was very little hope... I had my baby and then a matter or hours later had to choose between taking her home and having her body with us for a few more hours, or giving her away for a night with a chance that we would have her body with us for longer... it's things like this that should be talked about, decided, I didn't want someone to make the decisions for me, and I found that when someone did try to I often found I wanted something different, which helped me make up my mind! But these things weren't talked about because they weren't thought about till afterwards, I know we did a lot of things differently, I just wished there had been people, stories, a book/pamphlet that gave other points of view, stories of how others had done it, successfully and differently... to be offered a different way of doing things...

I look back and wonder how we did it... how I gave my baby away for that first night... how when I got her back I was able to put her down, how I could sleep while she lay in another room. How I didn't just loose the plot and run away with my baby and not give her up!

I think I understood then a lot more than I do now! I don't know how that works, but when we were going through it, I understood that what I had was only a body, it wasn't all of Lily, but merely a shell, and while I cherished the time I got with her body even after she had passed, I understood that was I was holding wasn't all of my baby, there was MUCH more and the majority of what would make her who she was, wasn't in my arms, so I knew I didn't NEED to hold on to her physical form... but now I wish I had, but I also know that I could have held her for the whole time I had her and it would still not have been enough... no time short of a long life would be enough! 

I haven't had a day like this for awhile, but today I just looked back on the past months and thought "How have I got through this? How does any one get through it?" I know I am ok, I know this hasn't crippled me, yes it has changed me... but because I can still look at photos of Lily and smile and continue to see how much she brought to my life whether she is here now or not. When I can look back at it and still know it was worth it, and that if I had the chance to do it over, I would, that's how I know I am ok!

I am rambling, I haven't re read this so I actually have no idea how much sense it makes... I miss Lily more than anything! But that will always be! I don't want to ever stop missing her! Just today was a harder day than normal.

Sarah.

6 August 2011

 

Just showing off my latest knitting :) My first attempt at a blanket... I like it! :) Not as big as I would like but its not little, I just ran out of room on my needles so couldn't go on! :D

3 August 2011

So today we had our meeting at the hospital in regards to the complaint we put in a couple of months ago... we didn't really know what to expect from the meeting... were they just humouring us and trying to make us feel like they were really listening to what we had to say? We didn't know... but I can say now that we know... hahaha the meeting was good, we didn't feel placated, it actually felt like they were listening and taking our concerns on board and willing to look at making a change.

It was kind of a strange meeting, because both Luke and I had to actually re read the letter we sent to remember what we had to complain about... hahaha it's not that there was suddenly nothing to complain about and we had been petty, it is just I guess that we had moved on and we don't dwell on those things. It hasn't scarred us for life or anything, it was just that the things we complained about don't matter to us now... but it the complaint wasn't about making it better for us, it was about trying to change it so the next people who have to go through this yucky situation will have a better birth experience. Making what is such a hard time, a bit easier.

It was just as well our wonderful midwife was there with us today! She obviously has a better memory than me and was able to bring up things I couldn't think of and do A LOT of the talking for us! THANK YOU!!!!

The meeting was good though, the two hospital people we talked to had OBVIOUSLY actually looked into the complaint and had talked to the people involved and done their "research" for lack of a better word. And it was good to hear that since our situation there with Lily, there are things that have already been put in place to improve it and make it easier/better for the next people. Our midwife who has had to go through a similar situation recently said it had already improved somewhat, which is almost a relief!  Not much else to say about that... the meeting was good and felt worthwhile... so yay. :)

This afternoon Luke and I went out to one of the places that make headstones and talked to them and got an idea of what we kind of want and how much it will cost... we want something that is a bit different to the other ones... unique and something that kind of symbolises Lily for us... there is no hurry for it, we are looking now so we don't have to rush something or anything like that... It was good to get an idea of shape, design and cost. We haven't worked out what to write on it yet!  What on EARTH do you write?

Yip, so that is that :D

Sarah.

2 August 2011

Please don't say you never got to know me
It is I whose kicks you will always remember, my reminder to you that I was there and I was ok.
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn't tell time and got your days and nights mixed up,

I who liked to play music on your ribs.
It is I who acknowledged your craving for ice cream by knocking the cold bowl off your belly,
I who went shopping with you and helped you pick out the perfect things for me,
I who would push out at your hand when you rubbed your belly.
I who loved my daddys touch so much I fell asleep at it!

It is I who never had a doubt about your love for me,

It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.

1 August 2011

The photos are of Lily just before we put her in her casket for the last time. I was looking through some photos over the weekend to get printed and I had almost forgotten about these. There are other ones I look at all the time, but when I looked at these I smiled because I know my little girl was wrapped, dressed, surrounded by LOVE when we laid her to rest... I mean I always knew she was, but so much love went into something that was also kind of painful... get what I mean? Burying your baby, your grandchild, niece, or loved one is not easy to say the least, but there were many physical symbols of love that went with her. I love that. There was many, many more symbols of love that went with her that these photos don't show... books, letters, messages, jewellery, toys... you wouldn't believe how full her casket was! But I love these photos because they show what she was dressed in, a beautiful cardi and booties and then wrapped in with what almost looks like a cloud, but is a beautiful knitted and lined blanket... all of it knitted just for her :)

Anyway, have you seen the ad on tv that starts with "life starts with tears, but that's ok"? I liked the ad the first few times I saw it, but then I saw it last night and my first thought was "that's not right"... and it's not... if life starts with tears then you are saying a baby's life doesn't start until they exit the womb and cry? I was trying to think when I would consider a life to start... heartbeat? Nope because there are still babies who never get to that stage and I fully believe they are more than just a few cells that are reproducing and hoping to become something bigger... As soon as we found out we were pregnant our baby had a life... yet no heartbeat... I know the ad doesn't mean to disregard lives... but it does! There are MANY, MANY lives that never get to cry... does that make them less of a life? So maybe life starts when that wriggly sperm reaches the egg and they begin the process of developing into a baby... no matter what stage that baby gets to...

Well that is my thoughts/feelings on the subject anyway!

Sarah.